Hello,
Tomorrow I am off to The Tom Joyner Family Weekend in Florida where I will serve on a panel about relationships and the family. I am really looking forward to it. I must say I see a lot of tension between men and women on so many issues:. Other baby's momma drama. Divorce. Anger on both sides: Men who think women take advantage of them with child support or only date them if they pay bills. Women who think that men never stay faithful, expect them to pay all the bills and do all of the house work. I recently heard for the first time a phrase called the '$400 solution'. Have any of you heard that? The way I heard it it's used to say to a woman "I'm not paying child support if you don't take the $400 solution to this unwanted pregnancy." Then there is the angry black woman claim; that so many of us are hollering screaming and difficult to deal with.
I know how I think and feel on a lot of relationship topics. But I always like to hear from others so I can know what's going on with everybody else and challenge my own ideas. So what do you think? Is there something you'd love me to bring to the table at the conference?
Talk to me.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
New Season
It's that time again. The new season of Divorce Court is starting on September 8th. Check out our new Before the Vows and tell me what you think. Also if you are interested in seeing Divorce Court behind the scenes about how we put the show together and introducing you to my family check out InFANity a show on the TV Guide Channel. It will air August 25th at 1:00 pm, August 26th at 7 pm, August 27th at 3:00 pm and August 31st at 5:00 pm.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Stephanie Tubbs Jones
Often we spend a lot of time looking at, admiring and talking about people who are famous entertainers and athletes. And there is nothing wrong with that. I mean, I am an entertainer and part of my job is to remain in the public eye. But what concerns me is that we don't have an equal interest in or knowledge of lower profile but more important and powerful people.
Yesterday, Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones died. She was the first black congresswoman from Ohio. She was the Chairwoman of the House Ethic Committee. She was on the very powerful Ways and Means Committee (those are the people in Washington that do the nuts and bolts of who should get federal money). She first became a judge at 31.
She was my friend. She introduced me to and later performed the wedding ceremony for my husband and me.
If you have a moment today Google her. Just so you know what we lost.
Yesterday, Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones died. She was the first black congresswoman from Ohio. She was the Chairwoman of the House Ethic Committee. She was on the very powerful Ways and Means Committee (those are the people in Washington that do the nuts and bolts of who should get federal money). She first became a judge at 31.
She was my friend. She introduced me to and later performed the wedding ceremony for my husband and me.
If you have a moment today Google her. Just so you know what we lost.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Working the Edges
I got a message the other day that reminded me of lots of the emails I get at the show so, once again, I'd like to respond to what I see is a continuing concern a lot of people have.
In general, I get messages from people who are overwhelmed and stuck. I've made mistakes, they say, and now I am stuck with a man I don't love, dead end job, no education a whole bunch of kids, anger I can't get over - you name it. There messages are usually cathartic - they have a rush of words born of anger and frustration.
First, I'd like to say I see, in some of those letters, a strength that the people writting them may not recognize. The fact that they are still up and swinging and have identified their problems and are writing about them says a lot about their own strength. They may not feel it at the time but it is there and I want them to see that.
Second, I would also like to say a lot of you are dealing with hurts and problems I haven't personally had to endure and want to make sure you know I don't think I am all-seeing and wise especially about places I have not been or things I have not had to overcome. I do want you to know this though. I was raised in a house with a man who was psychotic. And I wasn't wound to tight myself. I had my first nervous breakdown at 9. I have emotional issues that still stalk me to this day. There were a couple of times my family thought that I was going to go down the same road my father did. (though I must say he was a wonderful man and very successful - he was just a bitch to live with) But my mother taught me how to fight the worst of myself. And though I don't know exactly what you may be going through I did pick up a couple of things from mom I found helpful in any situation. By the way, my mom did grow up in a poor and messy situation - young single mother - no money - bad neighborhood - and it was the rules she used to move up and out of that that kept me out of the luny bin:
It's a complicated process but my mother taught me that you can't make progress if you don't have a plan. The first thing she made me come to grips with is that you can't have plan to fix anything if you look at everything that is wrong all at once. Its too much. Its overwhelming and you can't fix them by doing one or two things.
If you look at the entire scope of your problems all at once they look insurmoutnable and you won't have any idea what to do, so you have to WORK THE EDGES. Find one small thing you can do something about. Or find one small joy or source of support you can put in your week. You may not be able to change all that is wrong but you can chip away at it. And every little victory makes you feel better about the rest of the mess you are dealing with.
