Yes and No

I received two questions today and they were both good. The answer to the first is Yes. The answer to the second is No - but - I've done something far more embarrassing . . .

1. The first question: Is this really me blogging. The answer is yes. This question used to annoy me but as one of you pointed out there are a lot of fakers out there. (I've seen one site myself) and some celebrities have other people do it for them. Which by the way is understandable. When you are Mad Famous like Tyra, Oprah or Dr. Phil you don't have the time. These people are truly moguls. Different league all together.

If I ever did get mad famous I probably would stop blogging for the same reasons but I would not let anyone blog for me. I don't think they'd do it right. I have my own style, taste and rythym. I am funny about my words. They may not be Pulitzer worthy but they're mine.

2. The next question was: Have I ever fallen when I stepped off the bench on Divorce Court. The answer is no - but, like I said, I've done something far more embarrassing. I fell TAKING the bench while in criminal court on arraignment day. That''s the day I have a whole courtroom full of people who are about to enter pleas to criminal charges.

There had to be 75 people in the room. Attorneys, Police, defendants, you name it. My bailiff said "All rise" I stepped up to take my seat and slipped and fell. Worse yet, there was this lady in the front who was a little wacky and she hollered out. "God bless you baby God Bless you.. . . " and she kept it up -wouldn't stop and security had to take her out.

So I sat down, looked up and said "Go ahead and laugh 'cause you know it was funny." The whole court room broke up!

Then I called my first case.

Saturday

It's Saturday. Had to get up at 6:30 because our son spent the night over his buddy's house and they always camp out in the back of the car (which is dumb) and he gets cold in the morning and always calls us at some absurd hour (witness 6:30 am) to come rescue him. Last rescue. No more. The only reason we let him go in the first place is that he is like me and we are not naturally social people. He'd stay in his room all day if I let him. So we encourage socialization - but this is ridiculous.

So since I was up I thought I would holler. Thank you so much for your response to my new picture. I can't lie. I had two of the best hair and make up people in the business spend two hours on me before this was taken. We also had an oustanding photograhper. If I was a braver woman I would do like Oprah and show you a before and after make up picture - but I'm not there yet. Having said that I will say that if you met me on the street you'd be amazed, I run around looking pretty scary: glasses with $50 frames, a baseball cap, no make up, my husband's shirt on and a pair of 6 year old sneakers. ( I bought some new ones but they don't feel right.)

I've taken up tennis recently and now I hurt in places I never knew I owned. But I am going to stick with it.

By the way in conjunction with my last two blogs, I asked Big Man if I ever hit him would he hit me back and he looked at me like I was crazy. Then he got a little angry and said "Who do you think I am?" Our roller coaster of love has been a bit off track a bit lately so I am not sure if it was the best time to ask. I'm not sure if he realized it was a purely hypothetical question or if I was giving him some static.

Hell of an answer, though, even with the heat in it. You can say what you want to about him (and I usually do - because lately he's been working my nerves. He's been on and off my patch of land for several months now) but he's all man all of the time.

Timing is everything and it appears mine has been a little off of late with respect to him . This morning was good though since we were both had a common enemy. Mr. 16 who called at 6:30 a.m. for a ride.

Might check back with you later today. I am leaving town for almost a week to do several promo things. I am hoping to be on Mo'nique's radio show next Wednesday at 2:00 pm Pacific time, I think. I am tickled about that. I think she's hilarious. I'll fill you in on the time as this thing firms up. I really hope it happens. I love anybody who can make me laugh.

By the way, if you know any good jokes pass them by me - No dirty ones please. I heard a good one on a movie the other day:

A Rabbi, a Priest and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says:

What is this? A joke?

Told it to Big Man. He was not amused. Well, anyway I thought it was funny. Maybe it's a a delivery problem.

Enjoy your day if for no other reason than to piss off people who don't like you.

Now What?

I recieved an interesting point of view on my blog. It was a young woman who said that she and her girlfriend disgreed with respect to whether a man should hit a woman back if she hits him first. The writer said a man should be able to hit a woman back. Her girlfriend said he shouldn't.

If a woman hits a man its just as wrong as the other way around. The law does not distinguish between the genders when it comes to domestic violence. That having been said I will say this.

What a sad equality this is we ask for now: The right to behave like two year olds equally. As a judge, in court, I would treat everyone the same. DV for one is DV for another. But I tell you what - in life - I expect my people (my men, my husband, my sons) to behave better than the law requires. I taught my boys don't hit girls.

They can walk away/restrain whatever. But first of all I would tell them that if they are running around with women that resolve conflict this way they need to change their social circle. And if they are so soft as to be taken out by a girl they need to go to the gym. Men are stronger than women. I don't care to pretend that isn't true.

