Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. I did. Lots or relatives came. I warmed up the pre-packed food just like it said on the instructions and it was actually pretty good.
Family couldn't mind too much because they keep coming back every year. They stay for a while too. Five days or so. But I like everybody so its cool. That having been said I would be lying if I didn't say I sure do enjoy getting my house back when its done. Ain't nothin a loner likes more than being alone after they have been 'emersed in the populace' for a while.
Currently I am home by myself. Hubby took oldest son and his brother (now visiting from Cleveland) to a jazz brunch. I am home watching an old black and white movie with a bag of Double Stuff Oreo Cookies in my lap. Little guy is at a buddy's house. Needless to say I am in hog heaven. (and if I don't cut it out with these cookies I'm going to look like a hog as well!!)
But I believe in the occasional indulgence in an effort to balance out a usually well regualted life. Scheduled controlled bursts of ridiculous are not only gratifying but they work like an esacpe valve. I have another 2 hours or so to revel in my own begnign bad habits and I'll be all ready to return to order when they get back.. . . .
Maybe.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Be Careful What You Wish For
Hello,
You know I read a lot and I read about everything, especially relationships marriage etc. I also like to read studies and articles from 'noted specialists or experts' that are 20 or 30 years old and who are predicting new trends. I like to see how well they did. (usually they don't do so well) - my non-PhD having mother's track is waaaaaaaaaay better. Anyway I had to eat some crow on a study I thought was dumb yesterday.
When the women's movement was in it's hey day some guy wrote that as far as equality with respect to housework and taking care of the kids would run into this one unanticipated roadblock - women will not like losing control knowledge and methods on the home front. In other words we won't like it when the hubby takes over too much with that stuff because we feel we need to do that. I thought that was silly and swore that if I ever got my husband to a place where he would be primarily responsible for the kids I would love it.
Well, since we've moved my husband has been home and I am the one out working and don't you know this week I realized he was running the kiddy show. he knew where everyone was supposed to be what they needed and everything. I had to be reminded of what was going on on this day and what the kids needed. And I had MOMENT.
I felt a little guilty. I felt a little envious. I realized that I took pride in being the one who knew what to do and had it all together. Now its him. I felt a little like I got demoted.
Of course, I didn't say that. I may have been surprised but I'm no fool. I always let my first emotional reaction pass me by. I am going to work to get over feeling that way. Bucking long held social roles is not easy but I'm going to make this work. I can't piss and moan now that my husband is the one they rely on after complaining about the mommy 24/7 thing like I used to do. Not only that I gave the man his props. I told him how good ot felt to have him on top of things.
Word to the wise. Ladies, don't stand in the way of your own progress. Don't be controlling. They may not do it your way but they can get it done and sometimes they are better than you at it. You can't have it both ways.
Live and learn.
You know I read a lot and I read about everything, especially relationships marriage etc. I also like to read studies and articles from 'noted specialists or experts' that are 20 or 30 years old and who are predicting new trends. I like to see how well they did. (usually they don't do so well) - my non-PhD having mother's track is waaaaaaaaaay better. Anyway I had to eat some crow on a study I thought was dumb yesterday.
When the women's movement was in it's hey day some guy wrote that as far as equality with respect to housework and taking care of the kids would run into this one unanticipated roadblock - women will not like losing control knowledge and methods on the home front. In other words we won't like it when the hubby takes over too much with that stuff because we feel we need to do that. I thought that was silly and swore that if I ever got my husband to a place where he would be primarily responsible for the kids I would love it.
Well, since we've moved my husband has been home and I am the one out working and don't you know this week I realized he was running the kiddy show. he knew where everyone was supposed to be what they needed and everything. I had to be reminded of what was going on on this day and what the kids needed. And I had MOMENT.
I felt a little guilty. I felt a little envious. I realized that I took pride in being the one who knew what to do and had it all together. Now its him. I felt a little like I got demoted.
Of course, I didn't say that. I may have been surprised but I'm no fool. I always let my first emotional reaction pass me by. I am going to work to get over feeling that way. Bucking long held social roles is not easy but I'm going to make this work. I can't piss and moan now that my husband is the one they rely on after complaining about the mommy 24/7 thing like I used to do. Not only that I gave the man his props. I told him how good ot felt to have him on top of things.
Word to the wise. Ladies, don't stand in the way of your own progress. Don't be controlling. They may not do it your way but they can get it done and sometimes they are better than you at it. You can't have it both ways.
