Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. I did. Lots or relatives came. I warmed up the pre-packed food just like it said on the instructions and it was actually pretty good.
Family couldn't mind too much because they keep coming back every year. They stay for a while too. Five days or so. But I like everybody so its cool. That having been said I would be lying if I didn't say I sure do enjoy getting my house back when its done. Ain't nothin a loner likes more than being alone after they have been 'emersed in the populace' for a while.
Currently I am home by myself. Hubby took oldest son and his brother (now visiting from Cleveland) to a jazz brunch. I am home watching an old black and white movie with a bag of Double Stuff Oreo Cookies in my lap. Little guy is at a buddy's house. Needless to say I am in hog heaven. (and if I don't cut it out with these cookies I'm going to look like a hog as well!!)
But I believe in the occasional indulgence in an effort to balance out a usually well regualted life. Scheduled controlled bursts of ridiculous are not only gratifying but they work like an esacpe valve. I have another 2 hours or so to revel in my own begnign bad habits and I'll be all ready to return to order when they get back.. . . .
Maybe.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Be Careful What You Wish For
Hello,
You know I read a lot and I read about everything, especially relationships marriage etc. I also like to read studies and articles from 'noted specialists or experts' that are 20 or 30 years old and who are predicting new trends. I like to see how well they did. (usually they don't do so well) - my non-PhD having mother's track is waaaaaaaaaay better. Anyway I had to eat some crow on a study I thought was dumb yesterday.
When the women's movement was in it's hey day some guy wrote that as far as equality with respect to housework and taking care of the kids would run into this one unanticipated roadblock - women will not like losing control knowledge and methods on the home front. In other words we won't like it when the hubby takes over too much with that stuff because we feel we need to do that. I thought that was silly and swore that if I ever got my husband to a place where he would be primarily responsible for the kids I would love it.
Well, since we've moved my husband has been home and I am the one out working and don't you know this week I realized he was running the kiddy show. he knew where everyone was supposed to be what they needed and everything. I had to be reminded of what was going on on this day and what the kids needed. And I had MOMENT.
I felt a little guilty. I felt a little envious. I realized that I took pride in being the one who knew what to do and had it all together. Now its him. I felt a little like I got demoted.
Of course, I didn't say that. I may have been surprised but I'm no fool. I always let my first emotional reaction pass me by. I am going to work to get over feeling that way. Bucking long held social roles is not easy but I'm going to make this work. I can't piss and moan now that my husband is the one they rely on after complaining about the mommy 24/7 thing like I used to do. Not only that I gave the man his props. I told him how good ot felt to have him on top of things.
Word to the wise. Ladies, don't stand in the way of your own progress. Don't be controlling. They may not do it your way but they can get it done and sometimes they are better than you at it. You can't have it both ways.
Live and learn.
You know I read a lot and I read about everything, especially relationships marriage etc. I also like to read studies and articles from 'noted specialists or experts' that are 20 or 30 years old and who are predicting new trends. I like to see how well they did. (usually they don't do so well) - my non-PhD having mother's track is waaaaaaaaaay better. Anyway I had to eat some crow on a study I thought was dumb yesterday.
When the women's movement was in it's hey day some guy wrote that as far as equality with respect to housework and taking care of the kids would run into this one unanticipated roadblock - women will not like losing control knowledge and methods on the home front. In other words we won't like it when the hubby takes over too much with that stuff because we feel we need to do that. I thought that was silly and swore that if I ever got my husband to a place where he would be primarily responsible for the kids I would love it.
Well, since we've moved my husband has been home and I am the one out working and don't you know this week I realized he was running the kiddy show. he knew where everyone was supposed to be what they needed and everything. I had to be reminded of what was going on on this day and what the kids needed. And I had MOMENT.
I felt a little guilty. I felt a little envious. I realized that I took pride in being the one who knew what to do and had it all together. Now its him. I felt a little like I got demoted.
Of course, I didn't say that. I may have been surprised but I'm no fool. I always let my first emotional reaction pass me by. I am going to work to get over feeling that way. Bucking long held social roles is not easy but I'm going to make this work. I can't piss and moan now that my husband is the one they rely on after complaining about the mommy 24/7 thing like I used to do. Not only that I gave the man his props. I told him how good ot felt to have him on top of things.
Word to the wise. Ladies, don't stand in the way of your own progress. Don't be controlling. They may not do it your way but they can get it done and sometimes they are better than you at it. You can't have it both ways.
Live and learn.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Step Parenthood
Since my show the other day when I spoke about my step children I have gotten questions about how to be a successful step parent. Here's my 5 cents worth on that (You will note I usually say my 10 cents worth but here I only have 5)
Yes, I did the step parent thing and no I don't think I did it well. I wasn't horrible but I just wasn't completely engaged. When I was 29 I married my husband. He had 4 boys ages 9, 11, 14 and 16. Here's what I figured out during my process and from talking to a lot of families with that situation since then:
1. The key to discipline is the natural parent. If you are the step parent you need to sit your spouse down and talk about it. Tell them that you need them to do the discipline because from you it won't work - at least not in the beginning. Tell them you understand they feel badly for their kids because they have gone through a divorce and remarriage. while they have to be senitive and caring and listen to them but there must be clear lines.
