One sided?

Hello everybody,

I am going to address an issue now that has caused me some concern of late. In emails at the show I have gotten a couple of comments in which I have been accused of gender bias. Some say that I am too tough on the guys especially the black ones. So I have been watching my show lately with that in mind and guess what: I do see how one could get that impression. It does look that way.

The thing is I try very hard to be balanced. VERY HARD. That having been said I am going to work harder to improve that. In my own defense however I would like to point out the following things that may add to an impression of bias.

1. We can only air the couples we get. The vast majority that we find are women who want to come on the show who have been wronged. Men who have been made fools of cheated on or are hen pecked to death are less likely to be comfortable telling the world about it. Women - we don't mind so much. So I get more of "this guys done me wrong" cases than the other way around.

2. Each show takes 40 - 45 minutes to tape but we only air 18-20minutes. They edit the show so we can get the story told and the most exciting parts on. Sometimes a lot of what I say gets edited out. (I have been able to talk to those who editt and they are aware of my balance issues and are keeping that in mind)

3. It might seem that I am always yelling at black guys biut we get a lot more black couples than white who call in. (A cultural thing?) I don't know. That's just how it is.

4. A couple people say I always start with the woman. That goes back to the story telling thing. Our only rule that determines who we start with is who is the best talker. Who is going to get the story out quickly but thoroughly. We women talk a lot. We talk about our relationships all the time. We already have it in story form so more often than not we start with her because she can 'set up the show' better.

Having said all of that I am still going to watch my p's and q's on this issue. One can never be TOO balanced.

Two Things

First thing: Off the Wall

I've changed my mind (sort of). If you read my New Years blog you know I said I don't make New Years Resolutions because I resolve all of the time. And that's true. I am always on a PIP (Personal Imrpovement Project).

If you paid attention you probably noted a little saddness in my post. I was feeling a little blue that day. Part of my battle. Took a couple of days but I cycled out.

Anyway, I took a moment while I was 'in the weeds' to think about a few things and decided I will make a New years Resolution this year for no other reason than it couldn't hurt and I haven't done it before. New is good if it is a reach for better. (and yes, I know I said trying to be better was a part of my problem) but I had a case of the sads and i was thinking about it all wrong.

My New Year's Resoultion is to Get Off the Wall. My husband and I were talking about it. I'm like a soldier on the wall - guard duty. I live my life pressing watching worrying. My getting better resolution is to Get Off the Wall. I am not quite sure how I am going to do it but knowing I'm up on it is the first step.

Second Thing: Switching

I received a very interesting message from one of you who said that she liked my show because I didn't 'switch' It was an interesting and thoughful comment that's why I am bringing it up. (I love these kind of commentaries by the way - ones that make me think and are analytic in some way - Thank You) This woman said she was white and that she thought I kept it real on my show because I didn't switch from being black to white when I talked to different people. That I didn't change my speech patterns or language when I am talking to black or white people.

I don't know if I do or don't on my show. But I thought that was a great comment. I do 'switch' though. But I don't consider it so much a 'black/white' thing but a 'am I making myself clear' thing. I speak in whatever manner I believe will make myself understood and part of that means I evaluate my audience and speak in a manner that will touch them. On the show I am at home (that's how I feel anyway) and that's how I speak. But if I'm talking to someone who only watched CNN and would never watch a judge show and who only reads the Wall Street Journal I speak differently. I want to be persuasive. To do so I must speak the right language.

I know a lot of people have their 'in the house' dialect (for lack of a better word) and their 'at work' dialect. I know that sometimes black folk speak differently among themselves than when they speak in a mixed environment. I think I do depending on the circumstances.

So what do you guys think. Do you do it? Is that bad thing?

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to all of you.

I never make New Year's resolutions cause I spend my whole life resolving. I feel a lot of pressure all of the time for no particular reason whatsoever. To Be Better. . . To Be Better. . .

Sometimes I think the one thing I really need to do To Be Better is to stop trying To Be Better all of the time.

New year. Are you excited about it? If so tell me why. Did you make resolutions? If so tell me what.

Tyring to feel appropriately energized today.

Hi everyone. I hope you are having a good holiday. So far mine has been great. Mom still here. No matter what I say she keeps cleaning the kitchen. I can't convince her I have it handled. But hey, if she's happy I'm certainly not going to beg to do it.

The reason I entitled this blog no is because two people (or maybe the same person twice - I'm not sure) asked me if they have cancelled Divorce Court. No is the answer. Sometime during the holidays some stations preempt it for other stuff. They did here in Phoenix. Sometimes they move my show. Drives me crazy but that happens too. Look up your local listings or go to divorcecourt.com and click on where to watch if you are trying to find me. Please keep searching because as the rating go so do I and sista' needs to keep a job!!!!!!!!

