Hi everyone. I hope you are having a good holiday. So far mine has been great. Mom still here. No matter what I say she keeps cleaning the kitchen. I can't convince her I have it handled. But hey, if she's happy I'm certainly not going to beg to do it.

The reason I entitled this blog no is because two people (or maybe the same person twice - I'm not sure) asked me if they have cancelled Divorce Court. No is the answer. Sometime during the holidays some stations preempt it for other stuff. They did here in Phoenix. Sometimes they move my show. Drives me crazy but that happens too. Look up your local listings or go to divorcecourt.com and click on where to watch if you are trying to find me. Please keep searching because as the rating go so do I and sista' needs to keep a job!!!!!!!!

Take care and thanks for all of your holiday good wishes. I appreciate each and evey one of them.

My Bad

Hello everybody,

I messed up and don't know how to fix it. I think I've done this a lot but today i did it big time. I get comment approval requests and after I approve one or two somehow I push the wrong button and can't find the rest of them that I haven't seen yet. I lost 5 today. I hate that.

SO1. if I did it to you either today or before please don't be offended. 2. If you sent me one in the last 48 hours and don't see it up please send it again. I love reading them 3. if you know what the hell I'm doing wrong tell me.

Mom's here. Christmas is near. I'm not cooking. Shopping is all done. I'm in a good place.

Happy Holidays to each and every one of you!!!!!!!!!

Musings from Minnesota

Hello guys:

I just got back from an appearance on the Mike and Juliet in the Morning Show with Geraldo Rivera. I flew all of the way to New York from Phoenix to do the 10 minute segment (which I didn't mind so much) but then on the way home I got caught in a snow storm. You know the drill: flight cancelled, can't get another one, long lines, everybody frustrated, planes late, air port snowed in, re- routed, missed connections. Bottom line it took me 36 hours to do something that would normally happen in 7.

Here's the cool part. I am an impatient control freak who hates to fly. You all should know that by now. Can you imagine a more frustrating circumstance than that for a woman like me. Waiting and not knowing when I am goning to get on this aluminum tube with jet fuel on the sides to hurtle me through the air at 500 miles an hour at 38,000 feet. The weather sucks. I worry if they have de-iced the plane sufficiently. (I've watched every air disaster show on TV) Delay after delay. They repeat "we're putting you on stand by" like its a mantra. I am stressed because the longer I have to think about what I am going to do the more convinced I am that it will be a fatal event.

And then I have my new rule (a lasting remnant of one of my PIPs) No alcohol in the airport. Nasty habit that, especially when there are flight delays. I want control and to the extent I must drink to stay calm I've lost the battle. So I have not cocktail the first while in the airport. White knuckling the whole affair.

(Now booze on the plane is another matter altogether. But I have stepped down from tranquilzers to Johnny Walker and now I am down to just one of those unless there is turbulence. Small steps - right direction.) Anyway. . .

Like I said here's the cool part. I didn't lose lose my cool. I was so zen it was scary. I got to read an entire book without stopping (a rare a beautiful thing in my world). It was good too. I talked to people.

'It's just weather' I told myself. They cancel planes to keep me safe. My husband was missing me. Sent me a text and said I 'looked hot'. That has value. Kids even missed me. Oldest sent me a text - voluntary communication from teenager to mother that did not involve a request for money or a ride. Priceless.

Lesson? Time waiting need not be time wasted. If you concentrate on the stuff you can do the stuff you can't is less of an irritant.

Could it be I am growing up? What are the odds? (By the way - I called this blog Musings in Minnesota because on my circuitous route home I ended up stuck in the Minneapolis airport.)

The One

I received a message the other day from a woman who was about to get married. She says she's scared and asked me how I knew my husband was "The One."

Well, it depends on what you mean by "The One." I do not believe there is one person on the planet who is your soulmate. I mean think about it. There are billions of people on this earth. If there is only one guy you can make it with no one would ever marry. Out of these billions, given the population distribution on the planet, odds are my guy is living in China. I think the"The One" soulmate thing is a fairytale and I don't believe it.

Now some people do manage to find someone they really love and have a wonderful relationship for decades. But seamless is unsusal - delightful no doubt - but there is usually work involved.

My husband is "The One" for me though because he is "The One" I picked. I think we could have both made it this far with a number of people. But we picked each other. He had the qualities I wanted and I had what he wanted. We fell in love and then we worked at it. My aunt and uncle have been married for 60 years and they say the same thing - it's not all fun but if you are committed and work at it "The One" you pick can be "The One" you make it to the finish line with.

The thing is you can't make your pick based on that rush of love alone. Once you feel good about a person you have to figure out what you both want in life. You have to talk about money and children and lifestyle and needs. You have to know what wrong with you and what's wrong with him. There is something wrong with everybody, you know, and if you think he or she is perfect you just don't know them well enough. You should be able to list the things you don't like about the other one and make a decision whether you can live with it long term. If a woman is a spendthrift when you are dating she'll still be one once you marry her. The only difference is she'll be spending your money. Likewise if a guy is a slob and you don't like that, it won't get any better. The only thing that will change is that now his mess will be in your house.

My position is not a very romantic one but it has worked for me so far. There are no guarantees but we are now at the point where we really want to stay together if for no other reason than we are too old to get back out there and look for someone else! We try HARD.

Sister Scrooge

I hate shopping cooking and cleaning up. I am always cranky during the holidays. My husband and I used to fight about sending out Christmas cards I don't want to. He thinks I ought to but he never offers to do it himself.

He doesn't cook either. Doesn't know his grandkid's ages and sizes. He doesn't know what our kids are into. He asked me the other day what's on the Christmas dinner menu and intimated that he'd like one home cooked this time since there will only be five of us here. Christmas decorations - I have to get that going. Responding to party invites - guess who?

I know I really have no right to bitch - my life is good. But I gotta tell you I was five minutes away from kicking out a window here. Had to tell somebody.

News You Can Use

It's holiday season. Time for gift giving. Given the current economic circumstances some of you might be running a little low on cash and are wondering how you are still going to make this a good holiday.

So I thought I would share a story and then make a few suggestions:

The Story One year after we got married Eric and I got stretched a little thin cash wise so we promised not to buy each other anything for Christmas. So what I did was make coupons.

I took index cards and thought about all of the stuff he liked to do. And made him a coupon for it: Examples:

The bearer of this coupon is entitled to one lingerie show. What we do afterwards is up to you!

The bearer of this coupon gets to smoke his cigar in the house during the football game of his choise.

You get the idea. There were others. I'll call them "love coupons." I won't share their content but let's just say they were his favorite.

The ideas:

For the guys: You could prepare coupons for things like:

1. Going to a chick flick with her.

2.Making dinner for a week

3.Watching Lifetime Network with her and then be willing to talk about it with her afterwards (fellas, you can put a time limit on this last part if you need to)

4. Taking her dancing.

For the ladies:

1. Love coupons: (just remember you might want to have black out dates on that).

2. A night of quiet. No yapping, talking, requests or nagging of any kind. (My husband would love this one but I'm not quite that generous.)

3. He can have his freinds over for the game. You'll make the food and you'll let them get as loud as they want.

4.Go to a smash and crash movie with him .

Of course, these are all based on gender stereotypes (which happen to hold true in my house). The point here however is to give them something of you that normally you two go back and forth over. You know your spouse. What would they really like you to do for them that you probably don't but could? What would bring him/her joy? What will bring you closer?

Note: None of the coupons have any value if you do not do redeem them with a happy heart. If you are going to be cranky and resentful when you do it don't bother.

Likewise the 'Love Coupons' can be tricky. Both parties must be in the right frame of mind for redemption. At no time does anyone (male or female) have the right to demand intimacy. But if you make them funny and light hearted and you and you spouse are in a good place it could be fun. It was for me and my hubby. Anyway be creative. They can be part of that effort I am always talking about that a good marriage requires.

I'm telling you, people, it's the little things!

BYTHE WAY - IF ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY GOOD IDEAS FOR COUPONS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH ME (AND PLEASE - PEOPLE KEEP IT CLEAN!!!) SHARE.

Happy Holidays.

Okay, I give.

Hello everyone,

It appears that no matter what I say I'm going to continue to get requests for personal guidance in individual situations. I am now clear on that issue and will beat my drum one last time and let it go.

I can't tell anybody what to do because I don't have enough information. Just because you tell me a lot of detail doesn't mean I have a clear picture. No one sees themselves or their own circumstances objectively - even me - ask my mother she'll tell you. Give her five minutes and an opening and she will regale you with the wonders of my owns personal idiocy. So I know I can't have a clear picture of what's going when I get requests here on My Space because the person from whom I am getting information is personally involved. To assess I must observe and I can't do that on-line.

That having been said, I am now going to answer all of the personal questions I have gotten to date. Certainy they are not the same question but the same themes resonate through out:

1. Most people who ask me what they should do already know the answer. What they should do is something they don't want to do and they are looking for a way out. I don't have one. Sometimes life is uncomfortable and hard. If the right thing were easy everybody would already be doing it.

2. The rules are usually simple. It's typically 'the doing' that causes all of the trouble. I don't believe in lying, cheating or stealing nor do I believe in casual sex. I think if you can't drink responisbly you should not drink at all. I think children are a lot of work and you shouldn't have them until you are ready. I believe that love is the whole purpose of everything but I do not believe that love conquers all. Likewise I do not believe that "But I love him/her" is a good answer to any question.