I think if I hit my husband he wouldn't hit me back. First of all I wouldn't hit him because I don't think it would resolve a thing. It's not intelligent nor is it persuasive. Moreover, for what? To make him laugh?

But if I were to go there one day (which I just can't see but let's just pretend for the heck of it) I don't think he would come back with it. 1) he's old school 2) he knows he would hurt me in a way I couldn't hurt him 3) I think he'd feel like a punk hitting somebody who can't really hurt him. If I really lost my mind I think he would restrain me but I think he would lose too much of his manhood hitting me. It's like showing up to a fist fight with a gun. It lacks dignity.

But like I said, what a sad thing this is. Hitting him to begin would constitute a glaring failure and a sad commentary on who I am. Of all the things we women could think up to emulate from men is this the best we can do? And guys what's going on that this is what's happening? The fact that it goes there (apparently from what I am hearing with greater regularity) is unfortunate. No high ground here, people. If this is the way things are headed, if this is the conversation we need to have more often, there is no need to ask who won the fight because we've all lost.

First I Have To Plead Ignorant

I had no idea who Chris Brown and Rianna (sp?) were until all of the news regarding their altercation hit the news. Ever since then I have been asked to comment about domestic violence. Did it on NPR and just this morning on a radio show in Chicago.

I haven't bought a CD that didn't day Best of. . . or Anthology. . . in years. So I am not up to date on today's music. (In fact still haven't heard any of their stuff)

Anyway, whether or not I know them I have been asked to comment on the general issue. Just this morning, I had a interesting conversation on the radio with a call in listener. There seems to be a great deal of "The Angry Black Woman" desreves what she gets going on. This leads me to two issues I see 1) a basic misunderstanding of domestic violence and 2) where are we as a culture and a society that there is so much anger and aggression by BOTH Sexes.

First before we continue I want to tell you a little about my background. When I was a municipal judge I saw hundreds of domestic violence cases every year. I headed a local version of a countywide attempt to have a systemwide response to domestic viloence. We wanted to do more than "adjudicate and go." We wanted to make a meaningful difference. So I know a bit about this on the systemic side.

Now - HEAR THIS at no point does anyone (male or female) deserve, earn or otherwise cause or make abuse inevitable. Angry words, insults or a verbal attack on hot button issues are not justification for getting hit. PERIOD.

One caller suggested that "ghetto fabulous" all day angry black women make brothers go there. He then said that a woman who behaves appropriately and in a feminine manner will not get hit. THIS IS NOT TRUE. Abusers and the abused come in all shapes and sizes. I adjudicated in a middle class neighborhood where women were getting hit because he didn't like dinner. There is a whole strata of abused women who are isolated frightened and demorailzed to such an extent that they can't get out, believe they deserve what they get etc. We also know from experience that one of the most dangerous times for a woman is when she tries to leave this kind of abuser - mortality shoots up.

Now I DO know that there is a cultural thing that's going on out there where sisters are angry aggressive confrontational etc. I dealt with them on the bench and they were the most difficult people for me to communicate with. This, I believe is a function of a lot of things. 1) what they saw in the home 2) young unmmaried mothers out there on their own raising children with little education - less money - minimal emotional support and no man. Talk about pressure. That kind of lack of control and constant stuggle makes people frightened and angry. Once those reactions become common place they become a cultural norm even when those conditions don't exist. People model what they see.

These are two separate problems that happen to run into one another. Both of these problems need to be addressed before anyone starts yelling or hitting.
1)We cannot continue to have babies having babies because while they are able to physical get them from 0 - 18 often they don't have the wisdom or support to create a stable environment and well adjusted kids. (Not always - I'm not dissing single moms - there have a tough job and some do miraculous things - what I'm saying that should not be the norm. We shouldn't have to do that. It's hard, there is too much room for error - and it just isn't right.)

2) Likewise DV is just unacceptable. Period. End of story - male or female. NOBODY deserves to have their own home be the scariest place for them to be. For centuries woman have traditionally not been considered the equal of men. In some cases women were considered chattel and for many years knocking around a woman a bit here and there was okay. We can't pretend that wasn't the case or that that problem no longer exists. It does.

We must address these issues separately but simoultaneously.
I became a mother for the first time at 32. It tested my patience even then. I know I would have raised a bunch of lunatics had I had one at 20. Especially if I were alone with no money? Please.

I am not passing judgment. I am telling you what I see and how its affecting us. Both problems are tough to solve but in the mean time in between time we must learn to control what we do by understanding that we do not have to act on how we feel.
We can communicate without cursing,
persuade without punching,
talk without taunting,
discuss without demeaning.
It is all about how we do with what we feel and our willingness to practice using emotional control BEFORE we get into a funky situation.