Live and learn.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Step Parenthood
Since my show the other day when I spoke about my step children I have gotten questions about how to be a successful step parent. Here's my 5 cents worth on that (You will note I usually say my 10 cents worth but here I only have 5)
Yes, I did the step parent thing and no I don't think I did it well. I wasn't horrible but I just wasn't completely engaged. When I was 29 I married my husband. He had 4 boys ages 9, 11, 14 and 16. Here's what I figured out during my process and from talking to a lot of families with that situation since then:
1. The key to discipline is the natural parent. If you are the step parent you need to sit your spouse down and talk about it. Tell them that you need them to do the discipline because from you it won't work - at least not in the beginning. Tell them you understand they feel badly for their kids because they have gone through a divorce and remarriage. while they have to be senitive and caring and listen to them but there must be clear lines.
2. Natural parent has to talk to the kids about you. They need to hear the kids out and validate how they feel but they have to make sure they tell them what they won't tolerate. That's what my husband did so well. He got us all together at a table and said. "She not you're mother but she is my wife. If you have any questions or issues we can talk about it." And then we went around the table and asked them how they felt what they had questions about etc. We got the ground rules down up front. (personally I sat there like an idiot - dear caught in the headlights - I had no idea what I was getting into.)
3. Here's something I wish I would have done but didn't: I wish I would have talked to them all early on, one on one, about how they feel and find some common ground. I should have planned something together for each of us to do that they enjoyed and thrown in a conversation: "I know its tough to have a new mom but, hey, I want this thing to work. Talk to me when you need to . . . "
4. Natural parent needs to back up step parent without hesitation about discipline in front of the kids. Now if natural parent thinks step has gone too far or done something inapproprate talk to them about it later. And before you do ask youself did I leave the discipline to the step when I shouldn't have done it?
5. Step parents: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. It's not about you its about teenagers and hormones and a jacked up situation and new person they don't know telling them what to do.
This is all I have on this one. I have to tell you I lucked out. My step sons where not angels but they didn't mess with their pops and he had my back. They were good kids, raised well and old enough to have a better emotional handle on things. I was a non-cooking, clueless wonder who meant well but had NO tools.
So the lesson there is you can screw up a bit and still fix things. Nothing is hopeless if you work the edges and switch up your approach if the one you are using isn't working. And talk to everybody. And keep talking. Walk away from the arguments. People can't hear you when they are angry. Step up and be the one to stand down. Come back to it when you are calm.
I wish all of you blended families well. It ain't easy and I do feel your pain. But if you work at it even if you don't do all of the right things the back end is beautiful. I am wild about them now. I have 6 (soon to be 7) grandbabies and I'm still young enough to run around with them. I have a whole set of young men to talk to my boys about things that they don't want to hear from me or their father. And here's what made my heart swell most recently. When my husband was sick and VERY CRANKY and not so nice to me, they stood up for me with him. How cool is that?
Good luck.
Yes, I did the step parent thing and no I don't think I did it well. I wasn't horrible but I just wasn't completely engaged. When I was 29 I married my husband. He had 4 boys ages 9, 11, 14 and 16. Here's what I figured out during my process and from talking to a lot of families with that situation since then:
1. The key to discipline is the natural parent. If you are the step parent you need to sit your spouse down and talk about it. Tell them that you need them to do the discipline because from you it won't work - at least not in the beginning. Tell them you understand they feel badly for their kids because they have gone through a divorce and remarriage. while they have to be senitive and caring and listen to them but there must be clear lines.
2. Natural parent has to talk to the kids about you. They need to hear the kids out and validate how they feel but they have to make sure they tell them what they won't tolerate. That's what my husband did so well. He got us all together at a table and said. "She not you're mother but she is my wife. If you have any questions or issues we can talk about it." And then we went around the table and asked them how they felt what they had questions about etc. We got the ground rules down up front. (personally I sat there like an idiot - dear caught in the headlights - I had no idea what I was getting into.)
3. Here's something I wish I would have done but didn't: I wish I would have talked to them all early on, one on one, about how they feel and find some common ground. I should have planned something together for each of us to do that they enjoyed and thrown in a conversation: "I know its tough to have a new mom but, hey, I want this thing to work. Talk to me when you need to . . . "
4. Natural parent needs to back up step parent without hesitation about discipline in front of the kids. Now if natural parent thinks step has gone too far or done something inapproprate talk to them about it later. And before you do ask youself did I leave the discipline to the step when I shouldn't have done it?