3. That having been said, I know we are all human (including me) and despite how much we may try we all will break some or all of the above rules for one reason or another, a reason which probably made a great deal of sense at the time based on how we felt. I therefore believe in the Up Rule:

4. If you mess UP, you fess Up ,back Up then clean Up.

5. Any mistake that doesn't put you six feet under can be worked with. You may not be able to fix it but you can deal with it well or not so well. But in order to do anything well you have to A) be willing to see the error in your own actions B) be willing to feel a little pain during the process of rectifying those mistakes .

No magic bullet but it's all I've got. Life is a job.

For what it's worth, though, I struggle too . . . You wouldn't believe some of the dumb stuff I've done. I think progress occurs not because you don't make mistakes but because you learn from the ones you've made. I rarely make the same mistake twice. I make a point to always make new ones!

Assistance

Okay, somebody needs to explain to me IN PLAIN ENGLISH waht this "i gave you a gift" and all other apps on this thing means. I click on the boxes and nothing happens. I suppose I could figure it out on my own but I'd rather get help.

I Love Easy Questions

Hello everyone,

How are you? Usually I get very complicated questions about life and husbands and relationships and politics. Typically I have some broad non specific answer because the only thing worse than getting no advice is getting bad advice.

Today I got an easy one and I am duly embarrassed because I don't have any kind of answer generic or otherwise. Guys you can move on now because I know you'll have no interest in this.

Someone asked me what kind of lipstick I used. They liked it because it was natural. Well, the only thing I know is that its from MAC and its a blend of several colors. My Glam Squad has my looked worked out and I know precious little about it. My sole contribution to the process is sitting still in my chair for 2 hours (and I had to learn to do that - impatience is a problem with me) and a request that I look natural but BETTER.

Sorry I can't do any better than that. You know most people don't recognize me when I am out and about until I speak and they recognize my voice. I am a late bloomer on the day to day beauty thing. I still don't feel its worth the effort. Once a tomboy always a tomboy I guess. That along with a 20 year marraige makes make up seem a little silly. But MAYBE I need to revisit that. Don't want some cute young thing making a move on my man.

Youn never know!!!!!

Sixteen year old opinion

I received a responce to my last blog that disagreed with my basic premise which was that I should try to talk a young lady out of being with a guy that was not good for her.

She first said she hoped that her difference of opinion didn't offend me. IT DIDN'T. I like it when people challenge ideas. It makes me think and learn. It is interesting and has purpose. I respect others opinions even if they differ from my own and I congradulate her on her expression of ideas.

That having been said I must say that I stand firm in my beliefs on this one. Since she left her thoughts in my message box and not on my blog I'll rephrase it quickly here. Basically her thesis was I didn't have the right to tell someone what to do and that a young lady needs to have experience and learn and I should not interfere with that process.

My thought is not only do I have a right to try to direct the young I have an OBLGATION to do so. There is a reason we have age limits on the ability to do things. You learn as you get older. And while I understand her point that a young lady will learn from being in a relationship even if its not good for her I ask At what cost does this lesson come and who has to pay for it? It isn't just her (though she will pay a heavy heavy cost) but the children she makes and the society they are in pays the cost as well.

We can't just keep making the same mistakes over and over again and expect anything to improve. Yes a ten year old will learn that fire burns if he puts his hands on a stove, but isn't it better to learn that lesson from being told than being burned? That scar will last a lifetime.

I remember a guy called me once for a date when I was sixteen. When mom gave me the phone she said "Don't even bother, this guys not about anything" She and I were extraordinarily close and I trusted her implicitly (I was a weird and unusual child) He actually got an attitude on the phone when I told him I couldn't go out. What does that tell you? A word to the wise saves a lot of hurt.

And this is not just a woman thing. Guys there are no count women out there too who can be very tempting but aren't worth the heart ache. If everybody is waving you off, take a look at what you are doing. There is probably a reason.

I'm planting my feet on this one. Triflin is as triflin does and at my age you can see it a mile away.

No joke. No smoke.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys: What Cha’ Gonna Do?

I am looking for a little help. On more than one occasion a freind has asked me to help talk to their young daughter about the guy she is with. The story is almost always the same. Everyone in her air space knows he's not the kind of guy she needs to be with. He's got several other baby's moma's. No job, a record and she thinks she is the one woman who will make it right.

I've tried telling them "What do you think he told his other baby's momas? 'Oh I'm just going to knock you up and walk away.' No, he told them the same thing he is now telling you. Otherwise they wouldn't have slept with them.

I try asking them what they want their future to look like and ask them how he's going to fit into that picture.

I have always considered myself articulate and persuasive but I have never - not once - talked a girl out of the wrong guy. Do you have any tips, ideas ... anything? I'll take a Hail Mary pass at this point.

Talk to me.

Another Thanksgiving

Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. I did. Lots or relatives came. I warmed up the pre-packed food just like it said on the instructions and it was actually pretty good.

Family couldn't mind too much because they keep coming back every year. They stay for a while too. Five days or so. But I like everybody so its cool. That having been said I would be lying if I didn't say I sure do enjoy getting my house back when its done. Ain't nothin a loner likes more than being alone after they have been 'emersed in the populace' for a while.

Currently I am home by myself. Hubby took oldest son and his brother (now visiting from Cleveland) to a jazz brunch. I am home watching an old black and white movie with a bag of Double Stuff Oreo Cookies in my lap. Little guy is at a buddy's house. Needless to say I am in hog heaven. (and if I don't cut it out with these cookies I'm going to look like a hog as well!!)

But I believe in the occasional indulgence in an effort to balance out a usually well regualted life. Scheduled controlled bursts of ridiculous are not only gratifying but they work like an esacpe valve. I have another 2 hours or so to revel in my own begnign bad habits and I'll be all ready to return to order when they get back.. . . .

Maybe.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Hello,

You know I read a lot and I read about everything, especially relationships marriage etc. I also like to read studies and articles from 'noted specialists or experts' that are 20 or 30 years old and who are predicting new trends. I like to see how well they did. (usually they don't do so well) - my non-PhD having mother's track is waaaaaaaaaay better. Anyway I had to eat some crow on a study I thought was dumb yesterday.

When the women's movement was in it's hey day some guy wrote that as far as equality with respect to housework and taking care of the kids would run into this one unanticipated roadblock - women will not like losing control knowledge and methods on the home front. In other words we won't like it when the hubby takes over too much with that stuff because we feel we need to do that. I thought that was silly and swore that if I ever got my husband to a place where he would be primarily responsible for the kids I would love it.

Well, since we've moved my husband has been home and I am the one out working and don't you know this week I realized he was running the kiddy show. he knew where everyone was supposed to be what they needed and everything. I had to be reminded of what was going on on this day and what the kids needed. And I had MOMENT.

I felt a little guilty. I felt a little envious. I realized that I took pride in being the one who knew what to do and had it all together. Now its him. I felt a little like I got demoted.

Of course, I didn't say that. I may have been surprised but I'm no fool. I always let my first emotional reaction pass me by. I am going to work to get over feeling that way. Bucking long held social roles is not easy but I'm going to make this work. I can't piss and moan now that my husband is the one they rely on after complaining about the mommy 24/7 thing like I used to do. Not only that I gave the man his props. I told him how good ot felt to have him on top of things.

Word to the wise. Ladies, don't stand in the way of your own progress. Don't be controlling. They may not do it your way but they can get it done and sometimes they are better than you at it. You can't have it both ways.

Live and learn.

Step Parenthood

Since my show the other day when I spoke about my step children I have gotten questions about how to be a successful step parent. Here's my 5 cents worth on that (You will note I usually say my 10 cents worth but here I only have 5)

Yes, I did the step parent thing and no I don't think I did it well. I wasn't horrible but I just wasn't completely engaged. When I was 29 I married my husband. He had 4 boys ages 9, 11, 14 and 16. Here's what I figured out during my process and from talking to a lot of families with that situation since then:

1. The key to discipline is the natural parent. If you are the step parent you need to sit your spouse down and talk about it. Tell them that you need them to do the discipline because from you it won't work - at least not in the beginning. Tell them you understand they feel badly for their kids because they have gone through a divorce and remarriage. while they have to be senitive and caring and listen to them but there must be clear lines.

2. Natural parent has to talk to the kids about you. They need to hear the kids out and validate how they feel but they have to make sure they tell them what they won't tolerate. That's what my husband did so well. He got us all together at a table and said. "She not you're mother but she is my wife. If you have any questions or issues we can talk about it." And then we went around the table and asked them how they felt what they had questions about etc. We got the ground rules down up front. (personally I sat there like an idiot - dear caught in the headlights - I had no idea what I was getting into.)

3. Here's something I wish I would have done but didn't: I wish I would have talked to them all early on, one on one, about how they feel and find some common ground. I should have planned something together for each of us to do that they enjoyed and thrown in a conversation: "I know its tough to have a new mom but, hey, I want this thing to work. Talk to me when you need to . . . "

4. Natural parent needs to back up step parent without hesitation about discipline in front of the kids. Now if natural parent thinks step has gone too far or done something inapproprate talk to them about it later. And before you do ask youself did I leave the discipline to the step when I shouldn't have done it?