Take care and thanks for all of your holiday good wishes. I appreciate each and evey one of them.

My Bad

Hello everybody,

I messed up and don't know how to fix it. I think I've done this a lot but today i did it big time. I get comment approval requests and after I approve one or two somehow I push the wrong button and can't find the rest of them that I haven't seen yet. I lost 5 today. I hate that.

SO1. if I did it to you either today or before please don't be offended. 2. If you sent me one in the last 48 hours and don't see it up please send it again. I love reading them 3. if you know what the hell I'm doing wrong tell me.

Mom's here. Christmas is near. I'm not cooking. Shopping is all done. I'm in a good place.

Happy Holidays to each and every one of you!!!!!!!!!

Musings from Minnesota

Hello guys:

I just got back from an appearance on the Mike and Juliet in the Morning Show with Geraldo Rivera. I flew all of the way to New York from Phoenix to do the 10 minute segment (which I didn't mind so much) but then on the way home I got caught in a snow storm. You know the drill: flight cancelled, can't get another one, long lines, everybody frustrated, planes late, air port snowed in, re- routed, missed connections. Bottom line it took me 36 hours to do something that would normally happen in 7.

Here's the cool part. I am an impatient control freak who hates to fly. You all should know that by now. Can you imagine a more frustrating circumstance than that for a woman like me. Waiting and not knowing when I am goning to get on this aluminum tube with jet fuel on the sides to hurtle me through the air at 500 miles an hour at 38,000 feet. The weather sucks. I worry if they have de-iced the plane sufficiently. (I've watched every air disaster show on TV) Delay after delay. They repeat "we're putting you on stand by" like its a mantra. I am stressed because the longer I have to think about what I am going to do the more convinced I am that it will be a fatal event.

And then I have my new rule (a lasting remnant of one of my PIPs) No alcohol in the airport. Nasty habit that, especially when there are flight delays. I want control and to the extent I must drink to stay calm I've lost the battle. So I have not cocktail the first while in the airport. White knuckling the whole affair.

(Now booze on the plane is another matter altogether. But I have stepped down from tranquilzers to Johnny Walker and now I am down to just one of those unless there is turbulence. Small steps - right direction.) Anyway. . .

Like I said here's the cool part. I didn't lose lose my cool. I was so zen it was scary. I got to read an entire book without stopping (a rare a beautiful thing in my world). It was good too. I talked to people.

'It's just weather' I told myself. They cancel planes to keep me safe. My husband was missing me. Sent me a text and said I 'looked hot'. That has value. Kids even missed me. Oldest sent me a text - voluntary communication from teenager to mother that did not involve a request for money or a ride. Priceless.

Lesson? Time waiting need not be time wasted. If you concentrate on the stuff you can do the stuff you can't is less of an irritant.

Could it be I am growing up? What are the odds? (By the way - I called this blog Musings in Minnesota because on my circuitous route home I ended up stuck in the Minneapolis airport.)

The One

I received a message the other day from a woman who was about to get married. She says she's scared and asked me how I knew my husband was "The One."

Well, it depends on what you mean by "The One." I do not believe there is one person on the planet who is your soulmate. I mean think about it. There are billions of people on this earth. If there is only one guy you can make it with no one would ever marry. Out of these billions, given the population distribution on the planet, odds are my guy is living in China. I think the"The One" soulmate thing is a fairytale and I don't believe it.

Now some people do manage to find someone they really love and have a wonderful relationship for decades. But seamless is unsusal - delightful no doubt - but there is usually work involved.

My husband is "The One" for me though because he is "The One" I picked. I think we could have both made it this far with a number of people. But we picked each other. He had the qualities I wanted and I had what he wanted. We fell in love and then we worked at it. My aunt and uncle have been married for 60 years and they say the same thing - it's not all fun but if you are committed and work at it "The One" you pick can be "The One" you make it to the finish line with.

The thing is you can't make your pick based on that rush of love alone. Once you feel good about a person you have to figure out what you both want in life. You have to talk about money and children and lifestyle and needs. You have to know what wrong with you and what's wrong with him. There is something wrong with everybody, you know, and if you think he or she is perfect you just don't know them well enough. You should be able to list the things you don't like about the other one and make a decision whether you can live with it long term. If a woman is a spendthrift when you are dating she'll still be one once you marry her. The only difference is she'll be spending your money. Likewise if a guy is a slob and you don't like that, it won't get any better. The only thing that will change is that now his mess will be in your house.

My position is not a very romantic one but it has worked for me so far. There are no guarantees but we are now at the point where we really want to stay together if for no other reason than we are too old to get back out there and look for someone else! We try HARD.