2. Natural parent has to talk to the kids about you. They need to hear the kids out and validate how they feel but they have to make sure they tell them what they won't tolerate. That's what my husband did so well. He got us all together at a table and said. "She not you're mother but she is my wife. If you have any questions or issues we can talk about it." And then we went around the table and asked them how they felt what they had questions about etc. We got the ground rules down up front. (personally I sat there like an idiot - dear caught in the headlights - I had no idea what I was getting into.)
3. Here's something I wish I would have done but didn't: I wish I would have talked to them all early on, one on one, about how they feel and find some common ground. I should have planned something together for each of us to do that they enjoyed and thrown in a conversation: "I know its tough to have a new mom but, hey, I want this thing to work. Talk to me when you need to . . . "
4. Natural parent needs to back up step parent without hesitation about discipline in front of the kids. Now if natural parent thinks step has gone too far or done something inapproprate talk to them about it later. And before you do ask youself did I leave the discipline to the step when I shouldn't have done it?
5. Step parents: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. It's not about you its about teenagers and hormones and a jacked up situation and new person they don't know telling them what to do.
This is all I have on this one. I have to tell you I lucked out. My step sons where not angels but they didn't mess with their pops and he had my back. They were good kids, raised well and old enough to have a better emotional handle on things. I was a non-cooking, clueless wonder who meant well but had NO tools.
So the lesson there is you can screw up a bit and still fix things. Nothing is hopeless if you work the edges and switch up your approach if the one you are using isn't working. And talk to everybody. And keep talking. Walk away from the arguments. People can't hear you when they are angry. Step up and be the one to stand down. Come back to it when you are calm.
I wish all of you blended families well. It ain't easy and I do feel your pain. But if you work at it even if you don't do all of the right things the back end is beautiful. I am wild about them now. I have 6 (soon to be 7) grandbabies and I'm still young enough to run around with them. I have a whole set of young men to talk to my boys about things that they don't want to hear from me or their father. And here's what made my heart swell most recently. When my husband was sick and VERY CRANKY and not so nice to me, they stood up for me with him. How cool is that?
Good luck.
Yes, I did the step parent thing and no I don't think I did it well. I wasn't horrible but I just wasn't completely engaged. When I was 29 I married my husband. He had 4 boys ages 9, 11, 14 and 16. Here's what I figured out during my process and from talking to a lot of families with that situation since then:
1. The key to discipline is the natural parent. If you are the step parent you need to sit your spouse down and talk about it. Tell them that you need them to do the discipline because from you it won't work - at least not in the beginning. Tell them you understand they feel badly for their kids because they have gone through a divorce and remarriage. while they have to be senitive and caring and listen to them but there must be clear lines.
2. Natural parent has to talk to the kids about you. They need to hear the kids out and validate how they feel but they have to make sure they tell them what they won't tolerate. That's what my husband did so well. He got us all together at a table and said. "She not you're mother but she is my wife. If you have any questions or issues we can talk about it." And then we went around the table and asked them how they felt what they had questions about etc. We got the ground rules down up front. (personally I sat there like an idiot - dear caught in the headlights - I had no idea what I was getting into.)
3. Here's something I wish I would have done but didn't: I wish I would have talked to them all early on, one on one, about how they feel and find some common ground. I should have planned something together for each of us to do that they enjoyed and thrown in a conversation: "I know its tough to have a new mom but, hey, I want this thing to work. Talk to me when you need to . . . "
4. Natural parent needs to back up step parent without hesitation about discipline in front of the kids. Now if natural parent thinks step has gone too far or done something inapproprate talk to them about it later. And before you do ask youself did I leave the discipline to the step when I shouldn't have done it?
5. Step parents: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. It's not about you its about teenagers and hormones and a jacked up situation and new person they don't know telling them what to do.
This is all I have on this one. I have to tell you I lucked out. My step sons where not angels but they didn't mess with their pops and he had my back. They were good kids, raised well and old enough to have a better emotional handle on things. I was a non-cooking, clueless wonder who meant well but had NO tools.
So the lesson there is you can screw up a bit and still fix things. Nothing is hopeless if you work the edges and switch up your approach if the one you are using isn't working. And talk to everybody. And keep talking. Walk away from the arguments. People can't hear you when they are angry. Step up and be the one to stand down. Come back to it when you are calm.
I wish all of you blended families well. It ain't easy and I do feel your pain. But if you work at it even if you don't do all of the right things the back end is beautiful. I am wild about them now. I have 6 (soon to be 7) grandbabies and I'm still young enough to run around with them. I have a whole set of young men to talk to my boys about things that they don't want to hear from me or their father. And here's what made my heart swell most recently. When my husband was sick and VERY CRANKY and not so nice to me, they stood up for me with him. How cool is that?