This is a small thing but its important. Its the first step but its one I found indispensible. I wrote this just to pass on a little hope and encouragment. I wrote this to let you know I heard you. I wrote this hoping to give you a place to start.
In general, I get messages from people who are overwhelmed and stuck. I've made mistakes, they say, and now I am stuck with a man I don't love, dead end job, no education a whole bunch of kids, anger I can't get over - you name it. There messages are usually cathartic - they have a rush of words born of anger and frustration.
First, I'd like to say I see, in some of those letters, a strength that the people writting them may not recognize. The fact that they are still up and swinging and have identified their problems and are writing about them says a lot about their own strength. They may not feel it at the time but it is there and I want them to see that.
Second, I would also like to say a lot of you are dealing with hurts and problems I haven't personally had to endure and want to make sure you know I don't think I am all-seeing and wise especially about places I have not been or things I have not had to overcome. I do want you to know this though. I was raised in a house with a man who was psychotic. And I wasn't wound to tight myself. I had my first nervous breakdown at 9. I have emotional issues that still stalk me to this day. There were a couple of times my family thought that I was going to go down the same road my father did. (though I must say he was a wonderful man and very successful - he was just a bitch to live with) But my mother taught me how to fight the worst of myself. And though I don't know exactly what you may be going through I did pick up a couple of things from mom I found helpful in any situation. By the way, my mom did grow up in a poor and messy situation - young single mother - no money - bad neighborhood - and it was the rules she used to move up and out of that that kept me out of the luny bin:
It's a complicated process but my mother taught me that you can't make progress if you don't have a plan. The first thing she made me come to grips with is that you can't have plan to fix anything if you look at everything that is wrong all at once. Its too much. Its overwhelming and you can't fix them by doing one or two things.
If you look at the entire scope of your problems all at once they look insurmoutnable and you won't have any idea what to do, so you have to WORK THE EDGES. Find one small thing you can do something about. Or find one small joy or source of support you can put in your week. You may not be able to change all that is wrong but you can chip away at it. And every little victory makes you feel better about the rest of the mess you are dealing with.
This is a small thing but its important. Its the first step but its one I found indispensible. I wrote this just to pass on a little hope and encouragment. I wrote this to let you know I heard you. I wrote this hoping to give you a place to start.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Getting past the Ex
Hello everyone,
I have received a number of questions about getting past your anger for your ex in an effort to make things okay for your kids. First, you have to understand there is nothing anyone can say or do that will make anger upset or hurt just up and walk away. You have to work your emotions and do so with a specific goal in sight. While its hard and complicated here's my ten cents worth. This is what I would do.
1. Fake it until you feel it. Take each meeting one at a time. Decide that - just today - you are going to be pleasant. If you have to practice what you are going to say. "Hi, how are you. have a good time." Whatever. do it.
2. Give voice to your new attitude. Actually say to yourself in the mirror, "I love my kids more than I dislike my ex" Use their name. Say it outloud. Say it a lot.
3. Don't entertain the negativity. Don't talk about how much you can't stand him or her. Don't feed the anger. If your friends bring it up have a planned response: "I am getting past that. I have a whole life to live that doesn't include _____. I am done talking about it."
4. Don't expect to feel better all at once. Don't expect to be able to stop talking about it all at once. So when you fall back into old pattterns don't give up and say I can't. Keep going back to your game plan.
5. Have something else to do. You can't think about how much you can't stand somebody if you are actively doing something else. Find something new to do that you enjoy. Take a class, join a book club, or just read. If you feed your mind and your soul with something else you make that person less and less relevant.
These things sound silly and facile, but there is no magic wand. You have to have a game plan and work it. This is just a place to start. But do you see the pattern here? Do you see where I am going with this?
I have received a number of questions about getting past your anger for your ex in an effort to make things okay for your kids. First, you have to understand there is nothing anyone can say or do that will make anger upset or hurt just up and walk away. You have to work your emotions and do so with a specific goal in sight. While its hard and complicated here's my ten cents worth. This is what I would do.
1. Fake it until you feel it. Take each meeting one at a time. Decide that - just today - you are going to be pleasant. If you have to practice what you are going to say. "Hi, how are you. have a good time." Whatever. do it.
