That is the question I am going to answer on NPR today (News and Notes at 1:40 pm Eastern time - if you care to listen)
I spank. Well, I used to. Boys too big now. They'd fall out laughing at me if I tried it now and as teenagers there are much more effective stuff than that. But anyway, I used to do it. Still believe in it. I know there are a lot of studies that say it makes the kids agressive and all of that. But have you read those studies? They do things like compare 2 groups of children: one group who never got spanked and another who got spaked 3-4 times a week. If you compare two extremes of anything of course you're going to come up with some outrageous results. They don't consider that if you have kids getting spanked almost daily that there something else going wrong at that house. The correlation isn't there because there are too many other variables.
I only spanked my oldest once in his whole life. (and truth be told he didn't deserve it, his uncharacteristic outright defiance and attitude was medically inspired as I later found - prednisone)
But the other one? The little guy a.k.a. Boomy, Mr. I wanna be hood, Sir "you saw me?"', "yep I got suspended again", "it was just a detention"? He got spanked more often. But here's the thing ,as bad as he was, I'd say he got no more than 2 -3 spankings in a bad year. Most years just one or none. Rare but meaningful. Capital offense kind of thing.
He and I were watching Oprah once. she had a guy on there saying spanking is child abuse and said it doesn't work. My little guy, then about 10 , looked at me (most certainly before he thought the comment or its consequences through - which is his habit - which is in turn whay he got spanked ) said "yeah, it does."
And that right there is why he got spnaked. He was not a long range thinker. If there were no immediate unpleasant consequences to behavior punishment didn't bother him. Time out or taking away things? Pleeeeeeeeease. No matter how often you explained to him why his brain didn't connect the dots.
I can't tell any other parent whether they should or should not spank. I don't know their temperment their children or their abilities. Sometimes its not a good idea. The probelm is most people spank out of anger and frustration and aren't thinking it through. Spanking is easy and it makes you feel better right away but that's not what its for.
It is an instructional tool to be used sparingly and with restraint. If you get spanked for every little infraction or whenever your parents are frustrated then it doesn't. Its random and toughens you up and makes you resentful and aggressive. But used sparingly and thoughtfully and well it , as my little guy reiterated last might when I asked him. "makes you not do it again.'
I am not advocating, I am just giving you my persepctive. These are my kids. I love them more than any researcher would. I also know them better. I want my full range of options in raising them. This is my husband and I's 2nd batch. First four boys grown. 7 grand kids. Good men. They spank too. Not a lot but . .
Again, my 10 cents worth.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Know When to Holler for Help
I told this story about myself on an episode of Divorce Court. So if you watch (and if you don't why aren't you? - just kidding!!) you should recognize it. It is completely true.
I was flying a lot, as it appears will be the norm, and my ears were hurting. My doctor had just retired so I went to my husband's. She didn't know me. The docotor asked me "How are you doing?"
Five minutes later when I got through telling her how I was, she looked at me really funny and said:
"Have you ever seen a psychiatrist?"
Apparently, I was 'traveling'. I have this ''on" button that gets pushed on occasion and I can't turn it off. I am talkative and exhausting when I am 'traveling' I drop from one thought to another with lightening speed. It's interesting to see. And it is the precursor to some of my best creative moments. But if you don't know me it can be alarming.
I answered. "Sure. Do you think I need to see one now?"
"Yep. I have a psychiatrist friend I would like you to talk to."
I went. We talked. She decided that I was fine but that I am an intense, driven quizzical kind of person who can appear to the untrained eye to be a little off the beam. Which is not to say that I haven't been off the beam in the past because I have. It just so happens I wasn't off the beam that day.
The moral of this story: Never be afraid to check your program. There is nothing wrong with needing a little psychological help every once in a while. I took my doctors inquiry as an attempt to assist. I take visits to mental health professionals as information gathering opportunities.
Having said that I will say this, don't just swallow what they say whole sale. I know a couple of psychologists who are just unwound, undone and unreliable. Worse yet they don't know it and are handing out advice based on their own deficiencies. You can't just hand youself over to people.
Moreover, I do have this anti-syndrome bias. These days we appear to label all personality quirks as some kind of deviant mental state. we put an 'osis' or an 'aholic' on the end of every adjective that describes a pesonality and then say that's what we have as if it explains everything and absolves us from all responisbility to do better. That's just silly. People can have extreme personalities without needing to be medicated. (Which isn't to say that some of us don't need to be medicated. Ain't no shame in that. I've been there too.)
I know my opinion sounds contradictory but it truly isn't. I want everyone to take whatever is happening in their head, examine it and make sure you are living the best life you can. I advocate an acknowledgement of any weaknesses and a dedication to actively address them.