Good luck.
Friday, November 21, 2008
How I feel About My Money
Hello everyone,
Given the current economic concerns I have gotten a lot of questions about money and marriage. Finances are often sited as one of the biggest causes of marriage difficulty. Whether it truly is or not I am not sure (I think it is often a symptom of other problems and I also think people are just more willing to site that as a cause as opposed to other more embarrassing realities) Be that as it may money is a huge problem for a lot of couples. And not just when there isn't enough of it. Sometimes the problems arise because of who is making it or simply on how you spend it.
I have a lot of advice on money and marraige but I don't think any of it will help until people do this one certain thing: Understand what money means to them.
Everyone has an emotional relationship to moeny. For some peole money is about security. That's my financial type. Adequate money means saftey to me, that's why I'd rather see the money in the bank than on my back or in what I drive. I have in the past been known to carry this to an extreme hence my reputation for being cheap. I'm better these days but, hey, it is what it is.
To others however money is a means by which to keep score. My pops was that way. He was a black man born in 1919. he was born in an impoverished family in the hills of West Virginia and grew to be only 5'2" tall. He made money to 1. support his family - he was big on us having what he never got, he saw his value in his ability to support - but it was also to keep score. It was a way to rate on a scale that the world measures. Daddy was like:"You can tell me I'm nothing but you can't stop me from being something. I can do what you can't do despite what you think"
For other people money is about power and control either within a relationship or out in the world. If you want to be in charge having moeny is a good way to get there.
For others its about feeding a need to feel better about yourself by conspicuous consumption. You know what I mean, You have to spend everything I what you wear or drive because that is how you feel better about yourself. People who do that often have debt issues.
There are other different financial emotional styles but you get the picture.
Anyway, the reason I am going through all of this is that people need to understand how THEY feel about money, why they want it and what they want it for before they sit down and talk to their spouse about it. Their spouse may feel differently and you have to both know what the other one feels about it before you can respolve any financial issues. What is comforting for one may be frightening as all get out for the other.
My husband and I have been going back and forth on this for years. We have very different financial styles and it often causes conflict. In order to keep from killing one another every once in a while we have to address how the other person feels about money in order to decide what we are going to do with the money we have. Then we compromise based on that.
People never talk about how they feel about money and what they want it for. I don't think most people understand how they feel about it no less their spouse.
So I gotta ask. Do you know how you feel about money? If not, you should take some time to figure it out. If money gets tight you are going to have to make some decisions and what you and your better half comrpomise on or feel okay with will depened upon how well you two understand how you feel about money.
I'll be back later with another blog about The Money Conversation and The Money Compromise. Its stuff I've learned over the years from divorce court and my own marriage. Just suggestion ,ideas and a bit of economic consciousness raising. I am big on thinking your way through how you feel.
You know, no one who knows me well ever though I would be married as long as I have!!!! I took a test once with a marriage counselor. If you scored a ten you were highly compatible - not with this particular spouse - but with the institution of marriage itself. 10's knew how to compromise and do all those things that make marriages work. I got a 1.7. The message? I should be living alone in a cave with a dog.
Now look at me. Who'd have perdicted this?
Given the current economic concerns I have gotten a lot of questions about money and marriage. Finances are often sited as one of the biggest causes of marriage difficulty. Whether it truly is or not I am not sure (I think it is often a symptom of other problems and I also think people are just more willing to site that as a cause as opposed to other more embarrassing realities) Be that as it may money is a huge problem for a lot of couples. And not just when there isn't enough of it. Sometimes the problems arise because of who is making it or simply on how you spend it.
I have a lot of advice on money and marraige but I don't think any of it will help until people do this one certain thing: Understand what money means to them.
Everyone has an emotional relationship to moeny. For some peole money is about security. That's my financial type. Adequate money means saftey to me, that's why I'd rather see the money in the bank than on my back or in what I drive. I have in the past been known to carry this to an extreme hence my reputation for being cheap. I'm better these days but, hey, it is what it is.
To others however money is a means by which to keep score. My pops was that way. He was a black man born in 1919. he was born in an impoverished family in the hills of West Virginia and grew to be only 5'2" tall. He made money to 1. support his family - he was big on us having what he never got, he saw his value in his ability to support - but it was also to keep score. It was a way to rate on a scale that the world measures. Daddy was like:"You can tell me I'm nothing but you can't stop me from being something. I can do what you can't do despite what you think"
For other people money is about power and control either within a relationship or out in the world. If you want to be in charge having moeny is a good way to get there.
For others its about feeding a need to feel better about yourself by conspicuous consumption. You know what I mean, You have to spend everything I what you wear or drive because that is how you feel better about yourself. People who do that often have debt issues.
