Can't out law In-Laws Part II

You know, I am a true believe in looking at things from multiple perspectives and I realized that I only gave one on my in-law blog. I've never been a mother in law so I'm not speaking from the depth of experience that I usually do so keep that in mind.

But here's a view from that stand point, a perspective I gained from the way my mother handled my marriage.

My parents did not want me to marry my husband for a number of valid reasons: namely he had four teenaged children, an ex-wife and all the anger money etc. problems that causes.

They tried hard to change my mind but could not. The day after I got married they stopped dogging him and got on board. You see the one thing they wanted more than anything else was for me to be happy. I decided to give it a try with him so they helped us. My mom even told him "I know you know we didn't want Lynn to marry you but it wasn't about you. We know if she loves you you have got to be a good guy. We were worried about your circumstances. We wanted things to be easier for her. We just want her to be happy" Then they let it go. They helped when we needed it and never said I told you so.

What I learned from that is if you are a mother/father in-law and the married kids problems are small don't dip in. You lived your life let them live theirs. Tell them what you know and how you think they should proceed but don't pick at people. That makes them resistent to everything you say.

Of course, if your child has married someone is beating them up then that's not the way to go. But even in that circumstance hooping and hollering usually does not help. It makes the daughter defensive. Guide. . . suggest. . . help . . put them in contact with others who they would believe. Get in touch with an abuse agency and ask them how to best assist her. Try to get them out but remember yelling at either party more often than not pushes them together.

If your kid marries someone you simply don't like but nothing dangerous is going on state your case calmly. Make small suggestions in an effort to assist. Don't dog the guy or gal they married out. Help him/her deal with problems they are having. Make sure they know they can always come home and you won't say I told you so.

It's hard to watch your kid struggle especially when you can see the trouble coming. But once they are married make sure you are helping your kid and not simply unloading your anger.

The problem here - as with just about anything else - is unleashed anger and unbridled emotion. Think. Be practical and tactical. Choose your battles. And when it doubt - stay out. If you are commenting on every little purchase, meal and money issue they will never listen to you. But if you speak up only occasionally and do so rationally they will be more likely to see you as assisting and not just bitching.

Now, as I said, I am not as sure about this advice as I am the other. Never been a mother in law but I watched my parents and I think they did ot well.

For what it's worth.