I work my emotions like a job. We all should. When things go wrong it usually has very little to do with what people do or do not know. It's usually how people feel that jacks up everything.
With much love. Judge Lynn
I was flying a lot, as it appears will be the norm, and my ears were hurting. My doctor had just retired so I went to my husband's. She didn't know me. The docotor asked me "How are you doing?"
Five minutes later when I got through telling her how I was, she looked at me really funny and said:
"Have you ever seen a psychiatrist?"
Apparently, I was 'traveling'. I have this ''on" button that gets pushed on occasion and I can't turn it off. I am talkative and exhausting when I am 'traveling' I drop from one thought to another with lightening speed. It's interesting to see. And it is the precursor to some of my best creative moments. But if you don't know me it can be alarming.
I answered. "Sure. Do you think I need to see one now?"
"Yep. I have a psychiatrist friend I would like you to talk to."
I went. We talked. She decided that I was fine but that I am an intense, driven quizzical kind of person who can appear to the untrained eye to be a little off the beam. Which is not to say that I haven't been off the beam in the past because I have. It just so happens I wasn't off the beam that day.
The moral of this story: Never be afraid to check your program. There is nothing wrong with needing a little psychological help every once in a while. I took my doctors inquiry as an attempt to assist. I take visits to mental health professionals as information gathering opportunities.
Having said that I will say this, don't just swallow what they say whole sale. I know a couple of psychologists who are just unwound, undone and unreliable. Worse yet they don't know it and are handing out advice based on their own deficiencies. You can't just hand youself over to people.
Moreover, I do have this anti-syndrome bias. These days we appear to label all personality quirks as some kind of deviant mental state. we put an 'osis' or an 'aholic' on the end of every adjective that describes a pesonality and then say that's what we have as if it explains everything and absolves us from all responisbility to do better. That's just silly. People can have extreme personalities without needing to be medicated. (Which isn't to say that some of us don't need to be medicated. Ain't no shame in that. I've been there too.)
I know my opinion sounds contradictory but it truly isn't. I want everyone to take whatever is happening in their head, examine it and make sure you are living the best life you can. I advocate an acknowledgement of any weaknesses and a dedication to actively address them.
I work my emotions like a job. We all should. When things go wrong it usually has very little to do with what people do or do not know. It's usually how people feel that jacks up everything.
With much love. Judge Lynn
Sunday, January 25, 2009
All the Things I Cannot Do
Anyone dealing with a domestic abuse situation (whether it be your own or someone else's) must seek help from a local organization designed to deal with that sort of thing. Your local municipal or county court can probably get you started. County organizations and private ones exist as well.. This can be a very difficult and often a dangerous situation. No words of wisdom will ever suffice.
PLEASE HEAR ME ON THIS.
I like blogging because it gives me an opportunity to speak my mind and see what's on yours. Sometimes people raise issues I think are of general importance and I like to blog about them but I can't do that across the board.
I love giving a personal touch to my blog. I love reading about what's going on with you and blog about things I hear that might be of general interest. But remember I am a public figure and I am only one person. I get dozens of requests each month to go places, lend support to things, give money - you name it. Just can't.
Please enjoy this for what it is.
P.S. Some of the stuff you ask for you can get from www.divorcecourt.com. I don't book shows or stuff like that.
I wish all of you peace and the best of everything!
PLEASE HEAR ME ON THIS.
I like blogging because it gives me an opportunity to speak my mind and see what's on yours. Sometimes people raise issues I think are of general importance and I like to blog about them but I can't do that across the board.
I love giving a personal touch to my blog. I love reading about what's going on with you and blog about things I hear that might be of general interest. But remember I am a public figure and I am only one person. I get dozens of requests each month to go places, lend support to things, give money - you name it. Just can't.
Please enjoy this for what it is.
P.S. Some of the stuff you ask for you can get from www.divorcecourt.com. I don't book shows or stuff like that.
I wish all of you peace and the best of everything!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
A Thoughtful Response
This is a response to a young lady who took issue with my blog in which I said I felt our system of justice, though flawed, is a good one.
First, never worry about about having a difference of opinion with me. I love honest debate.
Second, I appreciate the fact that someone as young as 17 is so aware of what's going on.
Third, I agree with you that the crack/cocaine sentencing disparity inordinately effects blacks and that the juvenile system can use and overhaul.. It once worked. But society has changed and the system has yet to catch up.
That being said I stand by my position that out system is good. It is good because all of those things can (and I believe will) change exactly because the system allows for that.