5. Step parents: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. It's not about you its about teenagers and hormones and a jacked up situation and new person they don't know telling them what to do.

This is all I have on this one. I have to tell you I lucked out. My step sons where not angels but they didn't mess with their pops and he had my back. They were good kids, raised well and old enough to have a better emotional handle on things. I was a non-cooking, clueless wonder who meant well but had NO tools.

So the lesson there is you can screw up a bit and still fix things. Nothing is hopeless if you work the edges and switch up your approach if the one you are using isn't working. And talk to everybody. And keep talking. Walk away from the arguments. People can't hear you when they are angry. Step up and be the one to stand down. Come back to it when you are calm.

I wish all of you blended families well. It ain't easy and I do feel your pain. But if you work at it even if you don't do all of the right things the back end is beautiful. I am wild about them now. I have 6 (soon to be 7) grandbabies and I'm still young enough to run around with them. I have a whole set of young men to talk to my boys about things that they don't want to hear from me or their father. And here's what made my heart swell most recently. When my husband was sick and VERY CRANKY and not so nice to me, they stood up for me with him. How cool is that?

Good luck.

How I feel About My Money

Hello everyone,

Given the current economic concerns I have gotten a lot of questions about money and marriage. Finances are often sited as one of the biggest causes of marriage difficulty. Whether it truly is or not I am not sure (I think it is often a symptom of other problems and I also think people are just more willing to site that as a cause as opposed to other more embarrassing realities) Be that as it may money is a huge problem for a lot of couples. And not just when there isn't enough of it. Sometimes the problems arise because of who is making it or simply on how you spend it.

I have a lot of advice on money and marraige but I don't think any of it will help until people do this one certain thing: Understand what money means to them.

Everyone has an emotional relationship to moeny. For some peole money is about security. That's my financial type. Adequate money means saftey to me, that's why I'd rather see the money in the bank than on my back or in what I drive. I have in the past been known to carry this to an extreme hence my reputation for being cheap. I'm better these days but, hey, it is what it is.

To others however money is a means by which to keep score. My pops was that way. He was a black man born in 1919. he was born in an impoverished family in the hills of West Virginia and grew to be only 5'2" tall. He made money to 1. support his family - he was big on us having what he never got, he saw his value in his ability to support - but it was also to keep score. It was a way to rate on a scale that the world measures. Daddy was like:"You can tell me I'm nothing but you can't stop me from being something. I can do what you can't do despite what you think"

For other people money is about power and control either within a relationship or out in the world. If you want to be in charge having moeny is a good way to get there.

For others its about feeding a need to feel better about yourself by conspicuous consumption. You know what I mean, You have to spend everything I what you wear or drive because that is how you feel better about yourself. People who do that often have debt issues.

There are other different financial emotional styles but you get the picture.

Anyway, the reason I am going through all of this is that people need to understand how THEY feel about money, why they want it and what they want it for before they sit down and talk to their spouse about it. Their spouse may feel differently and you have to both know what the other one feels about it before you can respolve any financial issues. What is comforting for one may be frightening as all get out for the other.

My husband and I have been going back and forth on this for years. We have very different financial styles and it often causes conflict. In order to keep from killing one another every once in a while we have to address how the other person feels about money in order to decide what we are going to do with the money we have. Then we compromise based on that.

People never talk about how they feel about money and what they want it for. I don't think most people understand how they feel about it no less their spouse.

So I gotta ask. Do you know how you feel about money? If not, you should take some time to figure it out. If money gets tight you are going to have to make some decisions and what you and your better half comrpomise on or feel okay with will depened upon how well you two understand how you feel about money.

I'll be back later with another blog about The Money Conversation and The Money Compromise. Its stuff I've learned over the years from divorce court and my own marriage. Just suggestion ,ideas and a bit of economic consciousness raising. I am big on thinking your way through how you feel.

You know, no one who knows me well ever though I would be married as long as I have!!!! I took a test once with a marriage counselor. If you scored a ten you were highly compatible - not with this particular spouse - but with the institution of marriage itself. 10's knew how to compromise and do all those things that make marriages work. I got a 1.7. The message? I should be living alone in a cave with a dog.

Now look at me. Who'd have perdicted this?

Of Driver’s Licenses and Colleges

You know, I believed my mother when she told me about it - how you truly don't understand the way it feels to bring children into this world so in the end you can let them go. This week I went to find a driving school for my oldest. He also began getting letters from colleges. I looked at him and wanted to cry. I remember what I was wearing the day I brought him home from the hospital. I remember how exhausted I was the following 5 months because old boy only slept 1 1/2 at a time. I thought to myself Lord, If I can just get through this!"

Of course, that was silly. I am still saying the same thing. This driving business has really thrown me for a loop. Control freaks like myself don't do well with this kind of thing. But like mom said kids are a lot of work. It never goes away or gets better it just changes. I looked at my oldest yesterday and damn near broke into tears. Where did my baby go? . . .

Then the youngest came home all dirty, loud and hungry wanting this that and the other thing and I thought to myself - I can't wait to get these people out of here.

Usually my blogs have a point I can identify but I am not sure what my point is here. Just sharing I guess.

Before the Vows

So if you have been wacthing the show this week you know it is the Before the Vows week. I'd like to know what you think. I like doing the show but don't know how everyone else feels. Do you find it interesting or would you rather me stick with the tried and true?

Stuff

Hello everybody,

1. It's been a busy week. Have been traveling but since I said I would, I was working on what I promised in a previous blog: A tribute to Black Men (as you will recall I already delivered on my Testosterone What it Is and Why I like It) As I was working on it I realized I had already done one. You might not guess it at first but it's all there and it's the most fitting tribute I can think of. It is on my web site www.judgelynn.com It's an article called Time and Place. It talks about what my father and his friends did back in the forties. Read that. I think what they did in the envirnoment they did it is is so powerful. It authored my success, my everyday ease. Brothers taking care of business in a big way. They are everywhere but you never hear about it. It doesn't make the news. As a young girl my life was so filled with them that that was all I knew. I am thankful for that.

2. While you are on the site you should also check out the 'about me' section. I have added video tape of my family. So if you want to see me in all my domestic disfunction its there!

3. FYI I'll be on Trivial Pursuit. Its a daytime syndicated game show twice next week. It is hosted by Christopher Knight (Peter form the Brady bunch) It's TV Judge week I'm on Tuesday November 18th and Friday November 21st. Since its syndicated you'll have to check you local listings.

4. Working on a lot of stuff. 13 year old is acting up. Dealing with the teachers and his punishment (I swear grounding a kid is harder on the parents than it is the kid - they mope and ask and get on my nerves something awful - but I am sticking to my guns) Trying to finish a book. Husband is cranky trying to fix that. Working on some new TV stuff - heading into uncharted waters. (cross your fingers for me on that) .16 year old looking to get driver's liscence. You should see me trying to teach him. I am nervous by nature. And so is he. Getting ready for Thanksgiving. Having 6 folks from out of town coming to stay that means 10 for dinner. They are family and they know me so I am sure they don't expect much.

If you don't hear from me until then have a wonderful Thanksgiving. And take a few moments to really use it for what it is intended. I plan to. I am going to sit down and soak in all the wonderful things I have - healthy family, great neighbors, all the people that love me. You do the same. even if your life is not going the way you'd like find something. It will make you feel better. It is so easy to forget what's going well if you are fighting to keep your head above water. I know that. But give yourself a break and a pat on the back for what you've accomplished even if its nothing more than the fact that you're still up and swinging. Sometimes that in and of itself is the biggest victory.

Love ya'll.

Testosterone - What it is and Why I like it

As promised.

Of course we all know that testosterone is a hormone. Both men and women have it but men have more and in the womb its part of what makes the baby develope male sexual characteristics. Now of course I'm not talking about that today when I say 'Testosterone - What it is and why I like it.' I only said that to say there is a biological basis for our differences.

Anyway, more often than not, people come on 'Divorce Court' because the woman in the relationship has had her heart broken and wants to be heard. I think men have their hearts broken just as much but because of our societal 'men can't show emotion' bias they aren't as comfortable saying "Love has made a fool of me" on national TV as women are. So I don't get to say all the good stuff about men as often as I would like. (and frankly sometimes when I do it gets edited out because its not as exciting as when I fuss at people) So this is my opportunity to do so:

FAIR WARNING: I get that what I am saying here are generalizations. All men and women are individuals with their own special character but in general men and women do think and feel differently on a lot of levels. The things is you can't say one is better than another - just different and each side has some negative and positive aspects to the way they are. That having been said:

1. The male ego, though often bashed for it's unpleasant ramifications, pushes men to do. This supercgarged desire for more has authored a great deal of good in terms of progress that has made our lives so much easier.

It is also what makes my husband willing, with great ease, to suffer harm for me. Its what makes my sons defend me. If a man has pulled you to him and loves you their egos defend you against all comers, as well, because any swipe at you swipes at them as well.

2. I like the way men seem to get over things easily. They don't ruminate over who said what and how they said it and all of that. I can really give my sons what for and they take it move on. They don't keep going over it. I'll still be upset and want to talk about it later. All they want is dinner. Once I feed them all is well. My husband is the same way. I can't tell you how many times he's looked at me with utter surprise and said, 'I thought this fight was over"

3. I like the way they look and feel. (I am not going to elaborate on this one. I think it speaks for itself)

4. I like their immediacy and occasional bravado. My husband often makes me go out and have a good time. My dad was the same way. I think men have a great sense of abandon and are less likely to worry about things.

