Before the Vows

So if you have been wacthing the show this week you know it is the Before the Vows week. I'd like to know what you think. I like doing the show but don't know how everyone else feels. Do you find it interesting or would you rather me stick with the tried and true?

Stuff

Hello everybody,

1. It's been a busy week. Have been traveling but since I said I would, I was working on what I promised in a previous blog: A tribute to Black Men (as you will recall I already delivered on my Testosterone What it Is and Why I like It) As I was working on it I realized I had already done one. You might not guess it at first but it's all there and it's the most fitting tribute I can think of. It is on my web site www.judgelynn.com It's an article called Time and Place. It talks about what my father and his friends did back in the forties. Read that. I think what they did in the envirnoment they did it is is so powerful. It authored my success, my everyday ease. Brothers taking care of business in a big way. They are everywhere but you never hear about it. It doesn't make the news. As a young girl my life was so filled with them that that was all I knew. I am thankful for that.

2. While you are on the site you should also check out the 'about me' section. I have added video tape of my family. So if you want to see me in all my domestic disfunction its there!

3. FYI I'll be on Trivial Pursuit. Its a daytime syndicated game show twice next week. It is hosted by Christopher Knight (Peter form the Brady bunch) It's TV Judge week I'm on Tuesday November 18th and Friday November 21st. Since its syndicated you'll have to check you local listings.

4. Working on a lot of stuff. 13 year old is acting up. Dealing with the teachers and his punishment (I swear grounding a kid is harder on the parents than it is the kid - they mope and ask and get on my nerves something awful - but I am sticking to my guns) Trying to finish a book. Husband is cranky trying to fix that. Working on some new TV stuff - heading into uncharted waters. (cross your fingers for me on that) .16 year old looking to get driver's liscence. You should see me trying to teach him. I am nervous by nature. And so is he. Getting ready for Thanksgiving. Having 6 folks from out of town coming to stay that means 10 for dinner. They are family and they know me so I am sure they don't expect much.

If you don't hear from me until then have a wonderful Thanksgiving. And take a few moments to really use it for what it is intended. I plan to. I am going to sit down and soak in all the wonderful things I have - healthy family, great neighbors, all the people that love me. You do the same. even if your life is not going the way you'd like find something. It will make you feel better. It is so easy to forget what's going well if you are fighting to keep your head above water. I know that. But give yourself a break and a pat on the back for what you've accomplished even if its nothing more than the fact that you're still up and swinging. Sometimes that in and of itself is the biggest victory.

Love ya'll.

Testosterone - What it is and Why I like it

As promised.

Of course we all know that testosterone is a hormone. Both men and women have it but men have more and in the womb its part of what makes the baby develope male sexual characteristics. Now of course I'm not talking about that today when I say 'Testosterone - What it is and why I like it.' I only said that to say there is a biological basis for our differences.

Anyway, more often than not, people come on 'Divorce Court' because the woman in the relationship has had her heart broken and wants to be heard. I think men have their hearts broken just as much but because of our societal 'men can't show emotion' bias they aren't as comfortable saying "Love has made a fool of me" on national TV as women are. So I don't get to say all the good stuff about men as often as I would like. (and frankly sometimes when I do it gets edited out because its not as exciting as when I fuss at people) So this is my opportunity to do so:

FAIR WARNING: I get that what I am saying here are generalizations. All men and women are individuals with their own special character but in general men and women do think and feel differently on a lot of levels. The things is you can't say one is better than another - just different and each side has some negative and positive aspects to the way they are. That having been said:

1. The male ego, though often bashed for it's unpleasant ramifications, pushes men to do. This supercgarged desire for more has authored a great deal of good in terms of progress that has made our lives so much easier.

It is also what makes my husband willing, with great ease, to suffer harm for me. Its what makes my sons defend me. If a man has pulled you to him and loves you their egos defend you against all comers, as well, because any swipe at you swipes at them as well.

2. I like the way men seem to get over things easily. They don't ruminate over who said what and how they said it and all of that. I can really give my sons what for and they take it move on. They don't keep going over it. I'll still be upset and want to talk about it later. All they want is dinner. Once I feed them all is well. My husband is the same way. I can't tell you how many times he's looked at me with utter surprise and said, 'I thought this fight was over"

3. I like the way they look and feel. (I am not going to elaborate on this one. I think it speaks for itself)

4. I like their immediacy and occasional bravado. My husband often makes me go out and have a good time. My dad was the same way. I think men have a great sense of abandon and are less likely to worry about things.

5. I like the way they look and feel. (Did I mention that already?)

6. I also think men in American culture need to be applauded for the manner in which they have responded to women demanding equality. Power is not an easy thing for anyone to relinquish and while their is still sexism, I think every generation has been more and more willing to accept that equality. It's not like that everywhere. Men here are sometimes being asked to be sensitive and strong at the same time and don't quite have a clear indication what we're looking for and their role. But they are working on it. I see it all over. That's huge.

I have a husband and six sons and I am crazy about all of them. The house feels different when they are all here with me. There is an energy about them that I love.

For what it's worth.

What Other people Think

I got a question today that reminded me of something a lot of people ask me and it is about listening to what other people think about the relationship you are in. You know, you can't pay attention to every ten cent opinion that you get. That doesn't mean you should ignore people either. What you have to do is put it in perspective.

Who is this person?

Are they older? Do they have more experience?

Do they really love me? What shape is their personal life in?

You get the picture?

And for the young lady who said that everyone says that any relationship with a returning military man is doomed: Here's my ten cents worth.

I don't know anything about that. It may very well be hard. Many people have faced this problem and they can't have all been unsuccessful. So first believe that it can be done.