5. Step parents: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. It's not about you its about teenagers and hormones and a jacked up situation and new person they don't know telling them what to do.
This is all I have on this one. I have to tell you I lucked out. My step sons where not angels but they didn't mess with their pops and he had my back. They were good kids, raised well and old enough to have a better emotional handle on things. I was a non-cooking, clueless wonder who meant well but had NO tools.
So the lesson there is you can screw up a bit and still fix things. Nothing is hopeless if you work the edges and switch up your approach if the one you are using isn't working. And talk to everybody. And keep talking. Walk away from the arguments. People can't hear you when they are angry. Step up and be the one to stand down. Come back to it when you are calm.
I wish all of you blended families well. It ain't easy and I do feel your pain. But if you work at it even if you don't do all of the right things the back end is beautiful. I am wild about them now. I have 6 (soon to be 7) grandbabies and I'm still young enough to run around with them. I have a whole set of young men to talk to my boys about things that they don't want to hear from me or their father. And here's what made my heart swell most recently. When my husband was sick and VERY CRANKY and not so nice to me, they stood up for me with him. How cool is that?
Good luck.
Friday, November 21, 2008
How I feel About My Money
Hello everyone,
Given the current economic concerns I have gotten a lot of questions about money and marriage. Finances are often sited as one of the biggest causes of marriage difficulty. Whether it truly is or not I am not sure (I think it is often a symptom of other problems and I also think people are just more willing to site that as a cause as opposed to other more embarrassing realities) Be that as it may money is a huge problem for a lot of couples. And not just when there isn't enough of it. Sometimes the problems arise because of who is making it or simply on how you spend it.
I have a lot of advice on money and marraige but I don't think any of it will help until people do this one certain thing: Understand what money means to them.
Everyone has an emotional relationship to moeny. For some peole money is about security. That's my financial type. Adequate money means saftey to me, that's why I'd rather see the money in the bank than on my back or in what I drive. I have in the past been known to carry this to an extreme hence my reputation for being cheap. I'm better these days but, hey, it is what it is.
To others however money is a means by which to keep score. My pops was that way. He was a black man born in 1919. he was born in an impoverished family in the hills of West Virginia and grew to be only 5'2" tall. He made money to 1. support his family - he was big on us having what he never got, he saw his value in his ability to support - but it was also to keep score. It was a way to rate on a scale that the world measures. Daddy was like:"You can tell me I'm nothing but you can't stop me from being something. I can do what you can't do despite what you think"
For other people money is about power and control either within a relationship or out in the world. If you want to be in charge having moeny is a good way to get there.
For others its about feeding a need to feel better about yourself by conspicuous consumption. You know what I mean, You have to spend everything I what you wear or drive because that is how you feel better about yourself. People who do that often have debt issues.
There are other different financial emotional styles but you get the picture.
Anyway, the reason I am going through all of this is that people need to understand how THEY feel about money, why they want it and what they want it for before they sit down and talk to their spouse about it. Their spouse may feel differently and you have to both know what the other one feels about it before you can respolve any financial issues. What is comforting for one may be frightening as all get out for the other.
My husband and I have been going back and forth on this for years. We have very different financial styles and it often causes conflict. In order to keep from killing one another every once in a while we have to address how the other person feels about money in order to decide what we are going to do with the money we have. Then we compromise based on that.
People never talk about how they feel about money and what they want it for. I don't think most people understand how they feel about it no less their spouse.
So I gotta ask. Do you know how you feel about money? If not, you should take some time to figure it out. If money gets tight you are going to have to make some decisions and what you and your better half comrpomise on or feel okay with will depened upon how well you two understand how you feel about money.
I'll be back later with another blog about The Money Conversation and The Money Compromise. Its stuff I've learned over the years from divorce court and my own marriage. Just suggestion ,ideas and a bit of economic consciousness raising. I am big on thinking your way through how you feel.
You know, no one who knows me well ever though I would be married as long as I have!!!! I took a test once with a marriage counselor. If you scored a ten you were highly compatible - not with this particular spouse - but with the institution of marriage itself. 10's knew how to compromise and do all those things that make marriages work. I got a 1.7. The message? I should be living alone in a cave with a dog.
Now look at me. Who'd have perdicted this?
Given the current economic concerns I have gotten a lot of questions about money and marriage. Finances are often sited as one of the biggest causes of marriage difficulty. Whether it truly is or not I am not sure (I think it is often a symptom of other problems and I also think people are just more willing to site that as a cause as opposed to other more embarrassing realities) Be that as it may money is a huge problem for a lot of couples. And not just when there isn't enough of it. Sometimes the problems arise because of who is making it or simply on how you spend it.