5. I like the way they look and feel. (Did I mention that already?)

6. I also think men in American culture need to be applauded for the manner in which they have responded to women demanding equality. Power is not an easy thing for anyone to relinquish and while their is still sexism, I think every generation has been more and more willing to accept that equality. It's not like that everywhere. Men here are sometimes being asked to be sensitive and strong at the same time and don't quite have a clear indication what we're looking for and their role. But they are working on it. I see it all over. That's huge.

I have a husband and six sons and I am crazy about all of them. The house feels different when they are all here with me. There is an energy about them that I love.

For what it's worth.

What Other people Think

I got a question today that reminded me of something a lot of people ask me and it is about listening to what other people think about the relationship you are in. You know, you can't pay attention to every ten cent opinion that you get. That doesn't mean you should ignore people either. What you have to do is put it in perspective.

Who is this person?

Are they older? Do they have more experience?

Do they really love me? What shape is their personal life in?

You get the picture?

And for the young lady who said that everyone says that any relationship with a returning military man is doomed: Here's my ten cents worth.

I don't know anything about that. It may very well be hard. Many people have faced this problem and they can't have all been unsuccessful. So first believe that it can be done.

But expect that it might be hard and talk about it before anything goes wrong. And when i say talk about it I mean to HIM. You can ask others who have re-meshed after deployment successfully to see if they have anything to offer. But you have to believe they you are in control of the manner in which you two reconnect. Talk about the problems that are bound to pop up BEFORE they do. Be respectful of how he has changed and ask him to do the same. Get help if you need it sooner rather than later. Remember sometimes men have trouble talking about things so give him time. You can put an issue out there and say let's talk about it tonight over dinner. Give him time to pull up how he feels and put it into words.

And don't start calling your girlfriends to talk about all that's wrong. You know we ladies have a tendency to do that. We really can get each other worked up. That doesn't mean we can't share but be careful and mature about it.

I don't know if any of that will work but it can't hurt, Just don't throw up your hands and give up. Stay positive and fight for your marriage. And don't expect to be happy all the time. Marriage can, on occassion, simply suck.

For what its worth. Good Luck!

Loss of Composure II

Okay guys, if you saw my show today you know I went there again. Just so you know that show was taped on the same day of the emergency room drama that I spoke of in my previous Loss of Compsure Blog.

My delivery was emotional but it was the same message our president -elect gave in that church that day (you know the one about black fathers AOL) so I think I am in good company on my sentiment if not so much on delivery. By the way I think one more of those shows from that day is still yet to air - so buckle up.

To me this is not political but personal. It's not a condemnation of all brothers. (and in fact all races have these problems its just that in my judgeship and Divorce Court I get a lospided clientele. The people willing to come on often have the same sort of issues and I get more black couples than white he call in)

So many men (both Black and White) are great but those aren't the guys I get to see. So I tell you what, in a blog soon I am going to do a tribute to Black Men. I'm going to call it The Beautiful Brown Brothers - They're Everywhere. Then I am going to do Testosterone - What it is and Why I Like It- a tribute to good men in general. I promise.

The show doesn't allow you to see all of me. Life is complex. My feeling about things are multi layered and expansive. The show doesn't let you see it all. That's one reason I wrote My Mother's Rules I just want people to see all of me. I exposed my soul in that book. It was hard. But I have rules of life in there I thought were extremely important to share.

Peace.

Lynn

Ask Not What Your Country Can do for You

Hello everyone,

Last night we elected our first Black president. That says a lot about the growth of a country that within my lifetime was fighting just to give black folks the right to sit at a lunch counter with whites in the South and now has voted a black guy into the most powerful position in the country.

This is history and it is important. Accordingly I'm getting a lot of comments about the election and I understand that but like I said I don't discuss politics and I don't get into the back and forth about it. Oh, don't get me wrong. I am educated on the issues - I read voting records, know how many votes these guys missed or made, their percentage of voting this way or that along party lines and all the rest of things most people don't do. And, of course I vote. (I won my first judicial election by only 6 votes so you know I know how important that is) But I don't campaign or want to discuss this guy versus that guy (or gal ) or this policy versus that policy here. People get rhetorical and angry about that stuff and no one every changes their mind no matter what the other person says. And that's not what I do. I am writing this because I don't want you to think I don't care or don't read your comments but I have a direction and mindset here.

Instead I'd like to say this about being an American:

1. I think that the 2 best things ever said by American presidents are: "Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country" -Kennedy and "There is nothing to fear but fear itself" - FDR.

2. I hope every president we have does an extraordinary job regardless or party or color or gender. They do well - we do well.

3. No one man is a savior so don't set anybody up for failure by expecting him to fix everything. He can't do it alone nor can he change everything right away. Nor is all change good. It must be well reasoned. (You can mess up the good stuff while trying to change what you don't like if you're not careful.) And sometimes even then - who knows? We are an immediate gratification culture and real meaningful and helpful change takes time. Likewise we are a culture that tends to point to someone else and say "they need to do something about this" (review my Kennedy quote) We must do what we can to make things better. We can't expect the government to do everything. Personal responibility is a law of the universe that never gets repealed.

4. Guys who supported the winner should not gloat and those whose guy lost should not be angry. No matter how this shakes out we are now in this bad boy together. Hang on to your ideas, no doubt, but be open to learning and engage in effective and constructive - not divisive or venemous - disagreement.

Having given my ten cents worth about this I'm done. I'm not looking to have a political discussion on here. Lot's of places to express political ideas on the net. MY interest on this site is personal improvement, positive thought and the occasional joke.

Work hard. Love well. Laugh as often as possible.

Peace

Last Stop Before 50 Revisited

I had my last stop before fifty birthday party last night. I had fun. I think everyone else did too. But it makes you realize a few things about getting older:

1. Hangovers are more durable and unforgiving. Recovery time is extended.

2. People don't like to dance as much as they used to. And breaking it down (dancing low) is no longer possible without knee injury.

3. Life goes back to the way it was when you were 10. The men go in one room and talk about sports and try depserately not to get pulled into a conversation about the furniture that we women somehow find fascinating. We women go elsewhere and talk about things that make our husband eyes glaze over.

4. Everybody knows when to go home.

Other things I figured out:

My mother came. She still tells me what to do and I listen. My guests laughed. They thought it was funny and you know what - it is.

My sister came. She is a neurologist and a ballroom dancer with no husband or kids. She has a lot more fun than I do on a daily basis. She also has more interesting things to talk about. She's great at a party. She is my designated party starter.

I am still on my PIP to enjoy people and things more instead of looking for things to worry about. I am one of the world's best worriers. Drives my husband to distraction. But like i said I'm working on it.

What else can you do?

The Heart and Its Reasons

Hello everyone. I just did a show on NPR and the host Farai asked me a question that I certainly did not know how to answer. We were all talking about Jennifer Hudson's situation.

And first, let me say this, no one knows who did what yet - we know the boy friend is a person of interest but you can't put him on trial in the court of public opinion I am big on that. I think we do that waaaaaay too often.

But her situation led to a conversation about mothers not liking boyfriends and lovers and what do you say to a person who is in love and you don't think its a good person to be in love with.

I said once 'the rush' (and you all know what I'm talking about) begins its too late. You have to warn people ahead of time about what things feel like and what people say so they can see it coming. Talk to kidsjust when they get that age and don't tell them what not to do but tell them about how it feels where you've been and what it can be like and don't lose your mind.

I tell my boys all the time that that first hit of sex makes you a little crazy. They think I'm crazy and they don't want to hear it but I tell them it ain't no joke and I'm not playing and you heard it here first.

"The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of" - Pascal

Follow (but not too close)

Influencial pleeeeeeease. (Chuck, my web guy, was all excited by the article in Media Week talking about the influence daytime talk show people have)

Have you seen my thirteen year old's room? Can you get the construction guy to finish my bathroom? Do you know how to get my husband in the grocery store? These are the things I want to accomplish. These are the people I want to listen to me!!!! Maybe I should post the list up in the kitchen so next time I tell someone to scrape and load their dishes something might actually happen..

It's all relative I guess. And its your relatives that usually cause all of the problems!!!!!

I’m not sure how to do this

Hello, I still get messages asking if this is really me. I understand why you ask because there is another site claiming to be mine but isn't. I am not quite sure how to prove this is me except that my site looks like my web site www.judgelynn.com . I used the same colors and background. You could also read my book My Mother's Rules. The things I say on my blog mirror what's in my memoir.

Last, again I can't personally respond to stuff but will continue to post on themes I see or if someone posts something really interesting.

Hope you day goes well.

Just a Couple of Quick Responses

To the young lady who responded to my weight blog noting the grief she gets for being too skinny. Unfortunately it is human nature to categorize and criticize. It us and them. Right and wrong. Different gives people fits. Get next to that and over the fools. You can't take other people's ignorance personally. I had a very important positive experience early in life. (they weren't any fun them but I cherish them now) My sister and I were the only two blacks in an all white school in 1964. Got called the n-word. They woudn't let my sister and I swim in the local pool. My father's response: "Did anybody hurt you?" Our answer "no." Then he'd say "How are you grades?"

