Getting past the Ex

Hello everyone,

I have received a number of questions about getting past your anger for your ex in an effort to make things okay for your kids. First, you have to understand there is nothing anyone can say or do that will make anger upset or hurt just up and walk away. You have to work your emotions and do so with a specific goal in sight. While its hard and complicated here's my ten cents worth. This is what I would do.

1. Fake it until you feel it. Take each meeting one at a time. Decide that - just today - you are going to be pleasant. If you have to practice what you are going to say. "Hi, how are you. have a good time." Whatever. do it.

2. Give voice to your new attitude. Actually say to yourself in the mirror, "I love my kids more than I dislike my ex" Use their name. Say it outloud. Say it a lot.

3. Don't entertain the negativity. Don't talk about how much you can't stand him or her. Don't feed the anger. If your friends bring it up have a planned response: "I am getting past that. I have a whole life to live that doesn't include _____. I am done talking about it."

4. Don't expect to feel better all at once. Don't expect to be able to stop talking about it all at once. So when you fall back into old pattterns don't give up and say I can't. Keep going back to your game plan.

5. Have something else to do. You can't think about how much you can't stand somebody if you are actively doing something else. Find something new to do that you enjoy. Take a class, join a book club, or just read. If you feed your mind and your soul with something else you make that person less and less relevant.

These things sound silly and facile, but there is no magic wand. You have to have a game plan and work it. This is just a place to start. But do you see the pattern here? Do you see where I am going with this?