This is a huge topic I cannot do justice to here. In fact it's three huge topics: Domestic violence, Our Rage Prone Culture, And the disintigration of stable family structures. This blog is just a start. Something to muse over and get the discussion going.

Peace and I do mean Peace.

Stuff

Hello:
1. For all of you who are interested I settled on a Live Chat Date on My Mother's Rules. It is going to happen on:

Wednesday March 11, 2009 at 7:00 p.m. Eastern Time.

Chuck says all you have to do is go to my website www.judgelynn.com at the appointed hour and click on the live chat button. Don't bother looking now, it isn't there yet.

2. Someone asked me how I maintain my emotional composure during the show when people start to cry etc when I am telling them something. My answer is PRACTICE! I have a point to make. I make it. Then I deal with the ramifications of that point once I am through. Without that steady state view of things I won't be able to stay on point. Moreover, it takes a minute to understand what the other person took from what you said. You can't just go by facial espressions. People laugh, cry, grimace - whatever- for very different reasons. You have to ask. You have to examine. Sometimes they didn't understand you at all. Then you have to start over.

3. Your girl made a smoking dinner last night. Everybody came back for seconds! Am I the queen of my castle or what?

4. I'll be doing a segment on NPR's News and Notes TODAY at 1:40 pm EST on Domestic Violence. Listen in.

5. I read this quote the other day and I thought I would share it: "It is a modern day tragedy that despair has so many spokesmen and hope so few." Oscar Hammerstein II.

He talked about being happy. Then he listed all of the reasons he could chose not to be happy. His many failures. All of the people he's known and loved who had died. The international cold war that was going on at the time (1950's) when every one was afraid of a nuclear war that at the time was a real and omnipresent danger. But in so doing he said that would require him to leave out the blessings of good health and the people he loved who are still here and the "sucesses that have sprouted among [his] many failures" and the joy of walking in the sunshine. This is my new PIP.
Which is why I chose to share with you last night's culinary success!

Here's wishing you
Peace and happiness.

Triskaidekaphobia

They have a fancy word for just about anything. Triskaidekaphobia means a fear of the number thirteen. You know what I am talking about. Friday the 13th etc. For years building were built with this fear in mind because the would never have a thirteenth floor. They would go straight from 12 to 14. I don't think they do that so much now a days but it used to be the norm.

Can you believe that though? We actually made decision based on a superstition like that? Fear is the 800 pound gorilla of emotions. It has authored more nonsense than just about anything else in this world (that and greed) Maybe I will do an entire blog on that one day.

But today I am going to admit to having a case of triskaidekaphobia. But I claim I came by it legit. I have a thirteen year old boy in my house. Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE my kids. But this is the 4th time I've done 13 and it always sucks.

I've only done it with boys. I hear girls are worse. Is that true? With my fellas there is a lot of eye rolling, muttering, leave the house, can't find them, won't come home at the appointed hour. Not too many nasty comments - Pops is all over that. But they are just so all-day annoying.

And then there is school. What's up with that? Now they know more than me, their father and the entire educational system. They have announced that their day is filled with learning things they won't ever need to know. Then I hear things like: "It was just a cat nap I don't know why she got all agitated over that."

Food all over the house - fighting to get them into the shower. (some days the boy just runs around down right funky in both attitude and body) And then of course you know that they know EVERY DAMN THING.

I know these are small things but I have a fear that it is the tip of a larger ice burg. I know how much dumb stuff I did that my mom never found out about. This one scares me a little. Found him soaking in a hot tub with another family in his jockey shorts. They go to parties and I told you about those girls.

They say what you don't know won't hurt you. But when it comes to kids, what you don't know can send you to the police station with bail money!

Felt the need to share.

First Set Complete

Hello everybody,

I just returned from taping my first set of new Divorce Court Shows. It was a good week. I was a little nervous because we had some new producers but everybody pulled together and did a great job.

It was nice to be back at work. I laugh a lot when I am there. I also eat other people's food and I don't have to make any beds or clean any sinks. In general, the people (the litigants) have not changed but you would not believe the new nonsense they have come up with. It will be worth the wait. I laughed so hard during one episode I thought they were going to have to stop the show.

You know the staff has this thing they call Lynnisms. They tell me their favorite one of the day after tape week is over. This week's was:

"I am lost in the Land of Logic and I'm out here all alone!!"

You'll have to watch for that one. It was an unbelieveable show!!!!

Hope all is well with you. Here's wishing you:

Peace and Laughter.

