Old Dudes

Got an email from someone about a young lady (20) dating an older gentleman (43) who has an ex wife in another state who says he has sex with that ex sometimes and she is okay with that. She put it out there for me to blog on the issue of 'May/December - I'm being honest about not doing you right' relationships. So I will.

In my experience people (when they are doing you wrong) will tell you a little piece of it and not the whole thing. Why would they? They pacify with pretense of open and honest. Then they take carte blanche cause you've signed off. And if they take it further they have got the 'hey I told you. . . " thing going for them.

I think 20 is an awfully young age to compromise like that. If I could get 20 back? Are you kidding? You have a good head on your shoulders. (I know because I've seen other stuff you've written.) Use it. He's got 23 years on you. he knows how to work that emotional thing.

I didn't have a boy friend from ages 23 to 27. Had a few dates. But not many. Ain't nothin wrong with being alone.

Ladies, men are not the beginning and end of the story. Don't get me wrong a boyfriend can be a great couple of chapters. When its right they can even be a major theme through out your book. When you get married they become your co author. But I think it is important for both men and women to develope a sense of themselves outside of a relationship. That way its harder to stay in one that's not cool. You have other things going on.

I am not saying when you get a good person it will be peaches and cream. When you get a good one you'll still have to work hard amd make compromises. But if it ain't right in the beginning . . . what's your end game? changing that other person? settling for less than you want? just a little companionship because you are alone?

You have got to know what you want. Put your desire in words. What do you want in a relationship and why? Then ask yourself can I get it from them? and if not will it change? How probable is that? And if you don't anticpate change then ask yourself am I willing to settle?

(And you know when one's not right - your daddy won't like him and you'll send messages about it and you'll discuss the basic meaningful compromises made EARLY in the relationship on line.)

Big E, my co author, and I have an interesting book. It is full of conflict, anger and upset. I have made comrpomises. ( my mom still can't believe a married a man with four kids etc.) He's been unkind. I have been angry. The situation has not always been optimal - but the BASICS - respect, love and commitmment - these themes exists through out.

I can't tell anyone what to do. Hey, who knows? One day he could wake up and say what am I doing? This young lady is great and I should do right by her - I am niether all knowing or a fortune teller.

But I truly believe you have got to know specifically what you want out of a relationship and make a meaningful assessment as to whether this individual can give it to you. If you are on a train that is not going to your intended destination you can't get there and in the mean time, you will miss the other trains who are headed that way.

Expand your mind and your passions interests and abilities. That's when and how you run into the good ones.

Good luck and remember the longer you stay the deeper in love you'll be and the more comrpomises you will make and the harder it will be to walk away from a not so good situation.

Think it through. Think. Think.

My ten cent opinion, given with much love. For what it's worth.