I bet none of those people who called me names or kept me out of that pool have their own television show. His message, you do everything you can to get better and be successful. Yes, you will run into some fools along the way. Some of them might even be able to set up road blocks. But don't let that define who you are just let it tell you how hard you have to fight.

And to the young lady who asked me about what I meant in my book My Mother's Rules when I said my mother told me I only saw half of what was going on and did I believe now that I am a mother that that is how it is with moms and kids. First yes, you got that right mom did tell me we didn't see the worst of my father's illness. And yes I agree that my kids can't see the whole picture of what we do. But I will say this my mother's situation was vastly different from my own. She had to hide some stuff that daddy did to her and in general because he was bi-polar and it was just too deep for kids to deal with. I haven't got anything I need to hide like that. Sure they don't understand the whole scope of money and sacrifice, but it's far different from what my mother did. She hid horror stories. Ones that I don't have. Great question. Very thoughtful.

I appreciate those of you who wrote and said you understood my "Lost My Compsure" blog.

Some of you wrote me to say that you liked my idea of doing a PIP (Personal Improvement Plan) that I wrote about in my Comfort of Other's Blog. If any of you do start one I'd love to hear about it.

And last, but by no means least to all of you who said 'happy birthday' . . . Thank You!

Last Stop before 50

Someone sent me a happy birthday message today. How sweet. And yes my birthday is this month. I'll be 49, The Last Stop Before 50!

My mother aways tells me that I talk about my age too much. Her concern however is personal. She says she doesn't care whether or not people know how old I am. What she doesn't like is the fact that once people know how old I am they can figure out how old she is!!

I don't mind discussing my age and I am kind of into being a half century old. Sounds impressive to me. I associate age and wisdom. Though you aren't necessarily wise because you are old I don't think you can be wise without having some years behind you. You can be smart, precocious or capable when you are young but there's nothing quite like experience.

I remember one year I thought I was older than I actually was. When I ran for judge I was 33 years old. Everyone thought that was a bit young to be taking the bench. So when a reporter called me once and asked my age I said "I'll be 34 next month." I thought it sounded better, when in reality it probably made me sound a little silly. Be that as it may I started thinking a year a head, around that time and I actually had to think about it once when someone asked me my age.

That was 15 years ago though. And now I don't have any need to sound any older than I am. But its cool, except for the physical realities of it. And I'm not just talking looks - I don't bounce like I used to. I've always danced, done Tae Kwon Do and stuff like that. And I was always pretty good - strong flexible great balance. But now if i turn the wrong way getting out of bed I can hurt my back and walk crooked for a week. It really came home to me last month when I started tennis lessons. Boy could I tell the difference. I was no longer as light on my feet. Power was still there but I had slowed and the old Toler agility has apparently just upped and walked away one day while I wasn't looking. And every muscle in my body was screaming!

Of course, I am not immune to vanity either. No one really wants to get wrinkled, saggy and giggly. I used to be able to run around without make up and look pretty good. Now - not so much. A little effort is required. (Not that I usually make that effort - I just can't next to it being necessary on a day to day basis) but if I do need to look good work needs to be done.

By the way don't let the TV persona fool you. I am in make up and hair for 2 hours before they let me out there. Jennifer, Valade and Yolanda (The Glam Squad as I call them) get me together!!!

But I still think getting older is something to celebrate. I hate a "youth is everthything especially if you are a woman" culture that still exists - even though I think we are starting to get over it.

If God allows me to live to be 80 I am telling you now I am going to be a hot mess!! I am going to do what I want when I want and how I want to do it. You won't be able to tell me a thing. I want to be old and outrageous!

Anyway that's the plan.

Peace.

Couldn’t Help It

Normally I just put stuff out there and let it go but I couldn't help but say a couple of more things. I don't believe that being 'a loner' in and of itself is a bad thing. I might have given that impression. It is what it is and there is nothing wrong with it as long as it does not isolate you to the point where you are lonely or otherwise negatively affected.

My thing is when I am alone too much I worry. The idle mind is indeed the playground of my devil and I try not to let my weaknesses lead me. Alone is cool as long as it is an option not a prison.

This is for the young lady who said she's a little afraid of strangers and doesn't dance or drink so doesn't quite know what to do. I feel you on the stranger anxiety but I've been working that on a PIP for a long time because that has put limits on me. It used to tell me what I could and could not do. It kept me from being a bridesmaid in my own best friends wedding.

So I had to change and I worked it like a job. I watched others who know how to work a room or are comfortable in strange situations and I imitated them. I faked it until I felt it.

AND also remember this partying is not the only form of social interaction. If you want to enjoy others you can start by finding THINGS you like to do. Take a class, volunteer, join a book club - whatever. You will meet people who share your interests and you don't have to start some artificial conversation. You talk about what you are doing. That is a good way to get out there and get connected. No booze or boogeying involved!

Last, the reason I felt the need to say one more thing about this is because I think that too much virtual and not enough actual can be a bad thing. We are social creatures and there is a real biochemical benefit to social interaction. It helps with empathy and stress reduction. Just like anything else, virtual socialization is a good thing as long as its not taken too far.

For what it's worth.

The Comfort of Others

Hello everybody, I just returned from New York where I did an appearance on the Mike and Juliet Show on their Verdict portion and did a short stint on Open Court on Tru TV. A couple of you asked what I was doing before I left so they could watch but things were so hectic I didn't get to tell you. The trip was last minute and I don't do last minute very well. I'll try to do better. In fact my mother called me yesterday and gave me the blues over the phone because I didn't tell her. She said "Good thing I have freinds who know you don't tell me anything. They call whenever they see you on TV or in a magazine because they know I don't know."

I promised her I would do better as well. You see I am on new PIP. That's my own personal acronym - (Personal Improvement Project) I go on them all the time. Most don't work but every once in a while one sticks and some improvement is better than none.

This particular PIP was inspired by my sister Kathy, who as I write this I now realize probably doesn't know I have a MySpace page. She laid me out a couple of weeks ago about my tendency to stay to myself. I am, by nature, an unrelenting loner. All my life, alone at home has been my ultimate destination. It is, I believe, one of the best ways I have found to score my drug of choice, CONTROL. Not of others but of myself and my surroundings.

I am haunted by a few things. My very nature is one of them. I have gotten where I am despite my concerted efforts to get someplace else not nearly as good. I won't go into detail here. If you are truly interested I put all of the ridiculous details in my memoir, My Mother's Rules, which, to this day my mother is still pissed about.

Anyway, my new PIP is to learn to enjoy leaving the house, stay in closer touch with the people I love and actually, pursue personal friendships. My husband says I am nice to everybody and close to no one except him and our boys. And on my bad days he's not even sure that he's on the list. So I am going out tonight. Neighbor is having a party. My husband's going over his buddy's tommorrow and at first I told him no but I just told he yes.

I think it is part of the reason I enjoy MySpace so much. I can connect at a distance. I find the intimate anonimity of it comforting.

I call my Mom everyday now. Don't talk long because I'm impatient but I make the call. Slow steps. Right direction. I'll never be gregarious. But I am going to make an effort to learn to enjoy the comfort of others.

I like my PIPs. They are always uncomfortable but I make it a game. I am very competetive. 'I can't beat this' is always my mantra. It's what I try to explain to people on the show and in my book. You have to zero in on what's not serving you well and work it like a job.

So here's wishing you peace and a new PIP of your own. Why not? The worst that can happen is nothing at all. The best would be that you're still you but better.

Peace.

Stuff

Hello everybody,

First I want to say that I read what you write me. All of you who are struggling I wish you well. Unfortnately, I have no real wisdom to share except keep your head up and keep pushing. Even when feeding the body is a difficult thing to do you should't forget to feed your soul. Take a moment to enjoy appreciate or otherwise acknowledge something positive, if your religion gives you comfort lean on that. If it doesn't and even if all you are getting for the moment is the occasional sunny day take a couple minutes and enjoy it. You have right to feel good even when things are bad. Sounds so trite and silly but its all I've got. That and my advice to work the edges. I wrote blog on that earlier. If you look at the entierty of all your problems they can overwhelm you. Focus on what you are handling at this very moment. Fix, comfort or help as much as you can and applaud yourself for whatever you've done even if it didn't do much but made it more tolerable for the moment. It all helps.

Last, I try to be honest and share what's going on with me. And I do care about what goes on with you. But please understand I can't send money, endorse products, call you on the phone, answer personal questions or intervene on your behalf with other agencies or people. I am not qualified to do most of what you ask and I just can't fix things for the hundreds of people that contact me through Divorce Court or MySpace. Doesn't mean I don't care. Just can't.

I'll be gone for a while. Have to do some promotional stuff. Will be out of town and running around. You can look for me on TruTV and Mike and Juliet in the Morning (and of course on Divorce Court.) My best to all of you.

Take care.

Man of the House

I just had to share this.

Whenever my husband leaves town or will be away from home for a while he tells my oldest son "Will, You're next in line. While I'm gone you are the man of the house."

When he was young he thought it was cool. When I would ask him to help with his younger brother as the man of the house he was on point. But once he reached adolescence he began to question its meaning. Especially the other day when his father took his younger brother to a baseball game out of town and it was just me and Will.

His father said the same thing he always did. "While I'm gone you're the man of the house." My son Will responded as follows:

"That's just dumb. I can't tell her what to do. So what does it mean? I'm not the man of the house. I'm not in charge."