Good Morning from LA

Hello all. It's bright and early in LA 6:30 am. Waiting for my 'Glam Squad" to paint preen and put me together.

I am excited to be back to work. Looking to take it to the hoop. Just thought I'd check in and say hello. (my throat's sore - ain't that a trip?) It's all that yelling I have to do at home.

Actually its the little one that requires so much work. He's crewed up and rolling hard. He has three or four different crews. Do you know how hard it is too keep up with that kind of traffic?

Just to give you an idea a while ago he had a couple of chicks coming to the door at 10:30 at night. The boy is 13. First of all who lets their 13 year old daughter roam the streets and roll over to some boys house at 10:30? What's worse is when I asked him about it do you know that boy told me he didn't want me "All up in his business?" I told him that "at 13 you should have no business." Long conversation ensued.

Parenthood - the surest way to sainthood. Everyday I don't lose my mind because of them I consider a downpayment on a trip to heaven.

Again, what cha' gonna' do?

Anyway I am at work now. Gotta roll. And when I say roll I mean ROLL!

Back in the Saddle

Hi everyone,

Going to LA this week to start taping Divorce Court's next season. I am excited to get back to work. I'm a little - no I take that back - I am really nervous about the plane ride. Lot of scary aviation news of late. I'm trying to take a look at the big picture - channel calm and all of that. In my search for calm I re-read my Sully post and that just made it worse. Birds and ice - such a small margin for error - such an improbable thing to do. . . fly. But I am going to handle my business. I'm going to kick some emotional ass and tell my nerves just where to go.

Big talk from a short chick with huge control issues. But hey, what else am I gonna do?

Missed my tennis lesson this morning - That's a huge release for me. Then I made a mess this morning- won't go into that - missed coffee with friends need to apologize. Snippy with Big Man but he took it well.

It's just 10:00 am and I have made three mistakes already. An inauspicious start for the day but I'm not going to let it run me.

Wish me luck on the new season. Trying to get better every year. You guys have a good day. Despite the rocky start to mine I intend to have one as well.

Peace - please

To Whom it May Apply

I get a lot of messages that I can't respond to personally so I'm going to put it out there and if it applies to you go with it:

1. Life is a work in progress - all full a mistakes, missteps and mishaps. I make them all of the time as does everyone else. The thing is if you own up and step up that's all anyone can ask. After that its all good, as long as you do your best not to go back to what got you in trouble in the first place.

2. Sometimes the right thing feels all wrong and the wrong things feels like the best thing in the world. Changing what you do is a one day at a time thing. If you're wound up in something that's not working for you, don't call him - go with him - whatever with him - just for today.

Then reward yourself and take tomorrow tomorrow. But when tomorrow gets here remember what you pulled of yesterday and tell yourself you can do it again. It will be hard at first but it will get easier especially if you get busy with something else.

Take me for instance. I have the mean worry thing going on right now. Any time that goes by in which my mind is not actively and thoroughly engaged I worry.

So I am now studying French. Why French? Cause I used to take it. It makes me concentrate and why not? Have it on my computer and my ipod. If I start to worry I stop and learn. Put my mind to better use.

3. There is one of me and thousands of you . I care what happens to people but do the math . . . I can't give legal advice, give money, call to talk . . . (you know the drill!! )

Peace.

What Was I Thinking?

Just so you know 43 is not old. I entitled my last blog "Old Dudes" and I am appropriately contrite and ashamed.

My 49 year old behind should have known better than that!!!! Its just that the person who asked me to blog used the term "old (then she used another term but I cleaned it up for general publication).

I'll take a duly deserved slap on the hand for this one. My bad!

Old Dudes

Got an email from someone about a young lady (20) dating an older gentleman (43) who has an ex wife in another state who says he has sex with that ex sometimes and she is okay with that. She put it out there for me to blog on the issue of 'May/December - I'm being honest about not doing you right' relationships. So I will.

In my experience people (when they are doing you wrong) will tell you a little piece of it and not the whole thing. Why would they? They pacify with pretense of open and honest. Then they take carte blanche cause you've signed off. And if they take it further they have got the 'hey I told you. . . " thing going for them.

I think 20 is an awfully young age to compromise like that. If I could get 20 back? Are you kidding? You have a good head on your shoulders. (I know because I've seen other stuff you've written.) Use it. He's got 23 years on you. he knows how to work that emotional thing.

I didn't have a boy friend from ages 23 to 27. Had a few dates. But not many. Ain't nothin wrong with being alone.

Ladies, men are not the beginning and end of the story. Don't get me wrong a boyfriend can be a great couple of chapters. When its right they can even be a major theme through out your book. When you get married they become your co author. But I think it is important for both men and women to develope a sense of themselves outside of a relationship. That way its harder to stay in one that's not cool. You have other things going on.

