Hello everyone. I just did a show on NPR and the host Farai asked me a question that I certainly did not know how to answer. We were all talking about Jennifer Hudson's situation.
And first, let me say this, no one knows who did what yet - we know the boy friend is a person of interest but you can't put him on trial in the court of public opinion I am big on that. I think we do that waaaaaay too often.
But her situation led to a conversation about mothers not liking boyfriends and lovers and what do you say to a person who is in love and you don't think its a good person to be in love with.
I said once 'the rush' (and you all know what I'm talking about) begins its too late. You have to warn people ahead of time about what things feel like and what people say so they can see it coming. Talk to kidsjust when they get that age and don't tell them what not to do but tell them about how it feels where you've been and what it can be like and don't lose your mind.
I tell my boys all the time that that first hit of sex makes you a little crazy. They think I'm crazy and they don't want to hear it but I tell them it ain't no joke and I'm not playing and you heard it here first.
"The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of" - Pascal
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Follow (but not too close)
Influencial pleeeeeeease. (Chuck, my web guy, was all excited by the article in Media Week talking about the influence daytime talk show people have)
Have you seen my thirteen year old's room? Can you get the construction guy to finish my bathroom? Do you know how to get my husband in the grocery store? These are the things I want to accomplish. These are the people I want to listen to me!!!! Maybe I should post the list up in the kitchen so next time I tell someone to scrape and load their dishes something might actually happen..
It's all relative I guess. And its your relatives that usually cause all of the problems!!!!!
Have you seen my thirteen year old's room? Can you get the construction guy to finish my bathroom? Do you know how to get my husband in the grocery store? These are the things I want to accomplish. These are the people I want to listen to me!!!! Maybe I should post the list up in the kitchen so next time I tell someone to scrape and load their dishes something might actually happen..
It's all relative I guess. And its your relatives that usually cause all of the problems!!!!!
Friday, October 24, 2008
I’m not sure how to do this
Hello, I still get messages asking if this is really me. I understand why you ask because there is another site claiming to be mine but isn't. I am not quite sure how to prove this is me except that my site looks like my web site www.judgelynn.com . I used the same colors and background. You could also read my book My Mother's Rules. The things I say on my blog mirror what's in my memoir.
Last, again I can't personally respond to stuff but will continue to post on themes I see or if someone posts something really interesting.
Hope you day goes well.
Last, again I can't personally respond to stuff but will continue to post on themes I see or if someone posts something really interesting.
Hope you day goes well.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Just a Couple of Quick Responses
To the young lady who responded to my weight blog noting the grief she gets for being too skinny. Unfortunately it is human nature to categorize and criticize. It us and them. Right and wrong. Different gives people fits. Get next to that and over the fools. You can't take other people's ignorance personally. I had a very important positive experience early in life. (they weren't any fun them but I cherish them now) My sister and I were the only two blacks in an all white school in 1964. Got called the n-word. They woudn't let my sister and I swim in the local pool. My father's response: "Did anybody hurt you?" Our answer "no." Then he'd say "How are you grades?"
I bet none of those people who called me names or kept me out of that pool have their own television show. His message, you do everything you can to get better and be successful. Yes, you will run into some fools along the way. Some of them might even be able to set up road blocks. But don't let that define who you are just let it tell you how hard you have to fight.
And to the young lady who asked me about what I meant in my book My Mother's Rules when I said my mother told me I only saw half of what was going on and did I believe now that I am a mother that that is how it is with moms and kids. First yes, you got that right mom did tell me we didn't see the worst of my father's illness. And yes I agree that my kids can't see the whole picture of what we do. But I will say this my mother's situation was vastly different from my own. She had to hide some stuff that daddy did to her and in general because he was bi-polar and it was just too deep for kids to deal with. I haven't got anything I need to hide like that. Sure they don't understand the whole scope of money and sacrifice, but it's far different from what my mother did. She hid horror stories. Ones that I don't have. Great question. Very thoughtful.
I appreciate those of you who wrote and said you understood my "Lost My Compsure" blog.
Some of you wrote me to say that you liked my idea of doing a PIP (Personal Improvement Plan) that I wrote about in my Comfort of Other's Blog. If any of you do start one I'd love to hear about it.
And last, but by no means least to all of you who said 'happy birthday' . . . Thank You!
