Can't out law In-Laws Part II

You know, I am a true believe in looking at things from multiple perspectives and I realized that I only gave one on my in-law blog. I've never been a mother in law so I'm not speaking from the depth of experience that I usually do so keep that in mind.

But here's a view from that stand point, a perspective I gained from the way my mother handled my marriage.

My parents did not want me to marry my husband for a number of valid reasons: namely he had four teenaged children, an ex-wife and all the anger money etc. problems that causes.

They tried hard to change my mind but could not. The day after I got married they stopped dogging him and got on board. You see the one thing they wanted more than anything else was for me to be happy. I decided to give it a try with him so they helped us. My mom even told him "I know you know we didn't want Lynn to marry you but it wasn't about you. We know if she loves you you have got to be a good guy. We were worried about your circumstances. We wanted things to be easier for her. We just want her to be happy" Then they let it go. They helped when we needed it and never said I told you so.

What I learned from that is if you are a mother/father in-law and the married kids problems are small don't dip in. You lived your life let them live theirs. Tell them what you know and how you think they should proceed but don't pick at people. That makes them resistent to everything you say.

Of course, if your child has married someone is beating them up then that's not the way to go. But even in that circumstance hooping and hollering usually does not help. It makes the daughter defensive. Guide. . . suggest. . . help . . put them in contact with others who they would believe. Get in touch with an abuse agency and ask them how to best assist her. Try to get them out but remember yelling at either party more often than not pushes them together.

If your kid marries someone you simply don't like but nothing dangerous is going on state your case calmly. Make small suggestions in an effort to assist. Don't dog the guy or gal they married out. Help him/her deal with problems they are having. Make sure they know they can always come home and you won't say I told you so.

It's hard to watch your kid struggle especially when you can see the trouble coming. But once they are married make sure you are helping your kid and not simply unloading your anger.

The problem here - as with just about anything else - is unleashed anger and unbridled emotion. Think. Be practical and tactical. Choose your battles. And when it doubt - stay out. If you are commenting on every little purchase, meal and money issue they will never listen to you. But if you speak up only occasionally and do so rationally they will be more likely to see you as assisting and not just bitching.

Now, as I said, I am not as sure about this advice as I am the other. Never been a mother in law but I watched my parents and I think they did ot well.

For what it's worth.

A Few Points

Okay here are my thoughts on a couple of subject areas people have brought up. First, as promised here's my ten cents worth on in law trouble:

1. Remember you can't change other people so all you can do is change how you respond. No matter how loudly or often you say something that typically is not an effective way to change some one's mind. I think the party whose parent is being difficult should deal with the situation. If your mother-in-law is giving you grief your spouse should hanlde the problem. You need to talk to him or her. Not when you're angry but at a time when things are good. Something like "I really get hurt by the things your mother says. I need you to talk to her when I'm not around. . . .Don't expect miracles just ask for a little relief. Tell them that so they think it is something that they can accomplish.

2.Learn the art of not arguing. Meet insult with a smile and a redirect. Example: "Mother-in-law: "You can't cook" You: "Ain't it a shame" followed by laughter. It's no fun insulting someone who doesn't get hurt by it.

3. Globalize Your Pain Quotient: You are not starving in the drought ravaged Sudan nor has your whole town been overrun by an enemy army . It's just some woman making nasty comments about you again. This too shall pass.

Next topic:

Someone asked me if I believed in love at first sight. I think I have answered this one before but it bears repeating NO NO and then again NO. I don't believe in it! I believe in lust at first sight. I believe in wishful thinking; I want the faily tale confusion at first sight but not love. Of course, everytime I say this someone tells me how they fell in love with their spouse at first sight and have been married 50 years. First of all good for you!!! I love happy endings. But I believe that is an exception. It just turned out that your great intial attraction involved two people who were right for each other. It happens but it's rare and the problem is people in the thows of the initial hormonal rush don't know the difference. If it's the real thing time will tell. Relationships are a job.

3. Ya'll leave Chuck (my tech guy) alone! He made a custom page for me that matched my website. I was the one fooling around and changed it to something standard. I just wanted to see what would happen.!
Have a great day,

Judge Lynn

So Here's the Deal

Okay, this is what I want to do. I have been holding off on picking a book because I ordered one that I think might be a great read but I haven't had an opportunity to read it yet (and I don't want to recommend a book I don't think everyone will enjoy).

I will be busy this week. Got promo to do so we'll start with my book, (I still think its $3 on amazon - not sure though they change the price all of the time. ) Once I get and finish this next book which is I think God Gave Me Some Bad Advice ,which I understand is a humourous memoir as well, I'll get back to you on that. Also I have to get to my tech guy Chuck to find out how we can have a forum aboout it. I gave up on iRead.

We might want to talk about both books or just one but let's start with mine and move on from there. Will have to get back to you on details.

By the way to people who have asked me why they got freind request from me: that's Chuck's doing as well. he sends out requests to people he thinks would enjoy this site, my blog or Divorce Court fans.

Still working on the in law thing.

Laugh without guilt

It's supposed to be funny!
You can't change what happened to you. But you can decide how you're going to look at it.

Quick answer

I have gotten a couple of questions about where to get my book. On line you can go to Powell's books or amazon. Barnes and Nobles carries it as does Borders but they are not always in stock. You might have to call and ask and if not they'll order it.

Lynn

Hello

Hi everybody,

Thanks for all of you who gave me book suggestions. I'm still thinking about what I should do.I have no idea how to answer the iRead question. I don't even think I'm going to use it. We'll work something else out. And thanks to all of you who read my book and gave me feedback. Really do appreciate it. (And R. thanks for the on-line review.)

I received a great question a few days ago about in-laws and as soon as I gather my thoughts I'm going to do a blog on them. It is really a "how do you handle people in cose quarters" kind of question. and when I say "close quarters" I don't necessarily mean physical space. The familial relationship (whether it be by blood or marriage) forces interactions that you might otherwise avoid with people you don't get a long with.

We had our own in-law issue or shall I say non-issue. There was a great deal of negativity about my mariage on my parents side. It was the first time my mother and I really had a true falling out. But once we married my mother handled everything beautifully.

I am going to sit down assess what she did and try to put it in a form you can use - hopefully. At the very least I will try.
Lynn

Authors at the Teague

had a wonderful afternoon yesterday at the Teague Library. I went to do a booksigning and what I ended up having was a warm conversation with a room full of really wonderful people. I had a prepared statement and I never got to it.

When I spoke of my father and his illness ladies around the room chimed in to say "at my house it was my . . " then they would fill in the blank with mother - father or husband. We all had the same story and we spoke of the pressure of the silence we all shared about our circumstances.

Everyone, even those who haven't shared my experience, was so much fun and involved in the conversation. We talked about life, my husband (who was there - so I was careful ) and Divorce Court.

And I certainly don't want to forget the several stoic men who came and braved a whole room of emoting women. Thank you.

I hope my book and the things my mom did to calm the chaos in my life helps at least a little. Even for those with other issues (we all have them) I hope the book helps. The whole thing is just about better emotional control.
Thank you all for showing up and sharing freely.

Lynn