All my husband did is say "remember what I said."

Well, while hubby was gone I decided to paint the wall in the living room. I thought it best to do it in his absence since I had had a painter come and paint it three different colors three different times and I still wasn't satisfied. (yeah, that's right, I want what I want and I was going to work it till I got it)

Anyway while I was in the garage trying to get a ladder Will comes out and says "what are you doing?"

I say, "I'm getting a ladder to paint the wall." He then took the ladder from me brought it in the house and set it up. I jump on the ladder and he says, "Mom, it's not steady." I say "Oh it will be okay, just hold it."

He said "I'll tell you what you get down and hold it for me I'll get the top part." And that's what he did. When he finished he asked me if I was cool. I said "well I gotta wait for it to dry and do a second coat." He says, "Well when you're ready let me know. I'll get the top part."

As he left the room I hollered after him. "THAT RIGHT THERE IS WHAT YOUR FATHER WAS TALKING ABOUT: MAN OF THE HOUSE" What neither one of us could explain to him he did by imitation. He watched my husband and naturally followed suit.

I always get a lot of "who shot John" on Divorce Court about being the man of the house. Most of what I see is a claiming of rights without the taking of responsibilty. No matter what your view is on men as head of the household, none of it means a thing unless the care is there. No matter what else it means to you to be 'the man of the house' it must include taking responsibility for your family's well being.

I had to share this because I complain about my hubby and kids a lot on the show. (and I tell you, they do get on my nerves - there's a whole lot of "I want, I want I want" going on around here)

But I was so proud of my son and husband both. And I have never been able to really put it into words. It was what I wanted to tell that brother i yelled at the other day but didn't have it together enough to say.

That's why you fellas have got to be there. No spreading your seed and walking off. In the house. Involved. Invaluable.

And to all of you who are (and there are a lot of you) : Mad props!!!

Peace.

Having Lost My Composure

I don't know how many of you saw today's Divorce Court. If you do you know I lost my composure. I usually don't go there and I felt a little badly about it so I wanted to give you the full 411 on what happened that day. Now certainly judges are supposed to stay removed from the situation and not get emotional but we are all human and I had a moment.

Here's the deal: The day before I had taken my husband to the emergency room because he was sick. Turns out he had something that turned into pneumonia. At that time we did not know what the underlying problem was so they gave him so medicine. Well the next day he woke up and his tongue was the size of a potato. He had an allergic reaction. He didn't tell me. He just went back to the hospital. I was on the phone doing the Steve Harvey radio show and he didn't want to alarm me. I had to go to LA to tape that day. He didn't get back until much later, he said everything was fine and I should go. So I did.

The next day when I got to the studio in the morning I called home and my older son answered the phone. He was supposed to be at school at that hour so I asked why he was home and he told me he was really sick. So I asked to talk to his father so I could figure out what was really wrong. My son says"He's not here." I asked "where is he?" Son says "He went back to the emergency room." I say "what happened?" He says "I don't know he just left."

Then I said 'where is your little brother?' Big son says 'he's in bed.' I told big son I know you're sick but you have to get that boy up get him dressed and make him go to the bus. (Little son was trying hard to fail math at the time and we couldn't afford a day off)

So big son says "yeah I will." Next thing I do is call the emergency room. Got transferred all around and nobody told me a thing HIPPA LAWS. All they would do was say that he was there.

I called my son back and ask if his little brother got to the bus. Big son says "I guess so." I say "don't you know?" Big son says "Well, he left and didn't come back."

I call the hospital again and insist that since they can't tell me anything they need to put my husband on the phone. (all the while I had been calling a texting him on his cell with no response) They said they'd call me back. I did 2 shows with my cell phone under the bench waiting to hear. I hit his cell again. He texted me the word 'OK' That's it. So I KNEW everything wasn't. In the mean time in between time the guy that I hollered at was the third guy that day who in essence defined his manhood by the number of women he could have sex with and walk away from.

So there I was away from home worried about my good guy husband and two good kids and I'm talking to this guy. I was pressed, stressed and I wanted to go home. Lost my mind. What can I say.

By the way Hubby's better now, so is big son and little guy passed math (barely)

I'm not making excuses. And I don't take back anything I said. But I thought my delivery lacked a little dignity. I'm not sorry but I a liitle disappointed in myself. One thing should never bleed into the other. I thought I had it handled a little better than that.

What are you gonna do?

Judge Lynn

My weight

I am 5' 1" tall and lately I typically weigh between 120 - 130 lbs. I have been as big as 140 (not including pregnancies at which time I was well over 150.)

I used to be between 105 -109 lbs regularly but I have gained weight over the past few years. I work out a fair amount though so I keep it as giggle free as I can.

There I've said it.

So what?

Ladies, please don't obssess about you wieght. And whatever you do don't let what others think about it define how you live your life. The only other person you should listen to with respect to that is your doctor. If he or she says you're too big and its affecting your health do something about it. But don't let this 'got to be skinny' culture define you.

I'll admit it. I care what I look like. After all I'm on TV. But I tell you what, I am not going to obssess about it or give up chocolate cake. I'll work out. I will watch what I eat most days but I don't intend to be a slave to some image that I can't fill.

So sweet heart (and I know you know who you are) let that nonsense go!!! I'd love to be your size again. Instead of worrying about what others think of you or feeling like getting a man is the it and end all of everything, enjoy your life. Don't put your happiness on hold and yourself image on lockdown because of one person or idea. A beautiful brain can never be too big. A warm and loving spirit can't be too large. A good laugh won't send your blood pressure up. In fact, it might help bring it down.

And by the way, one day I might lose the Battle of the Bulge altogether. I hope not. But trust me, if I do I will nicely, yet firmly, invite the entire world to kiss my fat brown ass.

No joke.

I have a question

Okay, this is what I want to know. . .

You have to take a test to get a driver's license. In some states people under 18 must take a driving course before they can even take the test. Contractors and everybody else need to DO SOMETHING - prove some level of knowledge - before they can get a license. Should that be the same thing with marriage?

There is a cost to the high rate of divorce. Children are denied a certain level of stability and often end up in a tug of war. Shouldn't we at least require people to take some kind of marriage prep course that talks about finances, communication, kids and some of the common pitfalls? Of course I am not suggesting that the state could refuse to give you a license after you take the course but it's such an important issue and there is a high social cost associated with rampant divorce. Shouldn't the state at least be able to make you sit through a couple of hours of information before it grants you a license?

OR is it just about love? Should the state get its grubby little hands involved in something that is so personal? I am all about doing what I want when I want. Just the idea of additional regulation gets on my nerves. For me the issue cuts both ways. What do you think?

Judge Lynn

Good Morning

Hello everyone I have been very busy. But thought I'd drop by to say Hi. I am writing a new book with a friend of mine Deborah Hutchinson. We're trying to help people take a sane approach to upsetting situations. We are working on the edges where law and family meet and are trying to head off some problems before they start such as: when you have to co-parent after a divorce, your grown child moves back home or when you lend money to a friend. Book is due TODAY to the editor and we are not done in a big way!

Hope you are all well. Haven't been able to pick out problems themes lately because of book deadline. Children ARE NOT HELPING. The little one, it seems, has been breaking out into The Robot Dance in gym. His coach called because he had talked to him on several occasions and its wasn't helping. I took away all of his electronics: ipod - gamesystems - you name it . No friends over either. Talk about an unhappy young brother. But you've got to pay to play. And Mom's not kidding about this school business.

Have a good day.

Lynn

Rumor Control

Hi everybody,

A couple of my friends have called me lately and asked if Divorce Court has been cancelled. The answer is NO! I think some people confuse me with Judge Hatchett (a great lady by the way). I don't think she is taping any new shows but the best of Judge Hatchett still airs. At least that was my understanding the last time I spoke with her. I heard they were talking about it on Wendy Williams. But don't go by me check your local listings!!

BUT WHAT I DO KNOW FOR SURE IS I am still doing new shows. I think Judge Hatchett and I look a bit alike and people get us confused. (which I find flatering because I think she is beautiful) So if you heard the rumor, know that it isn't true. Divorce Court is still on with new shows!!!

Judge Lynn

Thank You

Hello.

You know I get a lot of questions and requests from people who are having difficulties. First I am very gratified that you value my opinion. But remember anyone's opinion is just that. You have to evaluate all advice from me or anyone else.

Of course, like I keep saying I can't respond to all of the questions. Just themes. Some people write with serious issues very personal to them. Information and advice is everywhere. I encourage those of you dealing with difficult things to search out experts in your area for the answers. There is no quick fix to a lot of things. Effort is often required over a long period of time. That's true about most things worth doing. Just make sure you evaluate the person giving advice. If I am looking for direction on how to raise my kids I don't take it from people who kids are unruly unless they are telling me what they did wrong. Just because people have an opinion doesn't mean its a good one. Look at where they are and how they got there before you listen to what they say.

Having said that i would like to thank those of you who have written me with good news. I haven't acknowledged that and I should. So if you were all excited about a new job or getting in to school and dropped by to tell me about it (and you know who you are) I say CONGRADULATIONS - Good for you That kind of thing is inspiring and I applaud your efforts to move forward.

Go for it.

Good Question

Someone posted a responce to my last blog and asked if depression was really a part of me because I battle with it. She thought not.