I bet none of those people who called me names or kept me out of that pool have their own television show. His message, you do everything you can to get better and be successful. Yes, you will run into some fools along the way. Some of them might even be able to set up road blocks. But don't let that define who you are just let it tell you how hard you have to fight.
And to the young lady who asked me about what I meant in my book My Mother's Rules when I said my mother told me I only saw half of what was going on and did I believe now that I am a mother that that is how it is with moms and kids. First yes, you got that right mom did tell me we didn't see the worst of my father's illness. And yes I agree that my kids can't see the whole picture of what we do. But I will say this my mother's situation was vastly different from my own. She had to hide some stuff that daddy did to her and in general because he was bi-polar and it was just too deep for kids to deal with. I haven't got anything I need to hide like that. Sure they don't understand the whole scope of money and sacrifice, but it's far different from what my mother did. She hid horror stories. Ones that I don't have. Great question. Very thoughtful.
I appreciate those of you who wrote and said you understood my "Lost My Compsure" blog.
Some of you wrote me to say that you liked my idea of doing a PIP (Personal Improvement Plan) that I wrote about in my Comfort of Other's Blog. If any of you do start one I'd love to hear about it.
And last, but by no means least to all of you who said 'happy birthday' . . . Thank You!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Last Stop before 50
Someone sent me a happy birthday message today. How sweet. And yes my birthday is this month. I'll be 49, The Last Stop Before 50!
My mother aways tells me that I talk about my age too much. Her concern however is personal. She says she doesn't care whether or not people know how old I am. What she doesn't like is the fact that once people know how old I am they can figure out how old she is!!
I don't mind discussing my age and I am kind of into being a half century old. Sounds impressive to me. I associate age and wisdom. Though you aren't necessarily wise because you are old I don't think you can be wise without having some years behind you. You can be smart, precocious or capable when you are young but there's nothing quite like experience.
I remember one year I thought I was older than I actually was. When I ran for judge I was 33 years old. Everyone thought that was a bit young to be taking the bench. So when a reporter called me once and asked my age I said "I'll be 34 next month." I thought it sounded better, when in reality it probably made me sound a little silly. Be that as it may I started thinking a year a head, around that time and I actually had to think about it once when someone asked me my age.
That was 15 years ago though. And now I don't have any need to sound any older than I am. But its cool, except for the physical realities of it. And I'm not just talking looks - I don't bounce like I used to. I've always danced, done Tae Kwon Do and stuff like that. And I was always pretty good - strong flexible great balance. But now if i turn the wrong way getting out of bed I can hurt my back and walk crooked for a week. It really came home to me last month when I started tennis lessons. Boy could I tell the difference. I was no longer as light on my feet. Power was still there but I had slowed and the old Toler agility has apparently just upped and walked away one day while I wasn't looking. And every muscle in my body was screaming!
Of course, I am not immune to vanity either. No one really wants to get wrinkled, saggy and giggly. I used to be able to run around without make up and look pretty good. Now - not so much. A little effort is required. (Not that I usually make that effort - I just can't next to it being necessary on a day to day basis) but if I do need to look good work needs to be done.
By the way don't let the TV persona fool you. I am in make up and hair for 2 hours before they let me out there. Jennifer, Valade and Yolanda (The Glam Squad as I call them) get me together!!!
But I still think getting older is something to celebrate. I hate a "youth is everthything especially if you are a woman" culture that still exists - even though I think we are starting to get over it.
If God allows me to live to be 80 I am telling you now I am going to be a hot mess!! I am going to do what I want when I want and how I want to do it. You won't be able to tell me a thing. I want to be old and outrageous!
Anyway that's the plan.
Peace.
My mother aways tells me that I talk about my age too much. Her concern however is personal. She says she doesn't care whether or not people know how old I am. What she doesn't like is the fact that once people know how old I am they can figure out how old she is!!
I don't mind discussing my age and I am kind of into being a half century old. Sounds impressive to me. I associate age and wisdom. Though you aren't necessarily wise because you are old I don't think you can be wise without having some years behind you. You can be smart, precocious or capable when you are young but there's nothing quite like experience.
I remember one year I thought I was older than I actually was. When I ran for judge I was 33 years old. Everyone thought that was a bit young to be taking the bench. So when a reporter called me once and asked my age I said "I'll be 34 next month." I thought it sounded better, when in reality it probably made me sound a little silly. Be that as it may I started thinking a year a head, around that time and I actually had to think about it once when someone asked me my age.