I am not saying when you get a good person it will be peaches and cream. When you get a good one you'll still have to work hard amd make compromises. But if it ain't right in the beginning . . . what's your end game? changing that other person? settling for less than you want? just a little companionship because you are alone?

You have got to know what you want. Put your desire in words. What do you want in a relationship and why? Then ask yourself can I get it from them? and if not will it change? How probable is that? And if you don't anticpate change then ask yourself am I willing to settle?

(And you know when one's not right - your daddy won't like him and you'll send messages about it and you'll discuss the basic meaningful compromises made EARLY in the relationship on line.)

Big E, my co author, and I have an interesting book. It is full of conflict, anger and upset. I have made comrpomises. ( my mom still can't believe a married a man with four kids etc.) He's been unkind. I have been angry. The situation has not always been optimal - but the BASICS - respect, love and commitmment - these themes exists through out.

I can't tell anyone what to do. Hey, who knows? One day he could wake up and say what am I doing? This young lady is great and I should do right by her - I am niether all knowing or a fortune teller.

But I truly believe you have got to know specifically what you want out of a relationship and make a meaningful assessment as to whether this individual can give it to you. If you are on a train that is not going to your intended destination you can't get there and in the mean time, you will miss the other trains who are headed that way.

Expand your mind and your passions interests and abilities. That's when and how you run into the good ones.

Good luck and remember the longer you stay the deeper in love you'll be and the more comrpomises you will make and the harder it will be to walk away from a not so good situation.

Think it through. Think. Think.

My ten cent opinion, given with much love. For what it's worth.

Putting a 100 on 10

I recieved an interesting message today about putting $100 on $10. Bernie Mac used to use that expression a lot and I love it.

The interesting thing is I usually heard it in terms of humor - you know exaggerating a story to make it funny. But this person used it to say her boyfriend making a big deal out of nothing. (don't worry I'm not going to put your business out there)

Anyway I thought she said a great thing. My mother tells me about it all of the time. When someone makes a big deal out of nothing YOU CANNOT RESPOND IN KIND If you get mad you lose. You lose all of your points. You lose your position with respect to your side of the argument and you lose your point with respect to it not being a bifg thing. You let that person tell you how important things are.

The woman who wrote the message was so clear about this. She says she's acting like the problem is nothing because it is. Meeting his anger with cool. That is a brilliant thing.

If you stay cool and address the problem later when neither one of you are mad you cannot only get your point of view across but also let them know 1. that it wasn't a big deal, 2. that you are not going to be dragged into their emotional noise 3. it gives them a heads up on how to behave in the future.

It doesn't work all at once but if you stay the course. . . My mom used to do it with my pops. It took her years and she couldn't stop him (he was bi-polar) but she did learn to manage him better and dial him down a little bit.

Yet again, another 10 cents worth.

Peace

Flying Low and Level

Big Man got off my patch of land today. Good thing too. There was about to be a rumble in the jungle.

This is one way I know I'm all grown up. We talked instead of fighting. I said nothing until I could come correct. Big E responded accordingly. We were so calm it tickled us both.

So that means there are only two people left on my patch of land. I'm thinking I'll let them go cause I too tired to do anything about it. Behaving well takes a lot more energy than acting a fool.

By the way for those of you still interested my guy Chuck figured out the live chat book thing. We are going to do it either one evening during the week of March 9th or on Sunday March 15th during the day.

If you're feeling like going back and forth about My Mother's Rules tell me what you would prefer an evening or the Sunday. Chuck says he'll have it so you don't have to download anything. All you'll have to do is go on my website at the right time and click on the right button.

Personally I think it sounds too easy to be true but I have faith in him. Let me know.

Having Broken the Rules

There is a lot of stuff going on at my house these days. Can't really go into it but let's just say I am doing a lot of reflecting and assessing these days about who I am, the decisions I've made and where I'm headed.

In so doing I am taking stock of all ofthe Rules I learned from my mother that I have broken. For instance, having taken my son to a tutorI now know that I let him break the All Ramifications Rule just as I did when I was young. It's good to be intelligent. I am a quick study as is my son. When I was young it was easy for me to pick up most things so I never learned to think through, study hard, plug it out. It caught up with me at Harvard. It has already caught up with my son.

I had to learn to learn when I was 17. Didn't really have it down until I was 33. Now I am in the process of teaching him. It is a very hard thing to do.. You have to rework the entire way you do business. You have to work harder and longer. You have to question the depth of your understanding. You have to work when you have - in the past - done nothing at all. It is both a hard intellectual and emotional lesson. I should have seen this coming and I am a little annoyed with myself because I didn't.