I have a lot of advice on money and marraige but I don't think any of it will help until people do this one certain thing: Understand what money means to them.
Everyone has an emotional relationship to moeny. For some peole money is about security. That's my financial type. Adequate money means saftey to me, that's why I'd rather see the money in the bank than on my back or in what I drive. I have in the past been known to carry this to an extreme hence my reputation for being cheap. I'm better these days but, hey, it is what it is.
To others however money is a means by which to keep score. My pops was that way. He was a black man born in 1919. he was born in an impoverished family in the hills of West Virginia and grew to be only 5'2" tall. He made money to 1. support his family - he was big on us having what he never got, he saw his value in his ability to support - but it was also to keep score. It was a way to rate on a scale that the world measures. Daddy was like:"You can tell me I'm nothing but you can't stop me from being something. I can do what you can't do despite what you think"
For other people money is about power and control either within a relationship or out in the world. If you want to be in charge having moeny is a good way to get there.
For others its about feeding a need to feel better about yourself by conspicuous consumption. You know what I mean, You have to spend everything I what you wear or drive because that is how you feel better about yourself. People who do that often have debt issues.
There are other different financial emotional styles but you get the picture.
Anyway, the reason I am going through all of this is that people need to understand how THEY feel about money, why they want it and what they want it for before they sit down and talk to their spouse about it. Their spouse may feel differently and you have to both know what the other one feels about it before you can respolve any financial issues. What is comforting for one may be frightening as all get out for the other.
My husband and I have been going back and forth on this for years. We have very different financial styles and it often causes conflict. In order to keep from killing one another every once in a while we have to address how the other person feels about money in order to decide what we are going to do with the money we have. Then we compromise based on that.
People never talk about how they feel about money and what they want it for. I don't think most people understand how they feel about it no less their spouse.
So I gotta ask. Do you know how you feel about money? If not, you should take some time to figure it out. If money gets tight you are going to have to make some decisions and what you and your better half comrpomise on or feel okay with will depened upon how well you two understand how you feel about money.
I'll be back later with another blog about The Money Conversation and The Money Compromise. Its stuff I've learned over the years from divorce court and my own marriage. Just suggestion ,ideas and a bit of economic consciousness raising. I am big on thinking your way through how you feel.
You know, no one who knows me well ever though I would be married as long as I have!!!! I took a test once with a marriage counselor. If you scored a ten you were highly compatible - not with this particular spouse - but with the institution of marriage itself. 10's knew how to compromise and do all those things that make marriages work. I got a 1.7. The message? I should be living alone in a cave with a dog.
Now look at me. Who'd have perdicted this?
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Of Driver’s Licenses and Colleges
You know, I believed my mother when she told me about it - how you truly don't understand the way it feels to bring children into this world so in the end you can let them go. This week I went to find a driving school for my oldest. He also began getting letters from colleges. I looked at him and wanted to cry. I remember what I was wearing the day I brought him home from the hospital. I remember how exhausted I was the following 5 months because old boy only slept 1 1/2 at a time. I thought to myself Lord, If I can just get through this!"
Of course, that was silly. I am still saying the same thing. This driving business has really thrown me for a loop. Control freaks like myself don't do well with this kind of thing. But like mom said kids are a lot of work. It never goes away or gets better it just changes. I looked at my oldest yesterday and damn near broke into tears. Where did my baby go? . . .
Then the youngest came home all dirty, loud and hungry wanting this that and the other thing and I thought to myself - I can't wait to get these people out of here.
Usually my blogs have a point I can identify but I am not sure what my point is here. Just sharing I guess.
Of course, that was silly. I am still saying the same thing. This driving business has really thrown me for a loop. Control freaks like myself don't do well with this kind of thing. But like mom said kids are a lot of work. It never goes away or gets better it just changes. I looked at my oldest yesterday and damn near broke into tears. Where did my baby go? . . .
Then the youngest came home all dirty, loud and hungry wanting this that and the other thing and I thought to myself - I can't wait to get these people out of here.