First, I am not at all offended by the statement. I am always open to new ideas and I like to hear what people really think. Thank you for posting.

While I understand what you are saying I still say it is a part of me. I understand your point of view though. Depression is considered an illness and as such I needn't say its a part of me. I get that. But I still claim it just like I do my physical features, my intellectual capabilities and all of the rest of it.

Depression has authored a great deal of what I do and not all of it is bad. I do some of my best writting when I am depressed. I have greater compassion for others because I know no matter how much it appears someone has that they still can be fighting hard to stay afloat. It is a part of me. Just like being short (5'1") impatient and creative are all parts of me. I own it all. The good and the bad.

Being bi-polar was not all bad for dad. He was a black man born in 1919 and grew to be all of 5'2' tall to an impovrished family in the hills of West Virginia. he had every reason in the world not to make it. The manic part of his illness drove him to be an unstoppable bulldog. It was part of what made him so successful despite of all the disadvantages he had. He had a beautiful mind. He was bi-polar.

The thing is you are who you are - I make no judgments about it. Just because you don't enjoy a particular part of yourself doesn't mean it's any less you. Just because it is designated as an illness it is nonetheless a part of me. I own all my weaknesses outright and outloud. (in fact I listed them all in my book). On my good days, my failures keep me amused. I laugh ALOT.

Peace.

Who me?

Good morning. I have gotten a lot of comments on Myspace and in emails to Divorce Court lately about mental illness. Several were from women who were surprised that I talked about my battle with depresssion on Divorce Court. Others have referrenced my book, My Mother's Rules, in which I discuss the fact that my father was bi-polar.

My first thought on this subject is: you get what you get and there is nothing to be ashamed about. Yes, I've battled with depression and still do on occasion. Ain't no shame in my game. I am the stronger for it. I am more congnizant of and able handle all of my emotions because of the help I have gotten with that. I read a book by Terrie Williams called Black Pain that talks about the prevelance of depression in blacks and our reluctance to talk about it. That silence is deadly. In the last two years I have had three friends - regular guys who seemed to be doing well - a lawyer- a medical assistant and a minister who committed suicide. After each the words 'why' were on everones lips. That doesn't mean those around them were responisble. It just points to the unnecessary pain people end up living with as long as we, as a society, continue to be ashamed of or embarrassed by the fact we have emotional issues.

Personally I am big on hollering for help when I need it. And I don't mind talking about my battle if it helps someone else with theirs. In fact, I don't mind talking about it at all. It's a part of me. Like I said, ain't no shame in my game.

The Bi-polar thing is a little different. I had a hard time feeling comfortable telling people about my father's mental illness because, in a sense, it was not my story to tell. So I only wrote the book after he died. HE WAS A GREAT BRILLANT AND HIGHLY PRINCIPLED MAN. He did not ask God to make him psychotic so he could torment his wife and children. It was just who he was.

Having said that though, hear this. Kids should be protected, always. Bipolar is not an excuse to allow abuse. If you are dealing with a situation where you have a family member suffering from mental illness you can holler for help too. There is an national organization called NAMI (the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) that has support groups for families who have mentally ill relatives. To the young woman who was just sick of hearing about it as an excuse for your relative being mean. I hear your pain. You should be assisted and not fluffed off. It doesn't make it okay and I say keep talking about it - find another trusted adult - someone ought to listen to you. In the mean time remember its him and not you. Step back, steel yourself don't argue or get into it personally. Find your joy elsewhere and stick with it. Don't let the things he says define you in any way. Stay strong, take care, keep asking for help. I am with you in spirit.

Peace.

Teenaged dating

I just had to say something about the comment I got about teenaged dating. I had a message from a young lady saying she is 16 and dating a 24 year old man. Her mother doesn't like it but the young lady believes that she is old enough to make her own dating decisions.

Here it is. Hear me. As much as you think you know at 16 your mother knows more. She's been where you are and she has also been to places you haven't been. At 16 you don't even know how much it is you don't know.

I will be 49 next month I STILL listen to my mother because no matter how old I am she's older and knows more. Age is not just a number. It is a short hand way of measuring experience. Certainly some 16 year olds are wiser and more experienced than others. But I have yet to meet a 16 year old in love who knew more than her mother about what that meant.

I don't know the guy your dating but I know from what I'VE seen when a 24 year old man is dating a sixteen year old typically it is not cool. Not to mention it is a felony in some states.

That love thing can make your brain mushy especially when you are young. My opinion: LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!!!!!!!!

As promised

Okay as promised I am going to give you my ten cents worth on a couple of themes I've gotten from people who visit me here or at www.judgelynn.com.

1. Generally, I don't discuss politics. I am all over the map on that issue. I don't accept any one policy, person, party or platform as a whole. That having been said, some have asked my opinion on speeches by the presidential candidates. I don't listen to political speeches. Napoleon had a beautiful quote about well-recieved political speeches which, in essence, said a great political speech simply depends on how well the speaker tells people exactly what they want to hear. I go by legislative records, experience, implemented programs and platforms (although the last I take with a grain of salt.) I take a look at what they've done and how they've done it and what they say in writting about both economic, foreign and social policy. They talk about that stuff in speeches but it is designed to inspire not inform.

2. I have had a few questions about telling people negative things like should I tell my friend her boyfriend hit on me. I come from a family of truth tellers, even when it hurts. That's the stuff that helps you most. But I can't say that's best for you. Sometimes its not what you say but the way you say it. If you feel you must say something be truthful about how conflicted you are about telling them but you didn't think you had the right not to. We ladies are funny though. We tend to believe the guy cause its what our hearts want so you have to be prepared for that if you do tell. Personally I'd want to know but I found out the hard way not everybody's like that. Has anyone out there have an opinion you'd like to share?

3. Again lots of people ask me for advice and I usually can't go there so please don't feel offended that I don't adress your problem. Like i always say I usually don't have enough info and I get too many questions to give good responses but I do have themes I can adress like the one above.

Judge Lynn

I’m Back

I just wanted to check in and say hello to everybody. My computer crashed and I have been offline or had limited access through others computers.

I want to say Hi to the people I met at the Tom Joyner Family Reunion weekend. It was a great time!

I am excited about the new season of Divorce Court starting on Monday. I am still reading through messages. Lots of you have good questions or really important issues. And as always although I can't answer personally I am going to pick out a theme or a couple of topics and give you my ten cents worth. Take it easy!

Tom Joyner Weekend

Hello,

Tomorrow I am off to The Tom Joyner Family Weekend in Florida where I will serve on a panel about relationships and the family. I am really looking forward to it. I must say I see a lot of tension between men and women on so many issues:. Other baby's momma drama. Divorce. Anger on both sides: Men who think women take advantage of them with child support or only date them if they pay bills. Women who think that men never stay faithful, expect them to pay all the bills and do all of the house work. I recently heard for the first time a phrase called the '$400 solution'. Have any of you heard that? The way I heard it it's used to say to a woman "I'm not paying child support if you don't take the $400 solution to this unwanted pregnancy." Then there is the angry black woman claim; that so many of us are hollering screaming and difficult to deal with.

I know how I think and feel on a lot of relationship topics. But I always like to hear from others so I can know what's going on with everybody else and challenge my own ideas. So what do you think? Is there something you'd love me to bring to the table at the conference?

Talk to me.

New Season

It's that time again. The new season of Divorce Court is starting on September 8th. Check out our new Before the Vows and tell me what you think. Also if you are interested in seeing Divorce Court behind the scenes about how we put the show together and introducing you to my family check out InFANity a show on the TV Guide Channel. It will air August 25th at 1:00 pm, August 26th at 7 pm, August 27th at 3:00 pm and August 31st at 5:00 pm.

Stephanie Tubbs Jones

Often we spend a lot of time looking at, admiring and talking about people who are famous entertainers and athletes. And there is nothing wrong with that. I mean, I am an entertainer and part of my job is to remain in the public eye. But what concerns me is that we don't have an equal interest in or knowledge of lower profile but more important and powerful people.

Yesterday, Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones died. She was the first black congresswoman from Ohio. She was the Chairwoman of the House Ethic Committee. She was on the very powerful Ways and Means Committee (those are the people in Washington that do the nuts and bolts of who should get federal money). She first became a judge at 31.

She was my friend. She introduced me to and later performed the wedding ceremony for my husband and me.

If you have a moment today Google her. Just so you know what we lost.

Working the Edges

I got a message the other day that reminded me of lots of the emails I get at the show so, once again, I'd like to respond to what I see is a continuing concern a lot of people have.

In general, I get messages from people who are overwhelmed and stuck. I've made mistakes, they say, and now I am stuck with a man I don't love, dead end job, no education a whole bunch of kids, anger I can't get over - you name it. There messages are usually cathartic - they have a rush of words born of anger and frustration.

First, I'd like to say I see, in some of those letters, a strength that the people writting them may not recognize. The fact that they are still up and swinging and have identified their problems and are writing about them says a lot about their own strength. They may not feel it at the time but it is there and I want them to see that.