Niether judges not the judicial system writes the laws they are sworn to follow. The crack thing happened the way it did because of an emotional LEGISLATIVE response to the inordinate violence associated with the first wave of the crack epidemic. Legistaltures pass laws. All the judiciary can do is to apply them as fairly as it can. But when legislators put mandatory minimums on stuff (In part to silence vocal fear demanding that 'something be done") There is nothing a judge can do but follow the law.
Same thing with the juvenille system. When there is a public hue and cry for harsher sentencing because of the level of a new wave of violence and extreme behavior of young people the legislature respondes quickly to to the easiest thing to assure the public that they are doing their best to keep them safe: The easiest option? Change the laws that allow younger and younger chidlren to be tried as an adult.
I don't think there should be an either/or with the juevnille system. I think juvenile court shoudl be changed to allow it to hold loger and do more things so that there would not be a rush toward sending them to adult facilities.
The thing is you have to understand that the system responds to a vocal and knowledgable public. The crack/cocaine disparity is being dealt with as a result of such public outcry. Voices are beginning to coalese with respect to the juvenile issue. No system willl ever be perfect but how wonderful is it that the opinion of society can move legislators (Who must answer to us at the polls) to change the laws we find repugnant?
The problem has been in the past that those most effected by imbalanced and improper laws are the least likely to vote. I think the excitment over Obama has changed much of that and I hope the Obama effect continues. But it willl not if we are not educated as to the sourse of our problems and diligent about our efforts to repond to them.
I did a piece on NPR re: the crack/cocaine sentencing disparity. Go on my site www.judgelynn.conm and click on NPR to find it.
Know what's going on. Understanding the unique and real opportunity we as people have to direct this country including the laws the judiciary must follow will reveal the beauty of the system (flawed though it may be as it is the creation of man - and we are flawed)
Having said that I think it is even more clear that my advice holds true:
Stake out your corner!!!!!
First, never worry about about having a difference of opinion with me. I love honest debate.
Second, I appreciate the fact that someone as young as 17 is so aware of what's going on.
Third, I agree with you that the crack/cocaine sentencing disparity inordinately effects blacks and that the juvenile system can use and overhaul.. It once worked. But society has changed and the system has yet to catch up.
That being said I stand by my position that out system is good. It is good because all of those things can (and I believe will) change exactly because the system allows for that.
Niether judges not the judicial system writes the laws they are sworn to follow. The crack thing happened the way it did because of an emotional LEGISLATIVE response to the inordinate violence associated with the first wave of the crack epidemic. Legistaltures pass laws. All the judiciary can do is to apply them as fairly as it can. But when legislators put mandatory minimums on stuff (In part to silence vocal fear demanding that 'something be done") There is nothing a judge can do but follow the law.
Same thing with the juvenille system. When there is a public hue and cry for harsher sentencing because of the level of a new wave of violence and extreme behavior of young people the legislature respondes quickly to to the easiest thing to assure the public that they are doing their best to keep them safe: The easiest option? Change the laws that allow younger and younger chidlren to be tried as an adult.
I don't think there should be an either/or with the juevnille system. I think juvenile court shoudl be changed to allow it to hold loger and do more things so that there would not be a rush toward sending them to adult facilities.
The thing is you have to understand that the system responds to a vocal and knowledgable public. The crack/cocaine disparity is being dealt with as a result of such public outcry. Voices are beginning to coalese with respect to the juvenile issue. No system willl ever be perfect but how wonderful is it that the opinion of society can move legislators (Who must answer to us at the polls) to change the laws we find repugnant?
The problem has been in the past that those most effected by imbalanced and improper laws are the least likely to vote. I think the excitment over Obama has changed much of that and I hope the Obama effect continues. But it willl not if we are not educated as to the sourse of our problems and diligent about our efforts to repond to them.
I did a piece on NPR re: the crack/cocaine sentencing disparity. Go on my site www.judgelynn.conm and click on NPR to find it.
Know what's going on. Understanding the unique and real opportunity we as people have to direct this country including the laws the judiciary must follow will reveal the beauty of the system (flawed though it may be as it is the creation of man - and we are flawed)
Having said that I think it is even more clear that my advice holds true:
Stake out your corner!!!!!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Stake Out Your Corner
Hi Everyone,
I have gotten a couple of requests lately where people are telling me their professional plans or making a decision to alter course in some manner. They want my opinion on what to do.
Like I always say I can't give any individual advice on what to do. But what I can do is share with you the considerations I use when making a decision like that:
1. I remind myself that change (in and of itself ) is a scary thing and I try to keep the "Change fear" separate from the the real concerns that must be taken into consideration when embarking on a new course of action.