But expect that it might be hard and talk about it before anything goes wrong. And when i say talk about it I mean to HIM. You can ask others who have re-meshed after deployment successfully to see if they have anything to offer. But you have to believe they you are in control of the manner in which you two reconnect. Talk about the problems that are bound to pop up BEFORE they do. Be respectful of how he has changed and ask him to do the same. Get help if you need it sooner rather than later. Remember sometimes men have trouble talking about things so give him time. You can put an issue out there and say let's talk about it tonight over dinner. Give him time to pull up how he feels and put it into words.

And don't start calling your girlfriends to talk about all that's wrong. You know we ladies have a tendency to do that. We really can get each other worked up. That doesn't mean we can't share but be careful and mature about it.

I don't know if any of that will work but it can't hurt, Just don't throw up your hands and give up. Stay positive and fight for your marriage. And don't expect to be happy all the time. Marriage can, on occassion, simply suck.

For what its worth. Good Luck!

Loss of Composure II

Okay guys, if you saw my show today you know I went there again. Just so you know that show was taped on the same day of the emergency room drama that I spoke of in my previous Loss of Compsure Blog.

My delivery was emotional but it was the same message our president -elect gave in that church that day (you know the one about black fathers AOL) so I think I am in good company on my sentiment if not so much on delivery. By the way I think one more of those shows from that day is still yet to air - so buckle up.

To me this is not political but personal. It's not a condemnation of all brothers. (and in fact all races have these problems its just that in my judgeship and Divorce Court I get a lospided clientele. The people willing to come on often have the same sort of issues and I get more black couples than white he call in)

So many men (both Black and White) are great but those aren't the guys I get to see. So I tell you what, in a blog soon I am going to do a tribute to Black Men. I'm going to call it The Beautiful Brown Brothers - They're Everywhere. Then I am going to do Testosterone - What it is and Why I Like It- a tribute to good men in general. I promise.

The show doesn't allow you to see all of me. Life is complex. My feeling about things are multi layered and expansive. The show doesn't let you see it all. That's one reason I wrote My Mother's Rules I just want people to see all of me. I exposed my soul in that book. It was hard. But I have rules of life in there I thought were extremely important to share.

Peace.

Lynn

Ask Not What Your Country Can do for You

Hello everyone,

Last night we elected our first Black president. That says a lot about the growth of a country that within my lifetime was fighting just to give black folks the right to sit at a lunch counter with whites in the South and now has voted a black guy into the most powerful position in the country.

This is history and it is important. Accordingly I'm getting a lot of comments about the election and I understand that but like I said I don't discuss politics and I don't get into the back and forth about it. Oh, don't get me wrong. I am educated on the issues - I read voting records, know how many votes these guys missed or made, their percentage of voting this way or that along party lines and all the rest of things most people don't do. And, of course I vote. (I won my first judicial election by only 6 votes so you know I know how important that is) But I don't campaign or want to discuss this guy versus that guy (or gal ) or this policy versus that policy here. People get rhetorical and angry about that stuff and no one every changes their mind no matter what the other person says. And that's not what I do. I am writing this because I don't want you to think I don't care or don't read your comments but I have a direction and mindset here.

Instead I'd like to say this about being an American:

1. I think that the 2 best things ever said by American presidents are: "Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country" -Kennedy and "There is nothing to fear but fear itself" - FDR.

2. I hope every president we have does an extraordinary job regardless or party or color or gender. They do well - we do well.

3. No one man is a savior so don't set anybody up for failure by expecting him to fix everything. He can't do it alone nor can he change everything right away. Nor is all change good. It must be well reasoned. (You can mess up the good stuff while trying to change what you don't like if you're not careful.) And sometimes even then - who knows? We are an immediate gratification culture and real meaningful and helpful change takes time. Likewise we are a culture that tends to point to someone else and say "they need to do something about this" (review my Kennedy quote) We must do what we can to make things better. We can't expect the government to do everything. Personal responibility is a law of the universe that never gets repealed.

4. Guys who supported the winner should not gloat and those whose guy lost should not be angry. No matter how this shakes out we are now in this bad boy together. Hang on to your ideas, no doubt, but be open to learning and engage in effective and constructive - not divisive or venemous - disagreement.

Having given my ten cents worth about this I'm done. I'm not looking to have a political discussion on here. Lot's of places to express political ideas on the net. MY interest on this site is personal improvement, positive thought and the occasional joke.

Work hard. Love well. Laugh as often as possible.

Peace

Last Stop Before 50 Revisited

I had my last stop before fifty birthday party last night. I had fun. I think everyone else did too. But it makes you realize a few things about getting older:

1. Hangovers are more durable and unforgiving. Recovery time is extended.

2. People don't like to dance as much as they used to. And breaking it down (dancing low) is no longer possible without knee injury.

3. Life goes back to the way it was when you were 10. The men go in one room and talk about sports and try depserately not to get pulled into a conversation about the furniture that we women somehow find fascinating. We women go elsewhere and talk about things that make our husband eyes glaze over.

4. Everybody knows when to go home.

Other things I figured out:

My mother came. She still tells me what to do and I listen. My guests laughed. They thought it was funny and you know what - it is.

My sister came. She is a neurologist and a ballroom dancer with no husband or kids. She has a lot more fun than I do on a daily basis. She also has more interesting things to talk about. She's great at a party. She is my designated party starter.

I am still on my PIP to enjoy people and things more instead of looking for things to worry about. I am one of the world's best worriers. Drives my husband to distraction. But like i said I'm working on it.

What else can you do?