There are other different financial emotional styles but you get the picture.
Anyway, the reason I am going through all of this is that people need to understand how THEY feel about money, why they want it and what they want it for before they sit down and talk to their spouse about it. Their spouse may feel differently and you have to both know what the other one feels about it before you can respolve any financial issues. What is comforting for one may be frightening as all get out for the other.
My husband and I have been going back and forth on this for years. We have very different financial styles and it often causes conflict. In order to keep from killing one another every once in a while we have to address how the other person feels about money in order to decide what we are going to do with the money we have. Then we compromise based on that.
People never talk about how they feel about money and what they want it for. I don't think most people understand how they feel about it no less their spouse.
So I gotta ask. Do you know how you feel about money? If not, you should take some time to figure it out. If money gets tight you are going to have to make some decisions and what you and your better half comrpomise on or feel okay with will depened upon how well you two understand how you feel about money.
I'll be back later with another blog about The Money Conversation and The Money Compromise. Its stuff I've learned over the years from divorce court and my own marriage. Just suggestion ,ideas and a bit of economic consciousness raising. I am big on thinking your way through how you feel.
You know, no one who knows me well ever though I would be married as long as I have!!!! I took a test once with a marriage counselor. If you scored a ten you were highly compatible - not with this particular spouse - but with the institution of marriage itself. 10's knew how to compromise and do all those things that make marriages work. I got a 1.7. The message? I should be living alone in a cave with a dog.
Now look at me. Who'd have perdicted this?
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Of Driver’s Licenses and Colleges
You know, I believed my mother when she told me about it - how you truly don't understand the way it feels to bring children into this world so in the end you can let them go. This week I went to find a driving school for my oldest. He also began getting letters from colleges. I looked at him and wanted to cry. I remember what I was wearing the day I brought him home from the hospital. I remember how exhausted I was the following 5 months because old boy only slept 1 1/2 at a time. I thought to myself Lord, If I can just get through this!"
Of course, that was silly. I am still saying the same thing. This driving business has really thrown me for a loop. Control freaks like myself don't do well with this kind of thing. But like mom said kids are a lot of work. It never goes away or gets better it just changes. I looked at my oldest yesterday and damn near broke into tears. Where did my baby go? . . .
Then the youngest came home all dirty, loud and hungry wanting this that and the other thing and I thought to myself - I can't wait to get these people out of here.
Usually my blogs have a point I can identify but I am not sure what my point is here. Just sharing I guess.
Of course, that was silly. I am still saying the same thing. This driving business has really thrown me for a loop. Control freaks like myself don't do well with this kind of thing. But like mom said kids are a lot of work. It never goes away or gets better it just changes. I looked at my oldest yesterday and damn near broke into tears. Where did my baby go? . . .
Then the youngest came home all dirty, loud and hungry wanting this that and the other thing and I thought to myself - I can't wait to get these people out of here.
Usually my blogs have a point I can identify but I am not sure what my point is here. Just sharing I guess.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Before the Vows
So if you have been wacthing the show this week you know it is the Before the Vows week. I'd like to know what you think. I like doing the show but don't know how everyone else feels. Do you find it interesting or would you rather me stick with the tried and true?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Stuff
Hello everybody,
1. It's been a busy week. Have been traveling but since I said I would, I was working on what I promised in a previous blog: A tribute to Black Men (as you will recall I already delivered on my Testosterone What it Is and Why I like It) As I was working on it I realized I had already done one. You might not guess it at first but it's all there and it's the most fitting tribute I can think of. It is on my web site www.judgelynn.com It's an article called Time and Place. It talks about what my father and his friends did back in the forties. Read that. I think what they did in the envirnoment they did it is is so powerful. It authored my success, my everyday ease. Brothers taking care of business in a big way. They are everywhere but you never hear about it. It doesn't make the news. As a young girl my life was so filled with them that that was all I knew. I am thankful for that.
2. While you are on the site you should also check out the 'about me' section. I have added video tape of my family. So if you want to see me in all my domestic disfunction its there!
3. FYI I'll be on Trivial Pursuit. Its a daytime syndicated game show twice next week. It is hosted by Christopher Knight (Peter form the Brady bunch) It's TV Judge week I'm on Tuesday November 18th and Friday November 21st. Since its syndicated you'll have to check you local listings.
4. Working on a lot of stuff. 13 year old is acting up. Dealing with the teachers and his punishment (I swear grounding a kid is harder on the parents than it is the kid - they mope and ask and get on my nerves something awful - but I am sticking to my guns) Trying to finish a book. Husband is cranky trying to fix that. Working on some new TV stuff - heading into uncharted waters. (cross your fingers for me on that) .16 year old looking to get driver's liscence. You should see me trying to teach him. I am nervous by nature. And so is he. Getting ready for Thanksgiving. Having 6 folks from out of town coming to stay that means 10 for dinner. They are family and they know me so I am sure they don't expect much.
