Hello everyone,
Just checking in to answer some questions I have been getting from people lateley:
1. I have been married 19 years to the same guy. Its my first - and hopefully my only - marriage.
2. Yes, indeed, I do try to help the people on my show even if it doesn't appear that they are listening. I do it for several reasons. First, they may be listening but not able to acknowledge it. Its hard for people to say "I was wrong" especially when they are on national television. They may hear and understand me but are simply unable to say 'my bad' at the time. Or they might not understand what I am telling them at the time but when they watch themselves on the show later they might be able to hear me. The message might get through when they are no longer under the glare of the lights and are sitting comfortably at home. Second, I don't do it just for them. Millions of other people are listening as well. And its a lot easier for people to see the mistakes they are making themselves when they show up in other people. You would not believe the number of emails I get telling me how much what I told someone on the show helped them, the viewer.
3. Yes, I do have my "wisdoms" written down somewhere. I wrote a book called "My Mother's Rules" It explains just how I look at things and why I look at them that way. By the way, I consider my mother wise - not me- I just have a platform to share what she taught me.
4. I am sorry that I can't write, message or call people personally. But between emails, Myspace and letters I get hundereds of requests every week for advice, for help with careers or to support things. I am not altogether sure I am spending enough time with my own family!! :) But I read things and respond generlly to questions as best I can. Please know I appreciate the fact that you respect my opinion and watch the show.
Gotta go, motherhood calls. I am going into the kitchen. Wish me luck!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Thank you
Hello everyone,
I would like to thank those of you who wrote me about my book. I am glad it helped. I exposed a lot of my family's big secrets in the book and was a little concerned about that but I wanted to share some of the great lessons I learned and in order to do that I had to explain how I learned them.
When people see me on TV they see strong and in control. I wanted them to know how I got there. I was weak and ridiculous for sooo long! It's funny now but it wasn't then and I just want to to encourage folks as much as I could.
In addition some of you have asked about my article Losing 19. You can get it off my website www.judgetoler.com and download it for free.
Again, I'm glad if anyone has been helped by the things that I write. I try to be forthcoming and truthful. I also hope you understand again why I can't respond personally for requests for help and advice. Like I said before, I gets LOTS of requests and just don't have the time or the information to give them a meaningful response. I will however get voice to some themes as they crop up as I did with 19 and inlove (my earlier post).
Take care.
I would like to thank those of you who wrote me about my book. I am glad it helped. I exposed a lot of my family's big secrets in the book and was a little concerned about that but I wanted to share some of the great lessons I learned and in order to do that I had to explain how I learned them.
When people see me on TV they see strong and in control. I wanted them to know how I got there. I was weak and ridiculous for sooo long! It's funny now but it wasn't then and I just want to to encourage folks as much as I could.
In addition some of you have asked about my article Losing 19. You can get it off my website www.judgetoler.com and download it for free.
Again, I'm glad if anyone has been helped by the things that I write. I try to be forthcoming and truthful. I also hope you understand again why I can't respond personally for requests for help and advice. Like I said before, I gets LOTS of requests and just don't have the time or the information to give them a meaningful response. I will however get voice to some themes as they crop up as I did with 19 and inlove (my earlier post).
Take care.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Back Home
I just got back from vistiting my mother and old friends in Ohio. It's funny. No matter how old you get when you are with your mother she is in charge.
I needed to go and see her. She's doing great but you can't take anyone's ongoing presence for granted. My hubby didn't come with me. Just me and the boys. That was good because we got to TALK. (ladies, you know what I mean.)
Its also good for the boys to be around her. She can tell them things I want to say but they won't hear. Unfortunately, the 13 year old was not feeling it. He's having a hormone hey day. He's just in a non stop foul mood. I haven't seen the boy smile since Decemver '07. You'd think the boy was in reform school.
Nice to see my hubby again though I love the way love gets new all over again when you haven't seen each other in a while. We missed each other. And we are corny (or so my 16 year old tells me).
I have to tape in a few days so I am savoring the time I have at home. This is however where I do my best and hardest work. No complaints; just telling the truth. Moms don't get enough props!! We hold this thing together.
Peace.
I needed to go and see her. She's doing great but you can't take anyone's ongoing presence for granted. My hubby didn't come with me. Just me and the boys. That was good because we got to TALK. (ladies, you know what I mean.)
Its also good for the boys to be around her. She can tell them things I want to say but they won't hear. Unfortunately, the 13 year old was not feeling it. He's having a hormone hey day. He's just in a non stop foul mood. I haven't seen the boy smile since Decemver '07. You'd think the boy was in reform school.
Nice to see my hubby again though I love the way love gets new all over again when you haven't seen each other in a while. We missed each other. And we are corny (or so my 16 year old tells me).
I have to tape in a few days so I am savoring the time I have at home. This is however where I do my best and hardest work. No complaints; just telling the truth. Moms don't get enough props!! We hold this thing together.
Peace.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
I was all cranky today
I was all cranky today for no good reason. I hate housework and I still do it. My mother says I should hire somebody because not only do I hate it I'm not any good at it. She said I transported a whole truck load of dirt from Cleveland to Phoenix on the surface of my furniture when I moved.
Anyway, then I checked out this page and got tickled. I love the love I get here and the stuff I stress about is so silly. That's when I decided that today's children are too coddled so I made my teenaged boys clean the kitchen while I watched an old Bogart movie.
Mommy's on vacation!!! At least until dinner time.
