How I feel About My Money

Hello everyone,

Given the current economic concerns I have gotten a lot of questions about money and marriage. Finances are often sited as one of the biggest causes of marriage difficulty. Whether it truly is or not I am not sure (I think it is often a symptom of other problems and I also think people are just more willing to site that as a cause as opposed to other more embarrassing realities) Be that as it may money is a huge problem for a lot of couples. And not just when there isn't enough of it. Sometimes the problems arise because of who is making it or simply on how you spend it.

I have a lot of advice on money and marraige but I don't think any of it will help until people do this one certain thing: Understand what money means to them.

Everyone has an emotional relationship to moeny. For some peole money is about security. That's my financial type. Adequate money means saftey to me, that's why I'd rather see the money in the bank than on my back or in what I drive. I have in the past been known to carry this to an extreme hence my reputation for being cheap. I'm better these days but, hey, it is what it is.

To others however money is a means by which to keep score. My pops was that way. He was a black man born in 1919. he was born in an impoverished family in the hills of West Virginia and grew to be only 5'2" tall. He made money to 1. support his family - he was big on us having what he never got, he saw his value in his ability to support - but it was also to keep score. It was a way to rate on a scale that the world measures. Daddy was like:"You can tell me I'm nothing but you can't stop me from being something. I can do what you can't do despite what you think"

For other people money is about power and control either within a relationship or out in the world. If you want to be in charge having moeny is a good way to get there.

For others its about feeding a need to feel better about yourself by conspicuous consumption. You know what I mean, You have to spend everything I what you wear or drive because that is how you feel better about yourself. People who do that often have debt issues.

There are other different financial emotional styles but you get the picture.

Anyway, the reason I am going through all of this is that people need to understand how THEY feel about money, why they want it and what they want it for before they sit down and talk to their spouse about it. Their spouse may feel differently and you have to both know what the other one feels about it before you can respolve any financial issues. What is comforting for one may be frightening as all get out for the other.

My husband and I have been going back and forth on this for years. We have very different financial styles and it often causes conflict. In order to keep from killing one another every once in a while we have to address how the other person feels about money in order to decide what we are going to do with the money we have. Then we compromise based on that.

People never talk about how they feel about money and what they want it for. I don't think most people understand how they feel about it no less their spouse.

So I gotta ask. Do you know how you feel about money? If not, you should take some time to figure it out. If money gets tight you are going to have to make some decisions and what you and your better half comrpomise on or feel okay with will depened upon how well you two understand how you feel about money.

I'll be back later with another blog about The Money Conversation and The Money Compromise. Its stuff I've learned over the years from divorce court and my own marriage. Just suggestion ,ideas and a bit of economic consciousness raising. I am big on thinking your way through how you feel.

You know, no one who knows me well ever though I would be married as long as I have!!!! I took a test once with a marriage counselor. If you scored a ten you were highly compatible - not with this particular spouse - but with the institution of marriage itself. 10's knew how to compromise and do all those things that make marriages work. I got a 1.7. The message? I should be living alone in a cave with a dog.

Now look at me. Who'd have perdicted this?