If you don't hear from me until then have a wonderful Thanksgiving. And take a few moments to really use it for what it is intended. I plan to. I am going to sit down and soak in all the wonderful things I have - healthy family, great neighbors, all the people that love me. You do the same. even if your life is not going the way you'd like find something. It will make you feel better. It is so easy to forget what's going well if you are fighting to keep your head above water. I know that. But give yourself a break and a pat on the back for what you've accomplished even if its nothing more than the fact that you're still up and swinging. Sometimes that in and of itself is the biggest victory.
Love ya'll.
1. It's been a busy week. Have been traveling but since I said I would, I was working on what I promised in a previous blog: A tribute to Black Men (as you will recall I already delivered on my Testosterone What it Is and Why I like It) As I was working on it I realized I had already done one. You might not guess it at first but it's all there and it's the most fitting tribute I can think of. It is on my web site www.judgelynn.com It's an article called Time and Place. It talks about what my father and his friends did back in the forties. Read that. I think what they did in the envirnoment they did it is is so powerful. It authored my success, my everyday ease. Brothers taking care of business in a big way. They are everywhere but you never hear about it. It doesn't make the news. As a young girl my life was so filled with them that that was all I knew. I am thankful for that.
2. While you are on the site you should also check out the 'about me' section. I have added video tape of my family. So if you want to see me in all my domestic disfunction its there!
3. FYI I'll be on Trivial Pursuit. Its a daytime syndicated game show twice next week. It is hosted by Christopher Knight (Peter form the Brady bunch) It's TV Judge week I'm on Tuesday November 18th and Friday November 21st. Since its syndicated you'll have to check you local listings.
4. Working on a lot of stuff. 13 year old is acting up. Dealing with the teachers and his punishment (I swear grounding a kid is harder on the parents than it is the kid - they mope and ask and get on my nerves something awful - but I am sticking to my guns) Trying to finish a book. Husband is cranky trying to fix that. Working on some new TV stuff - heading into uncharted waters. (cross your fingers for me on that) .16 year old looking to get driver's liscence. You should see me trying to teach him. I am nervous by nature. And so is he. Getting ready for Thanksgiving. Having 6 folks from out of town coming to stay that means 10 for dinner. They are family and they know me so I am sure they don't expect much.
If you don't hear from me until then have a wonderful Thanksgiving. And take a few moments to really use it for what it is intended. I plan to. I am going to sit down and soak in all the wonderful things I have - healthy family, great neighbors, all the people that love me. You do the same. even if your life is not going the way you'd like find something. It will make you feel better. It is so easy to forget what's going well if you are fighting to keep your head above water. I know that. But give yourself a break and a pat on the back for what you've accomplished even if its nothing more than the fact that you're still up and swinging. Sometimes that in and of itself is the biggest victory.
Love ya'll.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Testosterone - What it is and Why I like it
As promised.
Of course we all know that testosterone is a hormone. Both men and women have it but men have more and in the womb its part of what makes the baby develope male sexual characteristics. Now of course I'm not talking about that today when I say 'Testosterone - What it is and why I like it.' I only said that to say there is a biological basis for our differences.
Anyway, more often than not, people come on 'Divorce Court' because the woman in the relationship has had her heart broken and wants to be heard. I think men have their hearts broken just as much but because of our societal 'men can't show emotion' bias they aren't as comfortable saying "Love has made a fool of me" on national TV as women are. So I don't get to say all the good stuff about men as often as I would like. (and frankly sometimes when I do it gets edited out because its not as exciting as when I fuss at people) So this is my opportunity to do so:
FAIR WARNING: I get that what I am saying here are generalizations. All men and women are individuals with their own special character but in general men and women do think and feel differently on a lot of levels. The things is you can't say one is better than another - just different and each side has some negative and positive aspects to the way they are. That having been said:
1. The male ego, though often bashed for it's unpleasant ramifications, pushes men to do. This supercgarged desire for more has authored a great deal of good in terms of progress that has made our lives so much easier.
It is also what makes my husband willing, with great ease, to suffer harm for me. Its what makes my sons defend me. If a man has pulled you to him and loves you their egos defend you against all comers, as well, because any swipe at you swipes at them as well.
2. I like the way men seem to get over things easily. They don't ruminate over who said what and how they said it and all of that. I can really give my sons what for and they take it move on. They don't keep going over it. I'll still be upset and want to talk about it later. All they want is dinner. Once I feed them all is well. My husband is the same way. I can't tell you how many times he's looked at me with utter surprise and said, 'I thought this fight was over"
3. I like the way they look and feel. (I am not going to elaborate on this one. I think it speaks for itself)
4. I like their immediacy and occasional bravado. My husband often makes me go out and have a good time. My dad was the same way. I think men have a great sense of abandon and are less likely to worry about things.
