Step Parenthood

Since my show the other day when I spoke about my step children I have gotten questions about how to be a successful step parent. Here's my 5 cents worth on that (You will note I usually say my 10 cents worth but here I only have 5)

Yes, I did the step parent thing and no I don't think I did it well. I wasn't horrible but I just wasn't completely engaged. When I was 29 I married my husband. He had 4 boys ages 9, 11, 14 and 16. Here's what I figured out during my process and from talking to a lot of families with that situation since then:

1. The key to discipline is the natural parent. If you are the step parent you need to sit your spouse down and talk about it. Tell them that you need them to do the discipline because from you it won't work - at least not in the beginning. Tell them you understand they feel badly for their kids because they have gone through a divorce and remarriage. while they have to be senitive and caring and listen to them but there must be clear lines.

2. Natural parent has to talk to the kids about you. They need to hear the kids out and validate how they feel but they have to make sure they tell them what they won't tolerate. That's what my husband did so well. He got us all together at a table and said. "She not you're mother but she is my wife. If you have any questions or issues we can talk about it." And then we went around the table and asked them how they felt what they had questions about etc. We got the ground rules down up front. (personally I sat there like an idiot - dear caught in the headlights - I had no idea what I was getting into.)

3. Here's something I wish I would have done but didn't: I wish I would have talked to them all early on, one on one, about how they feel and find some common ground. I should have planned something together for each of us to do that they enjoyed and thrown in a conversation: "I know its tough to have a new mom but, hey, I want this thing to work. Talk to me when you need to . . . "

4. Natural parent needs to back up step parent without hesitation about discipline in front of the kids. Now if natural parent thinks step has gone too far or done something inapproprate talk to them about it later. And before you do ask youself did I leave the discipline to the step when I shouldn't have done it?

5. Step parents: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. It's not about you its about teenagers and hormones and a jacked up situation and new person they don't know telling them what to do.

This is all I have on this one. I have to tell you I lucked out. My step sons where not angels but they didn't mess with their pops and he had my back. They were good kids, raised well and old enough to have a better emotional handle on things. I was a non-cooking, clueless wonder who meant well but had NO tools.

So the lesson there is you can screw up a bit and still fix things. Nothing is hopeless if you work the edges and switch up your approach if the one you are using isn't working. And talk to everybody. And keep talking. Walk away from the arguments. People can't hear you when they are angry. Step up and be the one to stand down. Come back to it when you are calm.

I wish all of you blended families well. It ain't easy and I do feel your pain. But if you work at it even if you don't do all of the right things the back end is beautiful. I am wild about them now. I have 6 (soon to be 7) grandbabies and I'm still young enough to run around with them. I have a whole set of young men to talk to my boys about things that they don't want to hear from me or their father. And here's what made my heart swell most recently. When my husband was sick and VERY CRANKY and not so nice to me, they stood up for me with him. How cool is that?

Good luck.