That was 15 years ago though. And now I don't have any need to sound any older than I am. But its cool, except for the physical realities of it. And I'm not just talking looks - I don't bounce like I used to. I've always danced, done Tae Kwon Do and stuff like that. And I was always pretty good - strong flexible great balance. But now if i turn the wrong way getting out of bed I can hurt my back and walk crooked for a week. It really came home to me last month when I started tennis lessons. Boy could I tell the difference. I was no longer as light on my feet. Power was still there but I had slowed and the old Toler agility has apparently just upped and walked away one day while I wasn't looking. And every muscle in my body was screaming!
Of course, I am not immune to vanity either. No one really wants to get wrinkled, saggy and giggly. I used to be able to run around without make up and look pretty good. Now - not so much. A little effort is required. (Not that I usually make that effort - I just can't next to it being necessary on a day to day basis) but if I do need to look good work needs to be done.
By the way don't let the TV persona fool you. I am in make up and hair for 2 hours before they let me out there. Jennifer, Valade and Yolanda (The Glam Squad as I call them) get me together!!!
But I still think getting older is something to celebrate. I hate a "youth is everthything especially if you are a woman" culture that still exists - even though I think we are starting to get over it.
If God allows me to live to be 80 I am telling you now I am going to be a hot mess!! I am going to do what I want when I want and how I want to do it. You won't be able to tell me a thing. I want to be old and outrageous!
Anyway that's the plan.
Peace.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Couldn’t Help It
Normally I just put stuff out there and let it go but I couldn't help but say a couple of more things. I don't believe that being 'a loner' in and of itself is a bad thing. I might have given that impression. It is what it is and there is nothing wrong with it as long as it does not isolate you to the point where you are lonely or otherwise negatively affected.
My thing is when I am alone too much I worry. The idle mind is indeed the playground of my devil and I try not to let my weaknesses lead me. Alone is cool as long as it is an option not a prison.
This is for the young lady who said she's a little afraid of strangers and doesn't dance or drink so doesn't quite know what to do. I feel you on the stranger anxiety but I've been working that on a PIP for a long time because that has put limits on me. It used to tell me what I could and could not do. It kept me from being a bridesmaid in my own best friends wedding.
So I had to change and I worked it like a job. I watched others who know how to work a room or are comfortable in strange situations and I imitated them. I faked it until I felt it.
AND also remember this partying is not the only form of social interaction. If you want to enjoy others you can start by finding THINGS you like to do. Take a class, volunteer, join a book club - whatever. You will meet people who share your interests and you don't have to start some artificial conversation. You talk about what you are doing. That is a good way to get out there and get connected. No booze or boogeying involved!
Last, the reason I felt the need to say one more thing about this is because I think that too much virtual and not enough actual can be a bad thing. We are social creatures and there is a real biochemical benefit to social interaction. It helps with empathy and stress reduction. Just like anything else, virtual socialization is a good thing as long as its not taken too far.
For what it's worth.
My thing is when I am alone too much I worry. The idle mind is indeed the playground of my devil and I try not to let my weaknesses lead me. Alone is cool as long as it is an option not a prison.
This is for the young lady who said she's a little afraid of strangers and doesn't dance or drink so doesn't quite know what to do. I feel you on the stranger anxiety but I've been working that on a PIP for a long time because that has put limits on me. It used to tell me what I could and could not do. It kept me from being a bridesmaid in my own best friends wedding.
So I had to change and I worked it like a job. I watched others who know how to work a room or are comfortable in strange situations and I imitated them. I faked it until I felt it.
AND also remember this partying is not the only form of social interaction. If you want to enjoy others you can start by finding THINGS you like to do. Take a class, volunteer, join a book club - whatever. You will meet people who share your interests and you don't have to start some artificial conversation. You talk about what you are doing. That is a good way to get out there and get connected. No booze or boogeying involved!
Last, the reason I felt the need to say one more thing about this is because I think that too much virtual and not enough actual can be a bad thing. We are social creatures and there is a real biochemical benefit to social interaction. It helps with empathy and stress reduction. Just like anything else, virtual socialization is a good thing as long as its not taken too far.