5. I like the way they look and feel. (Did I mention that already?)
6. I also think men in American culture need to be applauded for the manner in which they have responded to women demanding equality. Power is not an easy thing for anyone to relinquish and while their is still sexism, I think every generation has been more and more willing to accept that equality. It's not like that everywhere. Men here are sometimes being asked to be sensitive and strong at the same time and don't quite have a clear indication what we're looking for and their role. But they are working on it. I see it all over. That's huge.
I have a husband and six sons and I am crazy about all of them. The house feels different when they are all here with me. There is an energy about them that I love.
For what it's worth.
Of course we all know that testosterone is a hormone. Both men and women have it but men have more and in the womb its part of what makes the baby develope male sexual characteristics. Now of course I'm not talking about that today when I say 'Testosterone - What it is and why I like it.' I only said that to say there is a biological basis for our differences.
Anyway, more often than not, people come on 'Divorce Court' because the woman in the relationship has had her heart broken and wants to be heard. I think men have their hearts broken just as much but because of our societal 'men can't show emotion' bias they aren't as comfortable saying "Love has made a fool of me" on national TV as women are. So I don't get to say all the good stuff about men as often as I would like. (and frankly sometimes when I do it gets edited out because its not as exciting as when I fuss at people) So this is my opportunity to do so:
FAIR WARNING: I get that what I am saying here are generalizations. All men and women are individuals with their own special character but in general men and women do think and feel differently on a lot of levels. The things is you can't say one is better than another - just different and each side has some negative and positive aspects to the way they are. That having been said:
1. The male ego, though often bashed for it's unpleasant ramifications, pushes men to do. This supercgarged desire for more has authored a great deal of good in terms of progress that has made our lives so much easier.
It is also what makes my husband willing, with great ease, to suffer harm for me. Its what makes my sons defend me. If a man has pulled you to him and loves you their egos defend you against all comers, as well, because any swipe at you swipes at them as well.
2. I like the way men seem to get over things easily. They don't ruminate over who said what and how they said it and all of that. I can really give my sons what for and they take it move on. They don't keep going over it. I'll still be upset and want to talk about it later. All they want is dinner. Once I feed them all is well. My husband is the same way. I can't tell you how many times he's looked at me with utter surprise and said, 'I thought this fight was over"
3. I like the way they look and feel. (I am not going to elaborate on this one. I think it speaks for itself)
4. I like their immediacy and occasional bravado. My husband often makes me go out and have a good time. My dad was the same way. I think men have a great sense of abandon and are less likely to worry about things.
5. I like the way they look and feel. (Did I mention that already?)
6. I also think men in American culture need to be applauded for the manner in which they have responded to women demanding equality. Power is not an easy thing for anyone to relinquish and while their is still sexism, I think every generation has been more and more willing to accept that equality. It's not like that everywhere. Men here are sometimes being asked to be sensitive and strong at the same time and don't quite have a clear indication what we're looking for and their role. But they are working on it. I see it all over. That's huge.
I have a husband and six sons and I am crazy about all of them. The house feels different when they are all here with me. There is an energy about them that I love.
For what it's worth.
What Other people Think
I got a question today that reminded me of something a lot of people ask me and it is about listening to what other people think about the relationship you are in. You know, you can't pay attention to every ten cent opinion that you get. That doesn't mean you should ignore people either. What you have to do is put it in perspective.
Who is this person?
Are they older? Do they have more experience?
Do they really love me? What shape is their personal life in?
You get the picture?
And for the young lady who said that everyone says that any relationship with a returning military man is doomed: Here's my ten cents worth.
I don't know anything about that. It may very well be hard. Many people have faced this problem and they can't have all been unsuccessful. So first believe that it can be done.
But expect that it might be hard and talk about it before anything goes wrong. And when i say talk about it I mean to HIM. You can ask others who have re-meshed after deployment successfully to see if they have anything to offer. But you have to believe they you are in control of the manner in which you two reconnect. Talk about the problems that are bound to pop up BEFORE they do. Be respectful of how he has changed and ask him to do the same. Get help if you need it sooner rather than later. Remember sometimes men have trouble talking about things so give him time. You can put an issue out there and say let's talk about it tonight over dinner. Give him time to pull up how he feels and put it into words.
And don't start calling your girlfriends to talk about all that's wrong. You know we ladies have a tendency to do that. We really can get each other worked up. That doesn't mean we can't share but be careful and mature about it.
I don't know if any of that will work but it can't hurt, Just don't throw up your hands and give up. Stay positive and fight for your marriage. And don't expect to be happy all the time. Marriage can, on occassion, simply suck.
For what its worth. Good Luck!
Who is this person?
Are they older? Do they have more experience?
Do they really love me? What shape is their personal life in?
You get the picture?
And for the young lady who said that everyone says that any relationship with a returning military man is doomed: Here's my ten cents worth.
I don't know anything about that. It may very well be hard. Many people have faced this problem and they can't have all been unsuccessful. So first believe that it can be done.