2. Give voice to your new attitude. Actually say to yourself in the mirror, "I love my kids more than I dislike my ex" Use their name. Say it outloud. Say it a lot.
3. Don't entertain the negativity. Don't talk about how much you can't stand him or her. Don't feed the anger. If your friends bring it up have a planned response: "I am getting past that. I have a whole life to live that doesn't include _____. I am done talking about it."
4. Don't expect to feel better all at once. Don't expect to be able to stop talking about it all at once. So when you fall back into old pattterns don't give up and say I can't. Keep going back to your game plan.
5. Have something else to do. You can't think about how much you can't stand somebody if you are actively doing something else. Find something new to do that you enjoy. Take a class, join a book club, or just read. If you feed your mind and your soul with something else you make that person less and less relevant.
These things sound silly and facile, but there is no magic wand. You have to have a game plan and work it. This is just a place to start. But do you see the pattern here? Do you see where I am going with this?
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Oooops
I forgot to answer several questions about Divorce Court and Decision House in my last blog:
New episodes of Divorce Court will start airing on September 8th. Decision House doesn't have any new episodes scheduled but I think there are a few yet unaired that they will have on MyNetwork in the near future.
New episodes of Divorce Court will start airing on September 8th. Decision House doesn't have any new episodes scheduled but I think there are a few yet unaired that they will have on MyNetwork in the near future.
More Answers
Hi.
I see many of you share my feelings about Bernie Mac. What a talent. We'll miss him.
As you know I get a lot of questions so here's a few answers:
1. I get a lot of questions about MySpace and passwords. Should you mate or potential mate let you have their password etc. Just recently someone told me he was thinking of marrying a woman but she won't give him her MySpace password and asks me should he be worried. First, all of this is new to me eventhough it is really just a new version of the old issue "Do you trust each other?" My problem is I'm not up on techno-etiquette. My husband never goes in my purse and he doesn't read my mail. He could if he wanted to but he doesn't because he trusts me and respects my privacy. It's just a social thing. You don't go in a woman's purse or read their mail. I don't know how personal this thing is. My hubby could have my password but he's not in the least bit interested. So I guess my asnwer is do you trust her? Is she just big on personal space and privacy or does she give off indications that she's not trustworthy? Have you talked to her about it, told her how you feel and had a conversation about it? Is it a big deal? And if so why? It's not about passwords. Its about communication and trust if you have the first two the last one ceases to be an issue.
2. A couple people have asked how do they get over the anger they have for their ex for the kids sake. That's important and there's no simple answer to it. I have suggestions but it will take me some time to put it down. I'll consider it, put it on my web site and let you know when its there.
3. For those of you who have gone to the bookstore and can't find "My Mother's Rules" both Barnes and Noble and Borders should have order stock. In other words ask them to order it and they will. Otherwise you can get it off of amazon.com.
Later
I see many of you share my feelings about Bernie Mac. What a talent. We'll miss him.
As you know I get a lot of questions so here's a few answers:
1. I get a lot of questions about MySpace and passwords. Should you mate or potential mate let you have their password etc. Just recently someone told me he was thinking of marrying a woman but she won't give him her MySpace password and asks me should he be worried. First, all of this is new to me eventhough it is really just a new version of the old issue "Do you trust each other?" My problem is I'm not up on techno-etiquette. My husband never goes in my purse and he doesn't read my mail. He could if he wanted to but he doesn't because he trusts me and respects my privacy. It's just a social thing. You don't go in a woman's purse or read their mail. I don't know how personal this thing is. My hubby could have my password but he's not in the least bit interested. So I guess my asnwer is do you trust her? Is she just big on personal space and privacy or does she give off indications that she's not trustworthy? Have you talked to her about it, told her how you feel and had a conversation about it? Is it a big deal? And if so why? It's not about passwords. Its about communication and trust if you have the first two the last one ceases to be an issue.
2. A couple people have asked how do they get over the anger they have for their ex for the kids sake. That's important and there's no simple answer to it. I have suggestions but it will take me some time to put it down. I'll consider it, put it on my web site and let you know when its there.
3. For those of you who have gone to the bookstore and can't find "My Mother's Rules" both Barnes and Noble and Borders should have order stock. In other words ask them to order it and they will. Otherwise you can get it off of amazon.com.
Later
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