2. I ask people who know me - my personality and emotions - about how they think I will like the thing I am about to do; how I will tolerate the risks inherent in it and whether or not they think I will get bored because those are MY big issues. You have to figure out yours. NOTE HOWEVER: I am very careful who I ask. People often give advice based on their own needs, perspectives and jealousies. I keep that in my while digesting their advice.
That, by the way, is why I can't give anyone career or path altering advice here. I don't know who you are, what you need, your capabilites and quirks.
3. This one I have only learned to deal with well recently. mom had been telling me about it for years but I am just now able to implement the mindset: Rarely in life are things black and white. Some are: Should I start smoking crack or no. There is nothing to consider there. But whether I should be a lawyer or a teacher, doctor or a businessman, a desk clerk or a construction worker. Those are gray. This is mom's take on that kind of thing. "most of the time there is not RIGHT CHOICE. What you are in fact doing is picking a. the satisfactions you want to have and b. the set of problems you want to solve. You can work just about anything.
4. Of course doing the former requires you to have all of the information about what you are trying to do. Don't just ask people who think they know. Ask people in it. Read. Read. Then read some more. You wouldn't believe what they put in books!!
5. Last but by no means least Stake Out Your Corner. Once ou make your move don't pussy foot around. If you are going to roll. . . roll. (woulda shoulda coulda is a waste of emotional capital)
6. Don't get metaphysical in an attempt to ease your own conciense and not try hard (I know I spelled that wrong-too lazy to get the dictionary and I embrace my inability to spell). One guy asked me once, that considering how corrupt the system is, should he go into the law and become part of a corrupt system.
My answer; "Shall we all take a vacation. Sit back and watch the world go to hell in a hand bascket? Or should good people get in the fight and try to improve things?" In other words are you going to sit around sounding superior and be lazy or are you going to be a man? (I didn't say this last part because there is no need to insult people but that was exactly what I was thinking.)
-Having said that I would like to say this, I disagree with his assessment of the nature our legal system - it is flawed , no doubt, but it has, within it, the capacity to improve because of the checks and balances built into it as well as it's public nature. Injustice thrives in the dark but struggles to grow in the light of day. And it's not so much the system that is wrong but the people who do wrong things in it - I know its not perfect - nothing created by man is but you should see what goes on in pother countries - "so here's the thing," I told that young man, "you can be part of the improvement process or you can sit back and do nothing."
I couldn't change the sytem while I was in it but I staked out my corner. I did the best I could by everybody I saw. I created programs to adress the underlying problems I saw that kept people coming back. My successes were few, but I had SOME. The whole point is that no matter what you choose to do you should leave it better than you found it.
And there you have. Usually I only share a 10 cent opinion. This one, however, I think is worth a buck twenty-five.
Peace
I have gotten a couple of requests lately where people are telling me their professional plans or making a decision to alter course in some manner. They want my opinion on what to do.
Like I always say I can't give any individual advice on what to do. But what I can do is share with you the considerations I use when making a decision like that:
1. I remind myself that change (in and of itself ) is a scary thing and I try to keep the "Change fear" separate from the the real concerns that must be taken into consideration when embarking on a new course of action.
2. I ask people who know me - my personality and emotions - about how they think I will like the thing I am about to do; how I will tolerate the risks inherent in it and whether or not they think I will get bored because those are MY big issues. You have to figure out yours. NOTE HOWEVER: I am very careful who I ask. People often give advice based on their own needs, perspectives and jealousies. I keep that in my while digesting their advice.
That, by the way, is why I can't give anyone career or path altering advice here. I don't know who you are, what you need, your capabilites and quirks.
3. This one I have only learned to deal with well recently. mom had been telling me about it for years but I am just now able to implement the mindset: Rarely in life are things black and white. Some are: Should I start smoking crack or no. There is nothing to consider there. But whether I should be a lawyer or a teacher, doctor or a businessman, a desk clerk or a construction worker. Those are gray. This is mom's take on that kind of thing. "most of the time there is not RIGHT CHOICE. What you are in fact doing is picking a. the satisfactions you want to have and b. the set of problems you want to solve. You can work just about anything.
4. Of course doing the former requires you to have all of the information about what you are trying to do. Don't just ask people who think they know. Ask people in it. Read. Read. Then read some more. You wouldn't believe what they put in books!!