But expect that it might be hard and talk about it before anything goes wrong. And when i say talk about it I mean to HIM. You can ask others who have re-meshed after deployment successfully to see if they have anything to offer. But you have to believe they you are in control of the manner in which you two reconnect. Talk about the problems that are bound to pop up BEFORE they do. Be respectful of how he has changed and ask him to do the same. Get help if you need it sooner rather than later. Remember sometimes men have trouble talking about things so give him time. You can put an issue out there and say let's talk about it tonight over dinner. Give him time to pull up how he feels and put it into words.
And don't start calling your girlfriends to talk about all that's wrong. You know we ladies have a tendency to do that. We really can get each other worked up. That doesn't mean we can't share but be careful and mature about it.
I don't know if any of that will work but it can't hurt, Just don't throw up your hands and give up. Stay positive and fight for your marriage. And don't expect to be happy all the time. Marriage can, on occassion, simply suck.
For what its worth. Good Luck!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Loss of Composure II
Okay guys, if you saw my show today you know I went there again. Just so you know that show was taped on the same day of the emergency room drama that I spoke of in my previous Loss of Compsure Blog.
My delivery was emotional but it was the same message our president -elect gave in that church that day (you know the one about black fathers AOL) so I think I am in good company on my sentiment if not so much on delivery. By the way I think one more of those shows from that day is still yet to air - so buckle up.
To me this is not political but personal. It's not a condemnation of all brothers. (and in fact all races have these problems its just that in my judgeship and Divorce Court I get a lospided clientele. The people willing to come on often have the same sort of issues and I get more black couples than white he call in)
So many men (both Black and White) are great but those aren't the guys I get to see. So I tell you what, in a blog soon I am going to do a tribute to Black Men. I'm going to call it The Beautiful Brown Brothers - They're Everywhere. Then I am going to do Testosterone - What it is and Why I Like It- a tribute to good men in general. I promise.
The show doesn't allow you to see all of me. Life is complex. My feeling about things are multi layered and expansive. The show doesn't let you see it all. That's one reason I wrote My Mother's Rules I just want people to see all of me. I exposed my soul in that book. It was hard. But I have rules of life in there I thought were extremely important to share.
Peace.
Lynn
My delivery was emotional but it was the same message our president -elect gave in that church that day (you know the one about black fathers AOL) so I think I am in good company on my sentiment if not so much on delivery. By the way I think one more of those shows from that day is still yet to air - so buckle up.
To me this is not political but personal. It's not a condemnation of all brothers. (and in fact all races have these problems its just that in my judgeship and Divorce Court I get a lospided clientele. The people willing to come on often have the same sort of issues and I get more black couples than white he call in)
So many men (both Black and White) are great but those aren't the guys I get to see. So I tell you what, in a blog soon I am going to do a tribute to Black Men. I'm going to call it The Beautiful Brown Brothers - They're Everywhere. Then I am going to do Testosterone - What it is and Why I Like It- a tribute to good men in general. I promise.
The show doesn't allow you to see all of me. Life is complex. My feeling about things are multi layered and expansive. The show doesn't let you see it all. That's one reason I wrote My Mother's Rules I just want people to see all of me. I exposed my soul in that book. It was hard. But I have rules of life in there I thought were extremely important to share.
Peace.
Lynn
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Ask Not What Your Country Can do for You
Hello everyone,
Last night we elected our first Black president. That says a lot about the growth of a country that within my lifetime was fighting just to give black folks the right to sit at a lunch counter with whites in the South and now has voted a black guy into the most powerful position in the country.
This is history and it is important. Accordingly I'm getting a lot of comments about the election and I understand that but like I said I don't discuss politics and I don't get into the back and forth about it. Oh, don't get me wrong. I am educated on the issues - I read voting records, know how many votes these guys missed or made, their percentage of voting this way or that along party lines and all the rest of things most people don't do. And, of course I vote. (I won my first judicial election by only 6 votes so you know I know how important that is) But I don't campaign or want to discuss this guy versus that guy (or gal ) or this policy versus that policy here. People get rhetorical and angry about that stuff and no one every changes their mind no matter what the other person says. And that's not what I do. I am writing this because I don't want you to think I don't care or don't read your comments but I have a direction and mindset here.
Instead I'd like to say this about being an American:
1. I think that the 2 best things ever said by American presidents are: "Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country" -Kennedy and "There is nothing to fear but fear itself" - FDR.
2. I hope every president we have does an extraordinary job regardless or party or color or gender. They do well - we do well.
3. No one man is a savior so don't set anybody up for failure by expecting him to fix everything. He can't do it alone nor can he change everything right away. Nor is all change good. It must be well reasoned. (You can mess up the good stuff while trying to change what you don't like if you're not careful.) And sometimes even then - who knows? We are an immediate gratification culture and real meaningful and helpful change takes time. Likewise we are a culture that tends to point to someone else and say "they need to do something about this" (review my Kennedy quote) We must do what we can to make things better. We can't expect the government to do everything. Personal responibility is a law of the universe that never gets repealed.