We both broke the All Ramifications Rule because we said "Wow its great that I (he) is a quick study" without thinking about the negative aspects of that. You don't learn how to study or think if you coast on your ability too long. That is the negative ramification of being a quick study. I knew about it. Suffered from it and I should have saw it in him.

I am not beating myself up about it but I do see it as my problem to correct and I gotta tell you its no fun at all teaching a lazy 16 year old (And I say that about him freely because he knows he's lazy. We've discussed it) how to work and think. Pain in the ass, truth be told, but what are you gonna do?

Another Rule I broke is The Sin Purposefully Rule. I do believe I have plugged up too many of my escape valves. I let one or two pop in NYC. Nothing bad happened (most certainly nothing illegal) but I realized I was wound up tight and didn't feel right.

I am going to roll light this month. I am going to have some fun. I'm still going to do my jobs especially the ones I have with my children. I won't give them the short end of my "Lynn's Taking a Pause for the Cause" moment but everybody else? Back up.

I have got this little patch of emotional land that I claim for myself. It's a small patch of land and it sits way out in left field - so it is my belief if you have stepped on it you did it on puprose.

I give everybody I deal with the benefit of the doubt. If there is a soft pedal, reasonable, 'oops, my bad 'way to get out of a situation I'll take it. But if you walk all the way out to left field where I am standing all by myself - ignore my "Beware of Bitch " sign that is posted in huge red letters right outside - then you hop my "Lynn will do anything not ot get angry or start trouble" fence and land on my property, you deserve whatever you get.

Three people have hopped my fence this week. These are people I know well and love so they knew better. Everybody is getting one warning then

well. . . .

Back from NYC

Hi Everybody,

Got back from NYC late last night. Had a wonderul time. Saw my first Broadway Show - it was somkin' - Chicago - an oldy but a goody.

Met up with my step son. We went out on the town. Got taught a painful lesson about trying to run around at night with someone twenty years my junior. Oh what a hard morning I had.

Met with my publisher re: my new book co authored with Deborah Hutchinson "Put it in Writing" - you'll love it if you've every been burned loaning money loaning your car or had a relative move in and cause all kind of trouble in YOUR castle. We're doing a web site on it. It should be humorous and helpful.

My web guy said he figured out the chat thing. He's going to explain it to me this week and I'll give you the 411 and alternative dates once I understand what's involved.

Hope you guys had a good weekend.

Just So You Know

I'm still going to do the live chat book thing. Chuck is still working out the technical details. I'll give advance notice though and try to pick a good date.

Will be traveling on business in the next few days. Gotta fly and ya'll know I'm not feeling that ! But, hey, what's a girl going to do? If I can't get to a computer while I am gone I'll holler when I get back.

In the mean time in between time,

Peace.

Usually it Has Nothing To Do With You

Hi,

I got a reponse to my last blog that I thought was great in my message box.

(Hey, by the way guys, if you have a good response or thought on one of my blogs consider posting it as a comment so everyone can share it)

Anyway, in essence, this person said that a lot of us lose our cool when we get static thrown our way because we take things personally.

That's another one of my mother's rules. She says that when people get upset with you typically it reflects what going on in their lives not yours.

Most people spend the majority of their time thinking about themsleves. Their day. Their insecurities. Their problems. In fact, they are usually so innudated by their own emotions it's hard for them to see past their own problems to consider what going on with others. And that's just the way it is. Nothing to get mad or judgmental about. We're all human.

Anyway my mom often says the same thing as did the woman who sent me a message which is:

If some one let's anger fly in your direction, take it for what it's worth, which is usually not much (unless YOU'VE been acting a fool, in which case you need to check your program) Otherwise remember what momma says:

"You have no idea what's going on with them, something bad might be going on in their lives and odds are its more about that than you. Even if that's not true why would you let someone else's attitude take over your day? You already have enough problems of your own. Be smart about it."

Peace.

Cockpit Cool

Last night I listened to the voice box tape of the conversation between the pilot that put the A320 plane in the Hudson. (flight USAir 1549, I think) They call him Sully.

It reminded me of something I wrote in my book. I said that my mother always had 'Cockpit cool.' When things got tough she stayed calm. She didn't stand still, get paralyzed with fear or anything like that but she functioned quickly, effeciently and handled things.

Because my father was bi-polar there was a lot of action in my house. But mom knew that her emotions had to run in the exact opposite direction from her husbands. And it was that, and that alone, which allowed me to grow up with any sense of stability.