Second, I would also like to say a lot of you are dealing with hurts and problems I haven't personally had to endure and want to make sure you know I don't think I am all-seeing and wise especially about places I have not been or things I have not had to overcome. I do want you to know this though. I was raised in a house with a man who was psychotic. And I wasn't wound to tight myself. I had my first nervous breakdown at 9. I have emotional issues that still stalk me to this day. There were a couple of times my family thought that I was going to go down the same road my father did. (though I must say he was a wonderful man and very successful - he was just a bitch to live with) But my mother taught me how to fight the worst of myself. And though I don't know exactly what you may be going through I did pick up a couple of things from mom I found helpful in any situation. By the way, my mom did grow up in a poor and messy situation - young single mother - no money - bad neighborhood - and it was the rules she used to move up and out of that that kept me out of the luny bin:

It's a complicated process but my mother taught me that you can't make progress if you don't have a plan. The first thing she made me come to grips with is that you can't have plan to fix anything if you look at everything that is wrong all at once. Its too much. Its overwhelming and you can't fix them by doing one or two things.

If you look at the entire scope of your problems all at once they look insurmoutnable and you won't have any idea what to do, so you have to WORK THE EDGES. Find one small thing you can do something about. Or find one small joy or source of support you can put in your week. You may not be able to change all that is wrong but you can chip away at it. And every little victory makes you feel better about the rest of the mess you are dealing with.

This is a small thing but its important. Its the first step but its one I found indispensible. I wrote this just to pass on a little hope and encouragment. I wrote this to let you know I heard you. I wrote this hoping to give you a place to start.

Getting past the Ex

Hello everyone,

I have received a number of questions about getting past your anger for your ex in an effort to make things okay for your kids. First, you have to understand there is nothing anyone can say or do that will make anger upset or hurt just up and walk away. You have to work your emotions and do so with a specific goal in sight. While its hard and complicated here's my ten cents worth. This is what I would do.

1. Fake it until you feel it. Take each meeting one at a time. Decide that - just today - you are going to be pleasant. If you have to practice what you are going to say. "Hi, how are you. have a good time." Whatever. do it.

2. Give voice to your new attitude. Actually say to yourself in the mirror, "I love my kids more than I dislike my ex" Use their name. Say it outloud. Say it a lot.

3. Don't entertain the negativity. Don't talk about how much you can't stand him or her. Don't feed the anger. If your friends bring it up have a planned response: "I am getting past that. I have a whole life to live that doesn't include _____. I am done talking about it."

4. Don't expect to feel better all at once. Don't expect to be able to stop talking about it all at once. So when you fall back into old pattterns don't give up and say I can't. Keep going back to your game plan.

5. Have something else to do. You can't think about how much you can't stand somebody if you are actively doing something else. Find something new to do that you enjoy. Take a class, join a book club, or just read. If you feed your mind and your soul with something else you make that person less and less relevant.

These things sound silly and facile, but there is no magic wand. You have to have a game plan and work it. This is just a place to start. But do you see the pattern here? Do you see where I am going with this?

Oooops

I forgot to answer several questions about Divorce Court and Decision House in my last blog:

New episodes of Divorce Court will start airing on September 8th. Decision House doesn't have any new episodes scheduled but I think there are a few yet unaired that they will have on MyNetwork in the near future.

More Answers

Hi.

I see many of you share my feelings about Bernie Mac. What a talent. We'll miss him.

As you know I get a lot of questions so here's a few answers:

1. I get a lot of questions about MySpace and passwords. Should you mate or potential mate let you have their password etc. Just recently someone told me he was thinking of marrying a woman but she won't give him her MySpace password and asks me should he be worried. First, all of this is new to me eventhough it is really just a new version of the old issue "Do you trust each other?" My problem is I'm not up on techno-etiquette. My husband never goes in my purse and he doesn't read my mail. He could if he wanted to but he doesn't because he trusts me and respects my privacy. It's just a social thing. You don't go in a woman's purse or read their mail. I don't know how personal this thing is. My hubby could have my password but he's not in the least bit interested. So I guess my asnwer is do you trust her? Is she just big on personal space and privacy or does she give off indications that she's not trustworthy? Have you talked to her about it, told her how you feel and had a conversation about it? Is it a big deal? And if so why? It's not about passwords. Its about communication and trust if you have the first two the last one ceases to be an issue.

2. A couple people have asked how do they get over the anger they have for their ex for the kids sake. That's important and there's no simple answer to it. I have suggestions but it will take me some time to put it down. I'll consider it, put it on my web site and let you know when its there.

3. For those of you who have gone to the bookstore and can't find "My Mother's Rules" both Barnes and Noble and Borders should have order stock. In other words ask them to order it and they will. Otherwise you can get it off of amazon.com.

Later

Bernie Mac: A Celebration

I think Bernie Mac was the funniest man on the planet. I loved both his irreverence and sensibilites. He made fun of everything and everybody - including himself - he was hilarious.

When I heard he died today I had a decision to make. At first, I was going to write in the subject line of this blog In Mourning. But I changed my mind. What good what that do? How would that help me run my day and relate to my children and tolerate the day to day nonsense that tends to irritate most of us way too much?

Instead I am going to celebrate what he gave me. I am going to watch The Original Kings of Comedy for the 50th time today and I am going to roll all over the floor. He was funny. He took the negative, the stereotypical and the sensitive and made it the subject of humor. What a wonderful gift to have. Can you imagine how much happier we would all be if we could do that? Instead of getting injured and upset by others oddities and annoying opinions we get amused?

That leads me to this. I wasn't going to say anything about it but since he died today I said to myself what the heck. I felt bad that he got heckled when he did the Obama thing. (Of course, I am sure he probably couldn't have cared less - I'm trying to become more like him in that respect). So he said some off color things. That's who he is. That's what he does. A comedian can make jokes about sex women and menopause in front of me all they want if they are funny. I either am, have been involved with, or suffered through all three. I think we are too sensitive these days. We're all running around getting offended and feeling victimized by a comedian doing his job. He's not mean spirited he's just irreverent. In The Original Kings of Comedy he spent a whole 5 minutes talking about how bad he was in bed. By the way, I don't mind ho jokes either because I'm not one.

Let's lighten up. Let's take things as intended. let's not politically correct our way into being bland and ridiculous. Things can always get worse and at some point they usually do. Let's laugh when we can.

Rest in Peace, Bernie. You did right by this world.

Some answers

Hello everyone,

Just checking in to answer some questions I have been getting from people lateley:

1. I have been married 19 years to the same guy. Its my first - and hopefully my only - marriage.

2. Yes, indeed, I do try to help the people on my show even if it doesn't appear that they are listening. I do it for several reasons. First, they may be listening but not able to acknowledge it. Its hard for people to say "I was wrong" especially when they are on national television. They may hear and understand me but are simply unable to say 'my bad' at the time. Or they might not understand what I am telling them at the time but when they watch themselves on the show later they might be able to hear me. The message might get through when they are no longer under the glare of the lights and are sitting comfortably at home. Second, I don't do it just for them. Millions of other people are listening as well. And its a lot easier for people to see the mistakes they are making themselves when they show up in other people. You would not believe the number of emails I get telling me how much what I told someone on the show helped them, the viewer.

3. Yes, I do have my "wisdoms" written down somewhere. I wrote a book called "My Mother's Rules" It explains just how I look at things and why I look at them that way. By the way, I consider my mother wise - not me- I just have a platform to share what she taught me.

4. I am sorry that I can't write, message or call people personally. But between emails, Myspace and letters I get hundereds of requests every week for advice, for help with careers or to support things. I am not altogether sure I am spending enough time with my own family!! :) But I read things and respond generlly to questions as best I can. Please know I appreciate the fact that you respect my opinion and watch the show.

Gotta go, motherhood calls. I am going into the kitchen. Wish me luck!

Thank you

Hello everyone,

I would like to thank those of you who wrote me about my book. I am glad it helped. I exposed a lot of my family's big secrets in the book and was a little concerned about that but I wanted to share some of the great lessons I learned and in order to do that I had to explain how I learned them.

When people see me on TV they see strong and in control. I wanted them to know how I got there. I was weak and ridiculous for sooo long! It's funny now but it wasn't then and I just want to to encourage folks as much as I could.

In addition some of you have asked about my article Losing 19. You can get it off my website www.judgetoler.com and download it for free.

Again, I'm glad if anyone has been helped by the things that I write. I try to be forthcoming and truthful. I also hope you understand again why I can't respond personally for requests for help and advice. Like I said before, I gets LOTS of requests and just don't have the time or the information to give them a meaningful response. I will however get voice to some themes as they crop up as I did with 19 and inlove (my earlier post).

Take care.

Back Home

I just got back from vistiting my mother and old friends in Ohio. It's funny. No matter how old you get when you are with your mother she is in charge.

I needed to go and see her. She's doing great but you can't take anyone's ongoing presence for granted. My hubby didn't come with me. Just me and the boys. That was good because we got to TALK. (ladies, you know what I mean.)

Its also good for the boys to be around her. She can tell them things I want to say but they won't hear. Unfortunately, the 13 year old was not feeling it. He's having a hormone hey day. He's just in a non stop foul mood. I haven't seen the boy smile since Decemver '07. You'd think the boy was in reform school.

Nice to see my hubby again though I love the way love gets new all over again when you haven't seen each other in a while. We missed each other. And we are corny (or so my 16 year old tells me).

I have to tape in a few days so I am savoring the time I have at home. This is however where I do my best and hardest work. No complaints; just telling the truth. Moms don't get enough props!! We hold this thing together.

Peace.