Thanks for stopping by and hollering. You guys remind me how good things are.
Anyway, then I checked out this page and got tickled. I love the love I get here and the stuff I stress about is so silly. That's when I decided that today's children are too coddled so I made my teenaged boys clean the kitchen while I watched an old Bogart movie.
Mommy's on vacation!!! At least until dinner time.
Thanks for stopping by and hollering. You guys remind me how good things are.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
I’m Confused
Okay people, I'm confused.
Recently I have been doing this thing on the show called Before the Vows where I help couples work through issues before they get married. In doing this I give them a test and in that test I ask the question:
Do you think one of you should be head of the house/ If so, Who?
I also asked about chores and household work.
Do you know that almost without exception people who responded said men should be the head of the house and that woman should do all of the house work. Even when they say a woman should work outside of the home they have the very same expectation of a woman at home that they did when "stay at home mom" was the norm. Not only that, guys are tellimg me that they would have a problem if their wife made more than they do. They seem to attribute control with money and they want the control.
Where is this equality we fought for in the 60's and 70's? If I make more money than my husband can't I at least be co captain? Did we get screwed when we went to work? Did we just add to our work load without getting anything on the other end? What's up with the male ego thing? Haven't we made any progress there? Are men that threatened by powerful women?
What's up with that? Let me know.
Recently I have been doing this thing on the show called Before the Vows where I help couples work through issues before they get married. In doing this I give them a test and in that test I ask the question:
Do you think one of you should be head of the house/ If so, Who?
I also asked about chores and household work.
Do you know that almost without exception people who responded said men should be the head of the house and that woman should do all of the house work. Even when they say a woman should work outside of the home they have the very same expectation of a woman at home that they did when "stay at home mom" was the norm. Not only that, guys are tellimg me that they would have a problem if their wife made more than they do. They seem to attribute control with money and they want the control.
Where is this equality we fought for in the 60's and 70's? If I make more money than my husband can't I at least be co captain? Did we get screwed when we went to work? Did we just add to our work load without getting anything on the other end? What's up with the male ego thing? Haven't we made any progress there? Are men that threatened by powerful women?
What's up with that? Let me know.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Nineteen
Hello everyone,
Several of you have asked for relationship advice and like I have said I can't do that in this venue after all I only hear one side and I just don't have enough info. HOWEVER, I have gotten a couple of requests from young ladies, the latest 19, asking me whether they should work out a difficult relationship with a boyfriend. While I can't give specific advice I would love to share my general opinion on love and nineteen.
Nineteen is for learning, exploring and expanding your mind. You should nuture positive relationships with people who can add to you in some meaningful way. And I don't don't mean money, I mean knowledge support care comfort. Nineteen is not a time to adopt problems or pursue a relationship like it is going to be always and forever.
I was a woman who fired boyfriends (and this is aboslutely true) for being chronically late to pick me up. If I tell them that Timeliness is important to me and they continue not to respect that then I moved on. I was 19. I had miles to travel and a mind to feed.
Now that I am married, I work at it. I deal with problems. I don't expect to be happy all of the time. But this is the guy I picked at 29 after years of looking -figuring out what it is I wanted in a man and establishing my own sense of self and independence. He is equally committed. But at 19? Are you kidding?
Your focus should be your tommorrow, your development, your education ,your future. If you find a guy that you like and you have a good positive relationship then cool roll with it.. But if it starts to suck up a whole lot of your time with negative drama that's when you reevaluate. You know, you can love people that are not good for you and you can initially not be attracted to a wonderful guy whose just right for you. Think your way through how you feel. Think. Think.
Several of you have asked for relationship advice and like I have said I can't do that in this venue after all I only hear one side and I just don't have enough info. HOWEVER, I have gotten a couple of requests from young ladies, the latest 19, asking me whether they should work out a difficult relationship with a boyfriend. While I can't give specific advice I would love to share my general opinion on love and nineteen.
Nineteen is for learning, exploring and expanding your mind. You should nuture positive relationships with people who can add to you in some meaningful way. And I don't don't mean money, I mean knowledge support care comfort. Nineteen is not a time to adopt problems or pursue a relationship like it is going to be always and forever.
I was a woman who fired boyfriends (and this is aboslutely true) for being chronically late to pick me up. If I tell them that Timeliness is important to me and they continue not to respect that then I moved on. I was 19. I had miles to travel and a mind to feed.
Now that I am married, I work at it. I deal with problems. I don't expect to be happy all of the time. But this is the guy I picked at 29 after years of looking -figuring out what it is I wanted in a man and establishing my own sense of self and independence. He is equally committed. But at 19? Are you kidding?
Your focus should be your tommorrow, your development, your education ,your future. If you find a guy that you like and you have a good positive relationship then cool roll with it.. But if it starts to suck up a whole lot of your time with negative drama that's when you reevaluate. You know, you can love people that are not good for you and you can initially not be attracted to a wonderful guy whose just right for you. Think your way through how you feel. Think. Think.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
NPR
I am not sure how many of you know this but I am I bi-monthly contributor to The News and Notes show on NPR (National Public Radio) I am doing a segment today on the state of the relationship between black men and women. Gotta tell you this one has me nervous. Talk about a hot button issue. We seem so angry at one another these days. Women claiming brothers are just triflin' Brothers claiming sisters are nothin but gold diggers. I see it a lot on my show. I usually end up getting mad at everybody. Its a tough subject because it is so personal for us all. Wish me luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)