I did a book signing in which I discussed this. One by one people started telling me about the person in their house who was raising the roof and how much of a secret it was and how they got by. Had a room full of crying women at the end. I am not sure I may have blogged about this already.

Anyway, the point is his voice, the calm he exhibited when he said "we are going into the Hudson" was, I believe in large measure due to 2 things. 1. People who choose to fly thing have a certain barvery about them and 2. They train to be cool under pressure.

I am, by genetic make up, not the first thing. That not withstanding I have been trying to develope the second all of my life. What Sully did in the air my mom did on the ground. What she did wasn't a grand heroic thing like his but oh, how magnificient it was for my sister and I. That's why I wrote the book. An homage to a woman who had cockpit cool right here on terra ferma.

So here is today's point. To the extent we can all work towards that cool we can be our own personal heros, not to 155 people on a plane, but to everybody who relies on us. It doesn't mean bury your emotions or pretend like things don't matter. It doesn't mean shut down your heart or be cold and emotionless.

It means PRACTICE THE CALM. Work it like it is a job.

Can you imagine all of the nonsense that would not occur if we all "Sullied" our attitude a little bit. And trust me people, we have emotional work to do. Road rage, parents having to sign conduct agreements when they put thier kids in a sports league? Have we turned into a country full of 2 year olds?

What if we didn't get insulted or disrepsected all of the time? What if we calmly conferred instead of confronting? What if we thought before we popped? It's not something you can just decide to do. It is something you have to work on.

Why don't we?

I got a little emotional when I heard the tape. Made life in my childhood home come rushing back to me. Made me realize YET AGAIN, the beauty of what my mother did. She doesn't see it that way. She saw it as her job. My understanding is that that pilot felt the same way. He was doing his job.

Do you know what your job is? Sometimes I forget. Got reminded last night. "We're going into the Hudson" he said all calm and cool. I am quite sure I will never be a Sully or a Toni Toler. But I'm working on it. All the people who love me and work with me deserve a better me.

I get so wound up sometimes I can't sleep. The world screams at me on occasion. I hate that. I should learn to take it as it comes, hear the whispers and react, not with a sense of panic (which is usually my first response to anything) but with cockpit cool. (or, if not that ,a weak imitation thereof.)


This is my ten cents worth today. Let's say we put it into the Bank of Effort and turn it into $1.25 worth of better behavior.

Getting a New Number

I am getting a new number because my kids have my old one and they keep dialing it up.

This is a homework thing. (You know, I didn't mind school so much the first time I went through it but these second and thrid visits I'm making with sons V and VI are about to send me straight to the loony bin.)

My children know me well enought to work me. I have these three personality traits which they understand and use to their advantage: 1) I am big on school and life learning. 2) I am impatient - in the extreme. . . . 3) and I can't stand a lot of silly stuff.

Youngest son does the following: He hides the educational ball. To hear him tell it, he NEVER has any homework. Or whatever homework he did have he finished in school. And last but not least, any and all work, no matter its amount or nature, is due NEXT TUESDAY.

His excuses, notwithstanding, the boy isn't failing because he has no 4th ammendment rights. He is subject to search and seizure the minute he walks in the door. I do everything short of make him drop the book bag, put his hands on the wall and spread 'em. I search his stuff. I search him. I am on line with his teachers. I know what his assignments are before he does.

The problem is once I get the info I want to kick educational behind. He just wants to shut me up. So here's the brilliant move on his part. He gets started and then comes to me with: "I don't understand" "What does that mean?" " I didn't see that" or "Well what are you supposed to do?"

I get him started. He then says things like; "Now what?" "I thought I was done?" or "Well what else is there?"

Next thing you know I'm saying "Can't you see that . . . " Then I do a problem and say "Do the next one like that." He stares blankly into space. He writes down something dumb. I say "Didn't I just show you. . . ?" "Look this is what you need to do . . "
Next thing you know, I'm angry and he's walking away with his homework all done. He has neither lifted a finger nor activated a single brain cell.

My older son has my number as well but he uses a different phone line. He comes to me with his work. Tells me how overwhelmed he is and how important it is for him to do well. He says things like "I don't know where to get started with this" I give him an idea. He syays "That's good." Then writes it down. Afterwards he says: "What do you think we should do next?" (you do see the importance of the pronoun he used don't you?) I say "OOOOHHHH you know what would be cool. . . " Do I need to tell you how this story ends?

Here's the lesson. I KNOW better than to do this but my children read my emotional state and use it against me. Emotions, I am telling you, they are the key.

But that's okay. I'm done now. I'm getting them a tutor (I tried having my husband take over but I began to feared for the boys' saftey.) I am going to pay somebody to do what I can't. I am cheap but I know what money is for. I don't get my nails done. I perm my own hair. I buy most of my clothes at Target. (and I'm not pleading poor. How dumb would that be? You know what I do for a living.)