4. Guys who supported the winner should not gloat and those whose guy lost should not be angry. No matter how this shakes out we are now in this bad boy together. Hang on to your ideas, no doubt, but be open to learning and engage in effective and constructive - not divisive or venemous - disagreement.
Having given my ten cents worth about this I'm done. I'm not looking to have a political discussion on here. Lot's of places to express political ideas on the net. MY interest on this site is personal improvement, positive thought and the occasional joke.
Work hard. Love well. Laugh as often as possible.
Peace
Last night we elected our first Black president. That says a lot about the growth of a country that within my lifetime was fighting just to give black folks the right to sit at a lunch counter with whites in the South and now has voted a black guy into the most powerful position in the country.
This is history and it is important. Accordingly I'm getting a lot of comments about the election and I understand that but like I said I don't discuss politics and I don't get into the back and forth about it. Oh, don't get me wrong. I am educated on the issues - I read voting records, know how many votes these guys missed or made, their percentage of voting this way or that along party lines and all the rest of things most people don't do. And, of course I vote. (I won my first judicial election by only 6 votes so you know I know how important that is) But I don't campaign or want to discuss this guy versus that guy (or gal ) or this policy versus that policy here. People get rhetorical and angry about that stuff and no one every changes their mind no matter what the other person says. And that's not what I do. I am writing this because I don't want you to think I don't care or don't read your comments but I have a direction and mindset here.
Instead I'd like to say this about being an American:
1. I think that the 2 best things ever said by American presidents are: "Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country" -Kennedy and "There is nothing to fear but fear itself" - FDR.
2. I hope every president we have does an extraordinary job regardless or party or color or gender. They do well - we do well.
3. No one man is a savior so don't set anybody up for failure by expecting him to fix everything. He can't do it alone nor can he change everything right away. Nor is all change good. It must be well reasoned. (You can mess up the good stuff while trying to change what you don't like if you're not careful.) And sometimes even then - who knows? We are an immediate gratification culture and real meaningful and helpful change takes time. Likewise we are a culture that tends to point to someone else and say "they need to do something about this" (review my Kennedy quote) We must do what we can to make things better. We can't expect the government to do everything. Personal responibility is a law of the universe that never gets repealed.
4. Guys who supported the winner should not gloat and those whose guy lost should not be angry. No matter how this shakes out we are now in this bad boy together. Hang on to your ideas, no doubt, but be open to learning and engage in effective and constructive - not divisive or venemous - disagreement.
Having given my ten cents worth about this I'm done. I'm not looking to have a political discussion on here. Lot's of places to express political ideas on the net. MY interest on this site is personal improvement, positive thought and the occasional joke.
Work hard. Love well. Laugh as often as possible.
Peace
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Last Stop Before 50 Revisited
I had my last stop before fifty birthday party last night. I had fun. I think everyone else did too. But it makes you realize a few things about getting older:
1. Hangovers are more durable and unforgiving. Recovery time is extended.
2. People don't like to dance as much as they used to. And breaking it down (dancing low) is no longer possible without knee injury.
3. Life goes back to the way it was when you were 10. The men go in one room and talk about sports and try depserately not to get pulled into a conversation about the furniture that we women somehow find fascinating. We women go elsewhere and talk about things that make our husband eyes glaze over.
4. Everybody knows when to go home.
Other things I figured out:
My mother came. She still tells me what to do and I listen. My guests laughed. They thought it was funny and you know what - it is.
My sister came. She is a neurologist and a ballroom dancer with no husband or kids. She has a lot more fun than I do on a daily basis. She also has more interesting things to talk about. She's great at a party. She is my designated party starter.
I am still on my PIP to enjoy people and things more instead of looking for things to worry about. I am one of the world's best worriers. Drives my husband to distraction. But like i said I'm working on it.
What else can you do?
1. Hangovers are more durable and unforgiving. Recovery time is extended.
2. People don't like to dance as much as they used to. And breaking it down (dancing low) is no longer possible without knee injury.
3. Life goes back to the way it was when you were 10. The men go in one room and talk about sports and try depserately not to get pulled into a conversation about the furniture that we women somehow find fascinating. We women go elsewhere and talk about things that make our husband eyes glaze over.
4. Everybody knows when to go home.
Other things I figured out:
My mother came. She still tells me what to do and I listen. My guests laughed. They thought it was funny and you know what - it is.
My sister came. She is a neurologist and a ballroom dancer with no husband or kids. She has a lot more fun than I do on a daily basis. She also has more interesting things to talk about. She's great at a party. She is my designated party starter.
I am still on my PIP to enjoy people and things more instead of looking for things to worry about. I am one of the world's best worriers. Drives my husband to distraction. But like i said I'm working on it.
What else can you do?
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