For what it's worth.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
The Comfort of Others
Hello everybody, I just returned from New York where I did an appearance on the Mike and Juliet Show on their Verdict portion and did a short stint on Open Court on Tru TV. A couple of you asked what I was doing before I left so they could watch but things were so hectic I didn't get to tell you. The trip was last minute and I don't do last minute very well. I'll try to do better. In fact my mother called me yesterday and gave me the blues over the phone because I didn't tell her. She said "Good thing I have freinds who know you don't tell me anything. They call whenever they see you on TV or in a magazine because they know I don't know."
I promised her I would do better as well. You see I am on new PIP. That's my own personal acronym - (Personal Improvement Project) I go on them all the time. Most don't work but every once in a while one sticks and some improvement is better than none.
This particular PIP was inspired by my sister Kathy, who as I write this I now realize probably doesn't know I have a MySpace page. She laid me out a couple of weeks ago about my tendency to stay to myself. I am, by nature, an unrelenting loner. All my life, alone at home has been my ultimate destination. It is, I believe, one of the best ways I have found to score my drug of choice, CONTROL. Not of others but of myself and my surroundings.
I am haunted by a few things. My very nature is one of them. I have gotten where I am despite my concerted efforts to get someplace else not nearly as good. I won't go into detail here. If you are truly interested I put all of the ridiculous details in my memoir, My Mother's Rules, which, to this day my mother is still pissed about.
Anyway, my new PIP is to learn to enjoy leaving the house, stay in closer touch with the people I love and actually, pursue personal friendships. My husband says I am nice to everybody and close to no one except him and our boys. And on my bad days he's not even sure that he's on the list. So I am going out tonight. Neighbor is having a party. My husband's going over his buddy's tommorrow and at first I told him no but I just told he yes.
I think it is part of the reason I enjoy MySpace so much. I can connect at a distance. I find the intimate anonimity of it comforting.
I call my Mom everyday now. Don't talk long because I'm impatient but I make the call. Slow steps. Right direction. I'll never be gregarious. But I am going to make an effort to learn to enjoy the comfort of others.
I like my PIPs. They are always uncomfortable but I make it a game. I am very competetive. 'I can't beat this' is always my mantra. It's what I try to explain to people on the show and in my book. You have to zero in on what's not serving you well and work it like a job.
So here's wishing you peace and a new PIP of your own. Why not? The worst that can happen is nothing at all. The best would be that you're still you but better.
Peace.
I promised her I would do better as well. You see I am on new PIP. That's my own personal acronym - (Personal Improvement Project) I go on them all the time. Most don't work but every once in a while one sticks and some improvement is better than none.
This particular PIP was inspired by my sister Kathy, who as I write this I now realize probably doesn't know I have a MySpace page. She laid me out a couple of weeks ago about my tendency to stay to myself. I am, by nature, an unrelenting loner. All my life, alone at home has been my ultimate destination. It is, I believe, one of the best ways I have found to score my drug of choice, CONTROL. Not of others but of myself and my surroundings.
I am haunted by a few things. My very nature is one of them. I have gotten where I am despite my concerted efforts to get someplace else not nearly as good. I won't go into detail here. If you are truly interested I put all of the ridiculous details in my memoir, My Mother's Rules, which, to this day my mother is still pissed about.
Anyway, my new PIP is to learn to enjoy leaving the house, stay in closer touch with the people I love and actually, pursue personal friendships. My husband says I am nice to everybody and close to no one except him and our boys. And on my bad days he's not even sure that he's on the list. So I am going out tonight. Neighbor is having a party. My husband's going over his buddy's tommorrow and at first I told him no but I just told he yes.
I think it is part of the reason I enjoy MySpace so much. I can connect at a distance. I find the intimate anonimity of it comforting.
I call my Mom everyday now. Don't talk long because I'm impatient but I make the call. Slow steps. Right direction. I'll never be gregarious. But I am going to make an effort to learn to enjoy the comfort of others.
I like my PIPs. They are always uncomfortable but I make it a game. I am very competetive. 'I can't beat this' is always my mantra. It's what I try to explain to people on the show and in my book. You have to zero in on what's not serving you well and work it like a job.
So here's wishing you peace and a new PIP of your own. Why not? The worst that can happen is nothing at all. The best would be that you're still you but better.
Peace.
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