I may not be a good teacher but I know where my money is supposed to go.

So like I said, they got my number but I'm shutting that switchboard down.

If this is a war of attrittion. I plan to be the last man standing.

Still Learning

If you've looked on my page you will see I added a song. I meant to add a whole playlist but I can't figure out how to get them on my page. Still can't figure out how that one song got there. Any suggestions?

I Pracrice what I preach

I got a message today from someone who took my comment regarding unsolicited reactions to my show as negative. That is not at all the case.

In fact, I saw it as a sign the show was good and struck a nerve. I usually ask what people think about shows just to get feedback. I thought the unsolicited nature of the reponses was a good thing because it meant people were interested enough to write me. In my blog I was just elaborating on the theme I discussed on the show.
You know, if I did a show and got 100 unsolicited remarks I would be ecstatic no matter what they said! It's all about the public being interested in what I was talking about.

I guess, in part, its my bad. I usually spend more time making sure I'm not misinterpreted but I was rushing this morning and didn't have the chance to ruminate over how folks will take things.

Remember, I am who I say I am. I own my opinions outright and am not bothered by commentary unsolicited or otherwise. That's why I blog. I like to know what people think of what I think.
Of course I'm not looking for anyone to make nasty cracks about my mother or anything like that. I believe all debate should be civil. But it doesn't all have to agree. Who knows? I could be wrong. I don't know about you but, absent some form of age-related dementia, I intend to learn until the day I die.

(just for the record I still can't figure out what this person said in her message to me that she thought I wouldn't like or disagreed with)

No need to try to read into what I say. I say what I mean. If I disagree with something I don't beat around the bush nor do I get angry. What would this world be like if we all thought the same thing?

Take me at my word. And don't be too sensitive. I'm not.

Let's take it light and happy.

It's just a blog: a.k.a. a 10 cent opinion.

Shows

You know, I usually don't get a lot of unsolicited comments on shows but I got a number messages about yesterday's show and the definition of manhood.

I have a certain old schoolness about me. I am old school and hard core when it comes to responsiblity. Hence my next comment. What scares me most about America's attitude today is its "It's not my fault, I should be happy all of the time and I ought to have certain things."

My mother often bemoaned my sister and I's lack of "strong ghetto constitution" "you don't know what tough is" she used to tell us and she's right. If you cannot change your circumstances - which you can't if you keep doing the same wrong thing everyday - That's another one of my mother's favorite bitches - "people can't change"

She also used to say "If you are waiting for someone to come rescue you get comfortable. They are not coming."

There are things you can't do anything about like losing your job in bad economic times. That's a body blow. (But it need not be a fatal one. The guy that killed himself his wife and his kids the day he lost his job rattles me to the core.)

But this blog is not about money or bad economic times. Its about decisions to take responsibility. Not only the men (as I spoke about in the show) but women too. When you have children you lose all manner of rights. You do not have the right to do as you please. You do not have the right to put yourslf first (most of the time -( everyonce in a while you have to pull a 'mommy's off the clock move' for your own sanity) You lose the right to walk away. You lose the right to 'wait and see what happens."

Ladies, we lose the right to go on some ill thought out romantic adventure. The kids come first.

Life is hard. Obama is smart but he ain't magic. Its still all about what WE decide to do.

I Can't Lose

I am really not very interested in football but in the name of marital harmony I watch the Super Bowl with Big E.

Usually I root for whoever he roots for, after all he is my husband and he actually cares who wins. And as odd as it seems I really get into it. I even feel bad if his team doesn't do well and get all excited if they win, like last year. I don't remember who played but I do remember they pulled it out at the last minute and I lost my voice screaming.

But this year it doesn't matter who wins. I am a long term fan of the Steelers. I think it has something to do with me starting to like boys around the same time Franco Harris was playing. He was so FINE. ( My very first BIG crush looked just like him)

Of course, during my quarter of a century in Cleveland I had to supress that and embrace the Browns, which I did very well. I learned to like 'em even when that was tough to do. Couldn't love my husband without loving them.

But now I live in Phoenix. I like the Cards now because:
1. I live here and that makes them my team and
2. everyone gave them such grief for so long (I'm a big fan of the underdog.)

So the beauty of this Super Bowl is no matter what happens it's all good. Even if my new home team (The Cards) fall I still have my leftover purely emotional and probably somewhat psycho-sexual admiration for the Steelers to fall back on.

So I am going to spend the afternoon with Big Man, and watch a game I can't lose.

It's a good day.