5. Last but by no means least Stake Out Your Corner. Once ou make your move don't pussy foot around. If you are going to roll. . . roll. (woulda shoulda coulda is a waste of emotional capital)
6. Don't get metaphysical in an attempt to ease your own conciense and not try hard (I know I spelled that wrong-too lazy to get the dictionary and I embrace my inability to spell). One guy asked me once, that considering how corrupt the system is, should he go into the law and become part of a corrupt system.
My answer; "Shall we all take a vacation. Sit back and watch the world go to hell in a hand bascket? Or should good people get in the fight and try to improve things?" In other words are you going to sit around sounding superior and be lazy or are you going to be a man? (I didn't say this last part because there is no need to insult people but that was exactly what I was thinking.)
-Having said that I would like to say this, I disagree with his assessment of the nature our legal system - it is flawed , no doubt, but it has, within it, the capacity to improve because of the checks and balances built into it as well as it's public nature. Injustice thrives in the dark but struggles to grow in the light of day. And it's not so much the system that is wrong but the people who do wrong things in it - I know its not perfect - nothing created by man is but you should see what goes on in pother countries - "so here's the thing," I told that young man, "you can be part of the improvement process or you can sit back and do nothing."
I couldn't change the sytem while I was in it but I staked out my corner. I did the best I could by everybody I saw. I created programs to adress the underlying problems I saw that kept people coming back. My successes were few, but I had SOME. The whole point is that no matter what you choose to do you should leave it better than you found it.
And there you have. Usually I only share a 10 cent opinion. This one, however, I think is worth a buck twenty-five.
Peace
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Somebody Help Me Out
This week four different people told me they saw my show 6 times in a row in a mini-marathon type of deal. What station was this on? I feel silly. I know nothing about it. Someone also said they saw me on a Sunday. What's up with that?
Nothing Like Motherhood
There is nothing like motherhood to keep you grounded. There I was standing next to two US Senators to give a small statement. Next I am off to a luncheon to receive an award previously given to the likes of Colin Powell, Ruby Dee and Vice President Al Gore. Then right in the middle of the luncheon I get a text from my son saying 'I got pink eye'.
Now, pops is home with him. Took him to the doctor and everything. But he needed me to know. I sent him as as much love as I could from 2,000 miles a way. Electronic communication lacks warms though. I felt bad.
I AM comfort to him. I AM in charge of healthcare. I AM the woman who deals with all of the gross stuff. I AM a mother. I AM never off duty.
There was no milk in the house when I got home. I could see 'please make me a meal' in the sad puppy eyes of my youngest son. But my plane was late and it was 11:00 at night and I had just spent all my energy doing my job.
Next morning though I got up and went shopping. I put on my doctors's hat and soothed the older one. Hubby must have felt a little bad though, because for the first time n 20 years, he made dinner while I was here and available. (Or maybe it was because I made an uncharacteristic comment when he asked me how I was feeling - I believe it was something to the effect of "I'm really in an 'I don't give a s***' kind of mood") My husband is all man but he's no fool.
Part of this is my fault though. I keep handling all the home stuff without letting him 'take over'. First, because I knew what I was doing and had been doing it for years and wanted to make sure it was done 'right' - which usually means my way. But also because I always felt that he felt the home front stuff was demeaning. I think he's getting past that now. I think he sees how important and difficult being in charge of home is.
Or maybe I've just gotten a little bitchy. Not necessarily a place one wants to go but if used sparingly and distributed appropriately ....
Now, pops is home with him. Took him to the doctor and everything. But he needed me to know. I sent him as as much love as I could from 2,000 miles a way. Electronic communication lacks warms though. I felt bad.
I AM comfort to him. I AM in charge of healthcare. I AM the woman who deals with all of the gross stuff. I AM a mother. I AM never off duty.
There was no milk in the house when I got home. I could see 'please make me a meal' in the sad puppy eyes of my youngest son. But my plane was late and it was 11:00 at night and I had just spent all my energy doing my job.
Next morning though I got up and went shopping. I put on my doctors's hat and soothed the older one. Hubby must have felt a little bad though, because for the first time n 20 years, he made dinner while I was here and available. (Or maybe it was because I made an uncharacteristic comment when he asked me how I was feeling - I believe it was something to the effect of "I'm really in an 'I don't give a s***' kind of mood") My husband is all man but he's no fool.
Part of this is my fault though. I keep handling all the home stuff without letting him 'take over'. First, because I knew what I was doing and had been doing it for years and wanted to make sure it was done 'right' - which usually means my way. But also because I always felt that he felt the home front stuff was demeaning. I think he's getting past that now. I think he sees how important and difficult being in charge of home is.
Or maybe I've just gotten a little bitchy. Not necessarily a place one wants to go but if used sparingly and distributed appropriately ....
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