Usually my blogs have a point I can identify but I am not sure what my point is here. Just sharing I guess.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Before the Vows
So if you have been wacthing the show this week you know it is the Before the Vows week. I'd like to know what you think. I like doing the show but don't know how everyone else feels. Do you find it interesting or would you rather me stick with the tried and true?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Stuff
Hello everybody,
1. It's been a busy week. Have been traveling but since I said I would, I was working on what I promised in a previous blog: A tribute to Black Men (as you will recall I already delivered on my Testosterone What it Is and Why I like It) As I was working on it I realized I had already done one. You might not guess it at first but it's all there and it's the most fitting tribute I can think of. It is on my web site www.judgelynn.com It's an article called Time and Place. It talks about what my father and his friends did back in the forties. Read that. I think what they did in the envirnoment they did it is is so powerful. It authored my success, my everyday ease. Brothers taking care of business in a big way. They are everywhere but you never hear about it. It doesn't make the news. As a young girl my life was so filled with them that that was all I knew. I am thankful for that.
2. While you are on the site you should also check out the 'about me' section. I have added video tape of my family. So if you want to see me in all my domestic disfunction its there!
3. FYI I'll be on Trivial Pursuit. Its a daytime syndicated game show twice next week. It is hosted by Christopher Knight (Peter form the Brady bunch) It's TV Judge week I'm on Tuesday November 18th and Friday November 21st. Since its syndicated you'll have to check you local listings.
4. Working on a lot of stuff. 13 year old is acting up. Dealing with the teachers and his punishment (I swear grounding a kid is harder on the parents than it is the kid - they mope and ask and get on my nerves something awful - but I am sticking to my guns) Trying to finish a book. Husband is cranky trying to fix that. Working on some new TV stuff - heading into uncharted waters. (cross your fingers for me on that) .16 year old looking to get driver's liscence. You should see me trying to teach him. I am nervous by nature. And so is he. Getting ready for Thanksgiving. Having 6 folks from out of town coming to stay that means 10 for dinner. They are family and they know me so I am sure they don't expect much.
If you don't hear from me until then have a wonderful Thanksgiving. And take a few moments to really use it for what it is intended. I plan to. I am going to sit down and soak in all the wonderful things I have - healthy family, great neighbors, all the people that love me. You do the same. even if your life is not going the way you'd like find something. It will make you feel better. It is so easy to forget what's going well if you are fighting to keep your head above water. I know that. But give yourself a break and a pat on the back for what you've accomplished even if its nothing more than the fact that you're still up and swinging. Sometimes that in and of itself is the biggest victory.
Love ya'll.
1. It's been a busy week. Have been traveling but since I said I would, I was working on what I promised in a previous blog: A tribute to Black Men (as you will recall I already delivered on my Testosterone What it Is and Why I like It) As I was working on it I realized I had already done one. You might not guess it at first but it's all there and it's the most fitting tribute I can think of. It is on my web site www.judgelynn.com It's an article called Time and Place. It talks about what my father and his friends did back in the forties. Read that. I think what they did in the envirnoment they did it is is so powerful. It authored my success, my everyday ease. Brothers taking care of business in a big way. They are everywhere but you never hear about it. It doesn't make the news. As a young girl my life was so filled with them that that was all I knew. I am thankful for that.
2. While you are on the site you should also check out the 'about me' section. I have added video tape of my family. So if you want to see me in all my domestic disfunction its there!
3. FYI I'll be on Trivial Pursuit. Its a daytime syndicated game show twice next week. It is hosted by Christopher Knight (Peter form the Brady bunch) It's TV Judge week I'm on Tuesday November 18th and Friday November 21st. Since its syndicated you'll have to check you local listings.
4. Working on a lot of stuff. 13 year old is acting up. Dealing with the teachers and his punishment (I swear grounding a kid is harder on the parents than it is the kid - they mope and ask and get on my nerves something awful - but I am sticking to my guns) Trying to finish a book. Husband is cranky trying to fix that. Working on some new TV stuff - heading into uncharted waters. (cross your fingers for me on that) .16 year old looking to get driver's liscence. You should see me trying to teach him. I am nervous by nature. And so is he. Getting ready for Thanksgiving. Having 6 folks from out of town coming to stay that means 10 for dinner. They are family and they know me so I am sure they don't expect much.
If you don't hear from me until then have a wonderful Thanksgiving. And take a few moments to really use it for what it is intended. I plan to. I am going to sit down and soak in all the wonderful things I have - healthy family, great neighbors, all the people that love me. You do the same. even if your life is not going the way you'd like find something. It will make you feel better. It is so easy to forget what's going well if you are fighting to keep your head above water. I know that. But give yourself a break and a pat on the back for what you've accomplished even if its nothing more than the fact that you're still up and swinging. Sometimes that in and of itself is the biggest victory.
Love ya'll.
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